i'm so calm...

i'm so sad. i lied. i don't have any scissors and i don't want to cut anything off. and you don't want to hear it and you don't love me. and i hate that. and i thought i was getting over it--getting over you. i was so mad and angry and upset and i thought that would make it go away. it didn't. so i convinced myself that i didn't care. i told myself you didn't matter. but i never really could make myself believe it. i love you. i'm not getting over it. i can't get over it. and i don't even want to. i don't understand. i pushed you to the edges of my brain so that i could stop thinking about you, but you would always creep back in. i'm not getting over you and i'm so angry at myself for it. you promised me forever. you promised me...

i'm sorry, i don't know. and i thought that it would go away, i thought i could make myself do that. i can't. i can't. i fell onto the floor of my shower this morning sobbing because it was then all of a sudden like a strange bolt that i realized...i'm tied to you. you're not cutting it and i can't. i love you. i'm sorry. i am. it's so hard for me to even imagine myself breathing without you. why'd you do that to me?

and now you call me just to make me worry more... i don't want to hear about your drugs and i don't want to hear about your ill planned trips to california that you never even make yourself go on. it hurts me more. if you ever cared you wouldn't make the hurt continue. you'd just let me go, but you aren't even doing that.

i tell myself and i tell anyone who asks that i'm done with you, that i don't care. well i realize i'm wrong. i can never exist as i did before you, now without you.

mostly i'm upset with myself though... i promised that i'd never let you drown. well you, you're sinking and i can't stop it. i'm sorry. i guess i couldn't stop the momentum that you insist on building for yourself. you're going down and it would appear you're going down fast. i'm scared and i'm sorry.

i'm not saying anything new, i know. but you don't understand what hell i've put myself in because of you. i spent weeks puking and not eating and letting myself fall apart inside, and less importantly, out. then i tried to convince myself that i had made a plan that would work. and now i even have the balls to do it. and then i made myself angry at you for all the shit you're putting us both through. and then i told myself i was apathetic to you, like it was some kind of revenge on myself to not care. and now i see i can't do that. and it hurts. a lot.

i try to understand that you just don't want me. i really do. i don't know. i'm moving in a few weeks. maybe then i'll forget you, but i don't even think a few centuries will be enough for that. just remember, i'm not holding you at all. anything holding us together is your choice, same as everything that brought us together and ripped us apart. i spend every day letting myself shred my brain apart. i can only hope someday that will end. most likely, when one of us dies....but i don't even count on that solving the problem and i don't want to wait that many years anyway.

if this is a fuck or be fucked world, i surely know what side i'm on. and even so, i wouldn't change that. stop just looking out for number and maybe you'd see that there are--were--people that would have done a better job, and it wouldn't have been nearly so painful.

it's over but i can't get over it. whatever. yeah, whatever.




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