I am the youngest of 6 children, by some 10 years. I think I was a
mistake. I was brought up in a Catholic family but the 'Catholic' was more a label than anything else. God wasn't a part of our daily life.
By the time I was about 9 I had taken up smoking cigarettes and looking
at dirty books. I would be supposedly going to church but in actual fact
I was going down to the local domain with my mate where we would smoke
a pack of cigarettes in the hour and a half or so we had. That was the
end of church going for me for a long time.
It was also about the same time that I changed. Looking back now it's
obvious why. I was giving myself over to sin. Where I once was a fairly
outgoing, imaginative, confident sort of kid at primary school, I was introverted,
unconfident and shy by the time I was 10 or so. Part of the reason for
this was that I was the school fatty. Ten Ton Towers was my nickname.
The sad thing is that it was one of my teachers in STD 3 that gave me
the name, in front of all the other kids. I hated that and I was tormented
by the other kids right through till I entered puberty when I lost
all the weight. I remember when I was about 13 and I got my first pair
of 'cool' jeans and I looked in the mirror and cried because I looked
normal; not fat. I feel for overweight people now and when people ridicule an
overweight person I cringe.
By the time I was 14 I had a part time job in a burger bar working for
my brother. We were allowed to drink on the job and I was allowed to smoke
so I thought this was just the best job. I spent so many nights ending the
shift( or rather, not ending the shift ) because I was unconscious in the
toilet or on the trailer out the back, rotten drunk.
I went through a few jobs, ending up starting in business in a cycle shop.
I went bankrupt within my first year but in the mean-time I had hooked up with
a beautiful lady whom I'd known for a couple of years and we had our
first child on the way. As a consequence we were living in a caravan out
the back of the in-laws place with no real possessions at all. I got a
job and we went on to have a family of eventually 4 kids. Our finances
are still recovering now.
The bankruptcy had a significant effect on my self confidence. I didn't
have a lot of self-esteem anyway but after this, what with having to
support a family, with no vehicle and not much else, I felt like a real
loser. It amused me that, when I went onto night-shift, the taxi drivers
would treat me different; I think they thought I was on the dole or
something and passed judgement on me as a bit of a no-hoper.
I couldn't afford too
much in the way of bought booze so I started home brewing. The thing with
home brew is that it tastes awful but it's strong. I put up with
the taste! I didn't care if I had company when I drank. If it was me, my booze and the stereo, then that was fine.
My wife started going to a play group
with our first child back in 1988-89 and it turned out that this was run
through the Baptist church. We got the odd box of vegetables just landing
on our doorstep and eventually found out that they came through a Baptist
minister. We became friendly with him to the point where we had a home group in
our house but I was double minded. I wanted more of God in my life but
I loved the cigarettes and boozing and other wee vices I had in my life.
I wanted to know what being 'Spirit-led' was but didn't want to let
go of my sin either. I remember defiantly feeling like 'why should I give
up smoking anyway?' I didn't see that my reliance on smoking for peace,
calmness and as a reassurance in a crowd was getting in the way of my
relationship with God; that I was supposed to be relying on God for peace
and reassurance.
I really wanted to receive the Holy Spirit but didn't see that my sin
was getting in the way because God is Holy and can't abide with sin. ( Let
me clarify that. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But until
you determine to walk in obedience to God and to try not to sin; until
you're willing to not just read the word of God but obey it as well, you're
not likely to feel a mighty touch of the Holy Spirit either ).
After 4 or so years of reading the Bible ( somewhat spasmodically at times
), praying and wrestling with my sin I had come to a point where my heart
was definitely for God and I was trying to do what I saw were the right
things. The problem was, I was trying under my own steam without the empowering
Holy Spirit. I was now 28 and after smoking from the age of 9, 13 years of which were full-time, I had tried all sorts to give up. I was the weakest smoker you ever did see. The Lord was convicting me about it so I prayed 'Lord if you really want me to give up smoking then I need your help, I can't do it myself '. I gave up. I have slipped up once since; before I really gave my heart to the Lord I slipped back to full-time smoking for all of 6 weeks or so after a great niece of mine died but that was it.
The Pastor, a travelling Baptist minister that I'd become
acquainted with and I were talking to a drinking buddy of mine who was
interested and had a whole lot of questions, we were discipling him and
the most awesome thing happened; as we were praying for him I felt this
amazing presence of God come over me. The Lord just took control of me
and my face was raised up to heaven and all I could say was 'Thank you
Lord' over and over. I remember saying later that if this is what heaven
feels like then I want to be there. That was my Baptism in the Holy Spirit.
The sad thing is that instead of drawing nearer to the Lord I went the
other way. It seems ridiculous looking back now after wanting to feel
the Holy Spirit for so long that after feeling His presence I now went
backwards. It wasn't a conscious decision to do so; it just seemed to happen
that way. I can see now that the Lord was in this and he was showing me
something that would keep me on the straight and narrow later. He was
showing me what I was really like without Him.
Within 1 year I had a TAB
account ( that's a phone account for betting on the horses ); something I had never had
before and I looked forward to the weekends when my brother-in-law would bring the
booze around. The worst thing I can remember
was when my mate and I helped my brother-in-law move his lady friend in
to her new house. He invited us back for a 'couple' of drinks. We went
home and checked that all was okay with Celia and we decided that I would
get KFC for the kids and us on the way home from the quiet couple of beers
that we were going to have. Off we went, leaving Celia and the kids waiting
at home for us. All I can remember is the first 2 beers and the first
2 Sambukas. I can't remember a thing more until the middle of the night
when I found myself in my own bed at home and Celia was yelling at me. I couldn't
figure out why she was so upset.
What had happened was that my mate and
I got back to my place about 8 or 8.30, the kids had been put to bed after
having toast or something for their meal because their daddy didn't show
up. Apparently we rolled up in my car but I wasn't driving; I was hanging
out the passenger door vomiting on the road. If you don't believe
that people black out and remember nothing when they're drunk, believe
it. I knew nothing.
For my wife it was not just that I disappointed the
kids; her father was an alcoholic. Her Mum had to take the kids and run
from him because he had become so violent. He had lost the family farm
and their lives were torn apart because of alcohol. Her father had promised
her so many things in the past and never delivered because he stayed and
got drunk instead of taking her out for that meal or whatever it was
that he had promised. Celia had spent many times waiting on the doorstep of the hotel whilst her father got drunk and witnessed him dragging
her Mum around by the hair many times and all the rest of the dramas that happen
in this sort of situation. To her it seemed that her husband was starting
down the same track.
We got over that incident and it frightened me because I'd allowed drink
to adversely affect my family and because the black out blew me away in
that try as I might I couldn't remember any more than before.
Celia started
going to the Elim church in town and I went one Sunday morning because of guilt. I
felt guilty because I thought the man was supposed
to lead the way and so off I went, hangover and all. That is the day
God took a hold of me. It wasn't a dramatic thing, but I just knew that
this was right. That is the last day I had a drink. There was no turning
back and I just knew in my heart of hearts that this was the turning point.
Now I look back on that day I got drunk the way I did and I know what
sort of person I was and would be without Jesus in my life. I know that I need Him
so much. The Lord has enabled me to speak in front of a crowd which is something I
hadn't been able to do since primary school because I would get so choked up with
fear. I have never had a more fulfilling life as the one I have now. Sometimes it's hard
being a Christian, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But it's also hard sometimes when
you're not a Christian and who have you got to turn to then? I know the Lord loves me
and is always there for me. He is for me not against me. I'm in ministry training with a
view to full-time ministry in the future, Lord willing.
Please
help me to love ever more and more, Lord Jesus.
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