raving assholes live...

ok, so here's how the story goes...

incredibly---in-fuckin-credibly---excited and happy i was to be going to colorado. well, until i got there and then i sort of, umm, well....i started freaking out. i wasn't going off on people or anything...i just sort of withdrew and puked all over the place (outside though and not at my house so i didn't have to clean it up--heh) and had attacks where i wasn't breathing. and i was nervous, all the time i was nervous... well, whatever....y'kNOW? whatever...

but that's not why i came back to fargo. no, that's not why i came back at all (oh, by the way, i ended up coming back to fargo). no no no, the guy that i have been pining and dwelling over, the one that i stockpiled "i love yous" and "i'll never hurt you agains" from, the one that i was prepared to let own me more or less (bad idea....i fucking know that is--was--a bad idea)... yeah well, whatever. he fuckin flipped out on me. and not a little flip out, a big old raving asshole kind of flip out... an "i'm-gonna-kill-you" and "you-fucking-bitch" kind of flip out... a you-need-to-be-locked-up kind of flip out...

ok, that is not where i wanted to go with this. not at all. i'm not one for revenge and talking bad about former loves (which of course you are now, stupid dick)... heh! well, y'kNOW... maybe i am a little bit. {smile}

ok, i am now NOW (yeah, that's my word and it's burned on your fucking arm, little one...so, uh, there...and it is a shitty tattoo job too, i might add...) now i am shifting my focus. not over all, i just mean, i'm not talking to my usual adience here, i am talking to that stupid little raving asshole in colorado (you know who the fuck you are) because we both know that you are going to come here and look at this hoping that i'm broken up and shattered and uh, fuck...i don't know.... why are you reading this? i just know that you will {shrug}.

ok, so, hi. yeah, i haven't talked to YOU in awhile, huh... mmm...godfuckshitdamngrrr... do you realize what you have done yet? do you really? do you realize that you fucked over--twice!--a girl that promised to love you forever? a girl that meant it with every part of her being? do you realize that you've NOW lost that forever...do you realize that? do you? do you realize that the reasons she left are solely your fault?

mmmm well whatever. y'kNOW? whatever... i'm so messed up in my head right now. i guess i'm supposed to see a "doctor" because of how fucking messed up i am... depression or some shit. i don't agree. i'm terribly sad and don't want to do anything and all that other stuff, but, mmmm, if i were to claim refuge in a common ailment, i would be admitting defeat, and that's just so...bad....so pathetic. besides, i've always fixed myself before and i figure i'll fix myself again...

and when i think about it, i don't know why i've let you do this to me. i really don't. i mean, i can do a lot better than you. i'm more attractive, more intelligent, and i have this crazy thing called compassion which i don't think you can even fathom. and furthermore, you're just plain mean. you were mean to me, and you and i both know you weren't provoked--other than the fact i'm willing to speak even after you tell me not to (why, i don't know).

god, i don't know. the only thing that i can think of is that you truly are a weak individual. that's about all i'm coming up with. that and you can be a raving asshole. oh i don't know. i didn't deserve that. i didn't deserve the way you treated me the whole fucking time i was there, and what you did in the end, well that just sealed the deal. i wish i were still in colorado. i didn't want to leave. i blame you. you and i both know you deserve the blame. you and i both know you don't deserve much more than that.

someday, maybe you'll realize things that most of us were born knowing. knowing that people are not supposed to be treated the way that you treat them. knowing that you can't just piss on whoever you want... i don't know.

you broke me very badly before. you completely broke my heart, and even so, i gave you another chance. luckily it hadn't been completely---or even half-way---mended yet or i would be in much worse shape now. but i will not allow you to destroy me. you're full of lies, you're full of evil. and i do hope that someday your selfish little dreams do come true, so that you can feel guilty about it for the rest of your life. i hope that someday you learn that there are just some things that you don't do to people, particularily the people that you say you love.

anyway, i'm moving to seattle next weekend and i'm getting my nose pierced tomorrow. ok, so you didn't need to know that, but i just remembered and if you hadn't noticed, a lot of pretty random thoughts end up in here... so, someday i guaruntee that you will know what it is you lost. and someday, i figure i will know what it is i gained by losing you.

FUCKER!!!

and i don't love you anymore.

(ok, that's not true....i still do....but how does it feel to hear that? huh? how's it feel?)




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