Anyone who knows the Super Mario Bros knows that those fucking mushroom people are no good. It all started in 1985,when they were first introduced in the the original Super Mario Bros for Nintendo. You would defeat Bowser, King of the Koopas, or at least you'd think you had. But he falls in the lava, you enter the gate, and it seems that instead of the Princess,it's just smug little mushroom guy after smug little mushroom guy saying "Thanks Mario, but the Princess is in another castle!". Who the fuck did they think they were?!? And this went on for seven GODDAMN LEVELS...
Then we had the fiasco known as Super Mario Bros 2, in which "Toad", the mushroom people's champion, is given a leading role in the game. I had mixed feelings; one one hand we had only one mushroom head fucker to deal with, and his only ability in the game was to pick up radishes faster than anyone else. On the other hand, Nintendo was going way over the fucking line by making one of these poofy-hat wearing midgets a key character.
This is where the shit really hit the fan. The Mario Show cartoon came out, and Toad was in every fucking episode as Mario and Luigi's victimized sidekick. Sure, you got to see the little bastard getting stomped on by the koopas, but he never went away! Why couldn't this fucking stop? There were even episodes dedicated to Toad AND HIS FUCKING FAMILY OF MUSHROOM PEOPLE.
By this time, Super Mario Bros 3 was coming out. The game went as far as it could go without being all about that fucking Toad. There were mushroom people kings and shopkeepers and princes and I just about fucking cried.
Now Nintendo pulled a not so funny trick. With the release of Super Nintendo came Super Mario World, in which TOAD WAS REPLACED BY A LITTLE DINOSAUR NAME YOSHI. You can imagine my excitement when I found out that Toad and his bastard battalion of midget freaks were bumped for a cast of dinosaurs. Not one mushroom fucker in the whole game. But HAHA NINTENDO WAS JUST FUCKING WITH ME! THEY WEREN'T PHASING TOAD OUT AT ALL! What I am referring to is the incident I refer to as "Super Mario Kart". Oh, a fun enough game, innovative and all, but guess who one of the characters in this game is? Oh, you fucking know it, it was that poofy headed little shit Toad. That game overshadowed Super Mario World entirely, giving Toad the spotlight once again.
After that came a time of despair. I didn't eat right, I tried swallowing a bottle of aspirin eight times, and I lost all ambition. Then came the one, the only N64. It's number one game, Super Mario 64, had only the slightest remnants of Toad. You see him twice in the whole game, and it is for only a moment as he tells you useless information. Surely, I thought, this was Toad's darkest hour. With all my hate mail to Nintendo of America I had finally won out; they were going to let him fade into the shadows of gaming history...
Do you know what happened? DO YOU KNOW WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED? MARIO KART SIXTY-FUCKING-FOUR. OH YEAH, IT HAD MOTHERFUCKING TOAD IN IT! AND OVER AND OVER, YOU GET TO HEAR A DIGITIZED FUCKING HIGH PITCHED VOICE OF TOAD SAYING "I'M THE BEST!". ALL THOSE FANS OF THE ORIGINAL MARIO KART AND A WHOLE NEW GENERATION OF NINTENDO PLAYERS GETTING TO PLAY AS THAT MUSHROOM WHORE ALL OVER AGAIN. YOU LITTLE FUCKER! "I'M THE BEST!" "I'M THE BEST!" "I'M THE BEST!" "I'M THE BEST!" "I'M THE BEST!" "I'M THE BEST!" FUCK YOU, MUSHROOM PEOPLE!!!!!