the joys of being young and offensive

y'kNOW...lately i have just been saying whatever it is that comes to mind. i see an old not-so-stranger who has since become a much-so-stranger and i just got the feeling that i needed to say something. and it was offensive. totally and completely. however, i do believe it was also true, so i guess you take the shit that comes from opening your mouth with a grain of salt--or is that a whole salt mine...no matter, i said what i thought i needed to, and i stand by it because it was correct. and if you want to lose all respect for me because of it, well your respect is cheap anyway and i have no need nor desire for it.

with this said...

i feel that i am becoming more and more sure of myself as of late. i make up desicions and i very much believe that they are right. i do not fear--much. i am becoming much more steady. much happier. and much more content. not because i am coming to terms with the realities around me, however, but more because i am coming to terms with the fact that i am young and free. and if something feels right, i will do it. if something feels wrong, i will not. and it is that simple. i trust myself.

remember when you were younger and you'd go out catching crickets and grasshoppers? my god, i loved it. i was a silent stalker armed with my fingers and an old cass clay ice cream pail or miracle whip jar that i had set up with twigs, leaves and grass, and maybe a couple of rocks. i would walk so sure footed through my neighborhood, always looking down. i would never crush one of the precious insect gems. and i would most always catch some and put them in the jar and quick skrew on the lid with the screwdriver airholes punched in. and for a traumatic night they would sleep in my garage in my crude little bug hut and the next day i would let them go.

and i think that this idea has always stuck with me. however, in real life i am the one that is being shoved into a plastic jar, never the one doing the catching. i am afraid of being captured and i'm afraid of being trapped somewhere i don't want to be with the whole world looking in on me with disgust. and this is part of why i am so angry with the world as some have put it...i don't want to get caught and i don't want to be watched and i never know what big toe i accidently step on out in the grass will lead to my doom...

however, i'm tiring of this analogy and i think i had it backwards anyway. i can help to control my fate and i can decide where i want to be and when i want to be there. i'm not living in a mayonaise jar. nope. i'm not. i'm free. i'm young. i'm happy. and shhh i'm in love. and i'm in no danger of being caught. rather, i will go out watching and stalking and find the dreams i want to catch and make them my own. and i'll keep them in a glass jar with airholes and jumping room and i will be and do whatever it is that i should be. whatever it is that i want to be. and why shouldn't i? why can't i?

i make a lot of people mad. i know i do. i still do get angry at many things because they are just so completely out of my control. but what is one to do? i'm not going to lie and pretend that i'm completely content. i'm not going to be continuosly nice. nope. not a chance. and i'm asked "what's your problem?" and how can i respond other than "what's your excuse?" i am cynical. and i am angry. and i can't see how other people are not. look around you. is it what you want to see?

i'm not diggin what i'm seeing... i know this. there is a face that i'm not seeing that i would do anything for just a glimpse of right now. but, for now it's not here and i'm not where it is. soon enough though, i will see it and it will be a constant. i do not see that all people have an equal chance. i do not see that everyone loves. i do not see that everyone thinks. so, what am i to do? am i to ignore it and pretend that i'm completely at peace. nah, that's not me. i will continue being the pessimist i am. not because i feel hopeless, but because i know that changes must be made. if you do not like this, i suggest that you reexamine what it is you live for, what it is you stand for.

i am happy right now. yes, i am. but that is not because things are good. it's because i know that things can get better. it's because i know that i can help things to get better. and so there. i don't win. but i don't lose either. only those who are not willing to look for truths lose. and only those will i hold complete disrespect for. as of now, i still hold some respect for everyone. and for some, i think that you're amazing and i hope to be like you someday. but for now, i still need to be mad. mad and in love and offensive and young. and that's that.

so what's your excuse?


and when i said before that i was done with the loser pages....pfft...like i'm ever going to be done thinking...




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