well this isn't making things clearer...



hmmm....well...

enter next player...

it's funny. i feel like i've been in a bad fun house. the line was long. i got lost once i finally got in. the mirrors made me feel ugly. and it was too expensive. but i found my way out. i met a friend while i was there. and i gained an experience that will change my perceptions. so i guess in the end, it was good...even if it did make me confused while i was there. however, now things are even more complicated than i thought they might be before.

if it's not friendship and it's not love, what is it when you know it's not hate? wow...that's a really good question. and i don't know. but you are definately complicating things for me to be certain. and i guess i'm doing the same thing to you, which makes me feel a lot better i guess...it's never good to be alone in your thoughts more or less. but see, you aren't working into my equations, however, like i told you, i've never subscribed to the religions of math anyway...and i'm glad that you don't either or this complication confusion might be a more significant problem.

i wonder if you're reading this. i wonder if you know it's about you. i wonder if it matters. i wonder....i wonder about a lot of things. and you are one of these such things....indeed...you are. i wonder if this is even something that i should be thinking about right now. i mean, i know just how bad i am at these sorts of things...

more than that, though, you come to me at a very inopportune time. i mean, i want to be wallering in self pity right now. i want to be bitter and mad and, well, feeling like shit. don't you see just how you're complicating things? maybe i'm doing worse to you though...after all, it wouldn't be the first time i headfucked someone...of course this wouldn't be the first time that i got headfucked either...

see...i finish with a someone at the beginning of december. i jump right into another someone. i'm done with him at the beginning of january. and i know that they were both completely bad and completely wrong for me. well, i mean, one has some redeaming qualities, but that's beyond the point. either way, they both left me feeling miserable--or was it me who left them to make myself feel miserable. i dunno. i suppose it really doesn't matter too much because either way, this is really bad timing.

so what is there between friendship and love when you know it's not hate? i guess it's whatever we are. or maybe we're just on the road to one of the three and...well...i don't know. or maybe we're just distracting each other from the people around us that are making things hard. i don't think that though. i think something's going to happen one way or another--something has to happen. i'm tired of things being how they are. i'm tired...yeah...i'm tired.

see now...your curses are working. i mean, yeah, i'm thinking about you. yeah, i'm missing you. yeah, i'm going pathetic. {smile} i don't know just how much i mind though.

it's weird how things go sometimes. i mean, you secretly saved me. i was miserable. it was a night that bad things had gone down. i was crouched in the corner furiously flipping through my mind trying to sort things out trying to make myself understand what i was doing or what was being done. i'm still not sure. i know i was silently screaming in my brain. i dunno. i was not, by any means, i was not happy. and then you called. and you had no idea what it was that i was thinking or what i was doing. and it stopped mattering. i stopped caring about that other him. i listened to your slow low laughing voice that i hadn't heard in weeks. and it didn't matter anymore. i don't know why. but i figure i don't need to know why...i just...i just...well, i don't know what i need at all.

{laugh} yeah well, you say that you read this page. i guess we'll see that now won't we. if you start to treat me like i'm even more insane than before...we'll know. i'll know.

i'm worn out. i am too tired to think anymore. and you have made things complicated. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i don't know what i'm supposed to be.

you know, i'm not completely over that last him. you know, it's too soon for me to give in to any of this. you know, i'm trying to sort all this out too. you know, i'm not ready to share who i am with you any more than i already am. you know, though, that i want to. i want to be completely over him because i know he isn't what i want or what i need or even what i like. i want to shake the past months away and say that i'm ready to face the world--and you--totally. i want to be so comfortable in who i am and what i think that i can let you be a part of me. and i think i might want to be a part of you. it's all speculative, but i figure, if this is one of those good things (tm), we'll have time to figure all that out...won't we? yeah...this could be a good thing.

so, tell me. is this what you want? am i who you want? i can be really mean. i can get mad. i can stay bitter for really long amounts of time. i can talk too much. i can swear too much. i can laugh too long. i can feel too much.

and dammit...i hate it when things get complicated. and i hate it when i don't understand. and lots of other things.

so what is it when it's not exactly friendship but it's not love and you know it isn't hate?




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