Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. --

Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely. --

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.

Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or dislikes, which one is allergic to penicillin and hamster fur, who gets carsick and who isn't kidding when he stands outside the bathroom door and tells you what's going to happen if he doesn't get in right away. It's tough. If they all have the same hair color they tend to run together

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit. I threw a wastebasket over it until I was sure it was dead.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said no to dessert . . . and for what!

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place to wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

I've exercised with women so thin buzzards followed them to their cars.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62 percent of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

"If a man's home is his castle, then let HIM clean it!"--

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a small voice on the other side of the door hasn't whined, "Are you saving the bananas for anything?"

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

Christmas Shopping: Wouldn't it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn't have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in "Gift certificate for a flu shot

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.

There's a territorial ritual to an aerobics class. I entered a class for the first time a few years ago and ended up where no one wanted to be...in the front row next to the mirror. It was three years before I could work my way to the back row On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies and the sand out of our belongings.

Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!"

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them

I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said it hit a tree. I don't want to talk about it.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?"

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

I suppose every child remembers some special virtue their mother has, some piece of wisdom that saved them from disaster or a word that made the path infinitely easier. I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing."

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes.
It's unbridled, it's unplanned, it's full of surprises.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."