I'd like to make something completely clear: if you worry about mass destruction at the turn of the millenium you need to shut up RIGHT NOW. Don't think that's as clear as I'm going to get, either. I'm about to go on and on about it. So at the end of this essay, I'm going to say "Am I making myself clear?" and you're going to say "Crystal!", because that's what Tom Cruise said in Risky Business.
Ever hear of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Well that's exactly what all this is. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
It works several ways. First of all, odds. When someone says to me, "Hey Dan, on July 14th you're going to grab a Scottish Flag and jump off a chair." I respond with, "That's absurd, I will not." But you see, assuming I hadn't thought of what I will be doing that day, for the smallest tiniest nano-milli-second after the initial suggestion there is a 100% chance that on July 14th I will indeed grab the Scottish flag that decorates my wall and jump off my kitchen chair. Sound silly? Well let me explain, you see, there is no other option as far as my mind is concerned. As far as odds go, that is the first choice given to me and therefore, if fate got to spin the wheel then and there the whole Wheel of Fortune in my head would be one slice of "Flag on Chair". Of course once that nano-milli-second is over, my mind comes up with trillions of other options like "Well maybe I'll watch my video of Barton Fink" or "Maybe I'll see the improv set at Second City" or perhaps "I could go see the movie Hurlyburly with Meg". You get the idea. After that shred of time, your mind thinks of an infinite amount of more sane, realistic options making the idea of waving a flag on top of a chair seem as stupid as it should seem. Not only that, but due to the absurdity of that suggestion I will likely forget it unless I am reminded of it.
But you see, when someone says "Hey Dan, the world will end on in the year 2000, or the year 2001 if you believe in that millenium accuracy drivel" I come up with a lot of alternate plans to dying, but it's a little more interesting and foreboding to think the world may end then it is to picture myself holding a flag and standing on a chair. So I will respond the same, I will say "That's absurd, the world will not end", but oddly enough I will find myself coming back to that possibility more and more often. Well here's the secret to worrying about something: it does you no good. The more you picture bombs dropping and people rioting in the streets the easier it will be for you to freak out when it actually happens. So why is everyone panicing? Because it's interesting. If it were any other year I'm sure I'd be planning no more than eating breathing and sleeping that day. But an apocalypse? Gee, that'd be crazy!
It's true, society is asking for something. We are so ridiculously capitalistic in America these days that shoes don't cost a shitload because the ground has more rocks in it these days, they cost a shitload because some guy who bounces a ball a lot put some on and smiled on that television set you have. But you really needn't think about the world ending, because you won't come up with any worthwhile prevention plans,and it isn't going to happen.
"BUT DAN! THE Y2K VIRUS! PLANES CRASHING! MISSILE LAUNCHERS MALFUNCTIONING! THE PLANETS ARE ALL ALIGNED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE SUN! THE STOCK MARKET IS GOING APESHIT! MR. APPLEWAY BUILT A BUNKER IN MONTANA! NOSTRADOMUS PREDICTED BILL CLINTON WOULD GET HEAD AND THAT WOULD BE IMMEADIATELY FOLLOWED BY A RAIN OF FIRE! THE BIBLE PREDICTS THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST! A LADY ON 20/20 PREDICTS A NUCLEAR WASTELAND COURTESY OF MIDDLE-EASTERN TERRORISTS! YOU'LL BE SORRY DAN!"
I won't be sorry. Shut the hell up.
I'll tell you what, if I hear that Des Moines is nuked due to an accidental computer shutdown at midnight New Year's day, I will move to the west coast. If it starts raining fire I will denounce my atheism and beg Christ for forgiveness. If people start rioting in Chicago, I will move back to my parent's house for a couple weeks. Deal with shit as it comes.
As of right now, there is surprisingly little to worry about. If something freaky does happen, like the government can't get all the airplane systems fixed for the Y2K computer bug, it will only get worse if everyone is worried about the end of the world and all those planes are full. If people were more calm about things, I'm sure more flights could be cancelled around New Year's in order to cope with the computer problems. But everyone's paranoid ass is going to be on a plane to Canada where there are fewer Nuclear Power Plants.
I'll tell you what, a bunker ain't gonna do shit. Wanna know why? Guess how many have been tested. That's right, tell me how many bombs have been dropped near one of those things in a test or in a reality situation. Well if you guessed more than zero, you are wrong. It's all speculation that you can keep out radiation. It's a random chance that you'll have enough supplies. How are you going to get clean oxygen, from house plants? Enough food? What if there's nothing but a barren, desolate, lifeless Earth outside that bunker? You're still fucked! Uh oh! What can you respond to that with? Are you going to tell me that you can only do your best to build that bunker and hope it all turns out okay? Well why don't you undo that decision to panic and build that bunker and THEN decide to do your best hope it turns out okay WITHOUT preparing for armeggedon. Trust me, if all hell breaks loose, it'll take more than a ranch in Wyoming with a Greenhouse to save your ass.
A lot of things are very foreboding right now, when I'm writing this. Our President is tarnished, Eastern countries are suddenly armed, stock in Miramax is way the fuck down, but what is there to be scared of? As of the the time this is written, late January, the only thing to fear is yourself. Are you afraid of other people? Well, they're people just like you. And they are capable of the same things you are. So maybe if we would all stop thinking about war and a societal collapse the people around us would take a hint, and the people with potential to do such things would think "Hey, maybe instead of launching this missile, I'll go see the movie Hurlyburly with Meg" or "Perhaps instead of looting the streets of Chicago I think I'll go see the improv set at Second City" or perhaps "Instead of publishing this article about the danger of the millenium I'll go home and watch my video of Barton Fink". Now, if you'll excuse me, instead of going on anymore about this, I'm going to do my laundry. Am I making myself clear?