lost five miles back...



i do believe that the walls are closing in on me...

you know...i tell myself over and over again that it's ok for me to be here. and i know that it is. i didn't need to run away as soon as i could. i mean, it's stable more or less to be where i am and i'm learning a lot of things that i didn't want to, but always needed to, know.

but still...i want to break out.

i want to get in my car on my feet and leave. i want to take my backpack and toothbrush and take off. i want to see things. i want to do things. and it's just not happening here...everything is static. everything is boring.

i want to wake up and see a different ceiling.

i want to fall asleep and see the face of the person that's out there near by...

i'm afraid of a lot of things. i'm afraid of knowing more than i want to. i'm afraid of not knowing enough. i'm afraid of lonliness death and dark places by myself. but it doesn't mean that i shouldn't at least consider experiencing them.

in my collection of perceptions i am falling terribly short. so, how do i break free from the shackles that tie me to this house and these people? and what am i going to lose if i do? i mean, i love these people and i can't exactly just tell them to all go to hell...and i don't want to either. so where does that leave me?

what's out there? who's out there?

i think i know why i'm here though. however, i also think that i've learned all i can from that situation and i'm ready to keep moving, start moving. i'm ready to try...well, anything...everything.

my great grandma used to always make powdered milk. i think that has to be some of the worst stuff in the world, and it certainly didn't help me to like milk anymore which i think has to be one of the grossest substances around anyway. but it's what she was used to. it was bad. really bad. but she got used to it and didn't remember any differently. so she started to like it and i guess that's ok. but it doesn't change the fact that it was still bad. i guess that's the way that i'm looking at staying here right now. it works. i can get used to it. i can handle it and eventually i won't even remember what else is out there. it's easy to store and if you have some oreos, it's still gonna be ok.

but then again i look at my great grandma. i wonder if she wonders about what else is out there. i wonder if she feels disappointed in her life. i figure she must--i don't see how it is that she couldn't. don't get me wrong, it worked for the purposes she set out for herself. but i don't want to have to look around when i'm ninety and think, god what did i do...why am i sitting here alone...why am i letting situations run who i am? i don't know.

so here i sit suffocating on my powdered milk. i know that there are other things out there that i might like better, but this is working more or less for what i need now. but that doesn't mean i have to forget that there is a world out there for me to explore.

i can't sit here forever. i won't sit here forever.

so...where's my toothbrush?...i wanna go on that roadtrip...




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