Lesson 8

Get ready to go out.
  1. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
  2. Go out the front door.
  3. . Come in again.
  4. Go out.
  5. Come back in.
  6. Go out again.
  7. Walk down the front path.
  8. Walk back up it.
  9. Walk down it again.
  10. . Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
  11. . Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
  12. cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
  13. . Retrace your steps.
  14. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
  15. . Give up and go back into the house.
  16. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9

Repeat everything at least, if not more than, five times.
Lesson 10

  1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child.... a full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat
  2. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight

  1. Hollow out a melon.
  2. . Make a small hole in the side.
  3. . Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
  4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
  5. . Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
  6. . Tip half into your lap...the other half just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

Lesson 12

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney,Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on T.V. for at least five years.

Lesson 13

  1. Move to the tropics.
  2. Find or make a compost pile
  3. Dig down about half way in and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for two years.

Lesson 14

  1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher ("The Nanny") saying "Mommy" repeatedly. Important... No more than a four second delay between each "mommy".
  2. Occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
  3. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.<.ol>,br> You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the tape made from FOURTEEN above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Lesson 16

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an important meeting.
  1. . Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
  2. . Stir.
  3. . Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this > mixture.
  4. . Attempt to wipe it off with this towel.
  5. . Do NOT change. You have no time.
  6. . Go directly to work.

Lesson 17

Go for a ride, but first....
  1. Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls.
  2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
  3. Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car.
  4. . While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
  5. For the really adventurous...Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.

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