i guess i don't know everything--anything


(written way too early on 1/9/98)

i like to write stuff because i need to think things...but...although it would be the more intelligent choice, i don't want to just keep them buried away to myself, for myself. i think and i breathe and i hate and i live...and in the end it makes me sick--and damnit, everyone is going to know this. until i realize "oh my god what have i done"...or something along those lines anyway.

i like to think that i rule myself--that i know what's going on--that nothing outside of my own person will ever be able to take me down. but, it's just so wrong. i want to control how i feel and it's just a bitch that i can't. and it's a bitch that no one will ever understand this but me...(hey...know what i just realized? i can type with out looking at the keys finally...i mean, i took the class but i always cheated and just learned how to type fast putting my fingers where ever they felt like going and having my nose over the keyboard...oh i was bad {grin}).

i guess i don't know what it is that's wrong with me. am i too ugly? too opinionated? too fat? too dumb? too smart? too questioning? too "negative"? too loud? too quiet? too idealist? too realistic? too hateful? too caring? too angry? too sad? too right? too wrong? (whoa...the word "too" starts looking funny after you look at it for awhile.) i don't know who i'm supposed to be, but i know that this person who i exist as now isn't anything that anyone else likes...i just wish i could fix it.

the problem with fixing myself becomes a problem in itself though. i mean, who i am is a result of how i perceive the world and i don't see myself being able to start seeing things any differently. don't get me wrong; i want to. i just don't think that i can.

what really gets me down about this, though, is that i will have to spend my entire life alone and poor and depressed primarily because i have ideals. it really sucks. i guess i need to stop thinking for awhile. and for awhile i of course mean forever.

huh...this is completely incoherent. heh...it's really late and i'm feeling really crappy right now though. hell, unless i forget to update here for a long time, if you're reading this...you will be one of the few because i'm taking it down as soon as i come out of my slump. slump. that's a weird word. i like it.

anyway, i just finished with some random guy tonight. i dunno...i guess maybe we were friends. i guess maybe we were more. i guess maybe it doesn't matter. logically i know it doesn't matter. but for some stupid reason it does anyway. more than just it being over though, would be the fact that he told me he dug my best friend and asked me for her phone number immediately afterwards. huh...i guess i'm just not good enough once again. i wish i knew why it bothered me so much. it shouldn't. but it does. {grumble} how pathetic. (by the way, if you're reading this...i really do hate you right now...i mean, i don't care what you say or how you try to justify yourself...that was just low...and i feel really fockin used by you right now...although i know you don't care...seeing as i don't think like you and all.)

i wish i knew what i was supposed to be. i feel like such a failure. i mean, everything that i want never happens. i want people to listen to me, so i get ignored. i want to go to a good school, so i end up staying at ndsu. i want to be loved, so i put myself into situations where i know perfectly well it will never happen. i want to be happy, so all of the bad things tend to overwhelm and blind me. i want to be able to change things, so i'm powerless. i want to matter, so everyone is indifferent towards me. not to be paranoid, but i know that the world is out to get me {grin}.

i know that i didn't love him. i'm not even sure how much i liked him. i think he was just some guy that was around so i thought, what the hell. so i don't understand why this is bothering me. i wasn't disillusioned by the situation. i knew what was up. i'm not that stupid of a girl....just stupid enough i guess. i wish i understood why it was just so...annoying. i mean, i even sort of started the end. i don't think it's him that is bothering me, i think it's that i now have tried out all different genres of guys and none of them click with me. i'm going to be alone forever. and as hard as i try to come off being hard and independent, it really does bother me. in fact, i feel like crawling up into a ball right now and crying...but that's just a little too pathetic even for me {grin}.

i don't know how to make myself different--better. but i know that i need to. everything always goes wrong for me and it can't be that everything else just sucks...it has to be my fault. how can i fix it? how can i fix me?


(still too early on 1/9/98)

i read this thing that utah phillips (a folk singer) wrote a few weeks ago. it was something about needing to be yourself. hmmm...i've always considered myself to be an idealist, but i've never really had problems with who i was before. you know, so i will be completely alone for my entire life and no one will ever care if i'm alive or not...it doesn't really matter...i mean, i have ideas and i do actually care about people and maybe someday that will be good enough for someone. and if not, i guess it has to be good enough for me.




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