The Cigarette Experiment
Now, smoking is something I do not recommend or endorse. It's just that there is such an allure about it that makes me think that it is soothing and somehow worthwhile. Now, I've jokingly taken drags from friends' cigarettes in a mocking way, and I usually follow it up with a blurb about cancer. But I decided I would conduct an experiment: I would purchase one and only one pack of cigarettes and smoke it, then decide for myself the pros and cons. This is how it went...
9-2-98
A wednesday night. I decide to make the big move after seeing a show at the Improv Olympic. I go into a local liquor store with a pack in mind. My improv hero, Susan Messing, would always bring this brand of cigarettes to class that had a yellow and black stripe pattern with a picture of a bee on it. No name, just a pattern and a bee. Plus, it says the tobacco is "Honey-Roasted", so I think the smoke will taste like candy.
So I buy a pack and wait until I get home (there are matches already there...). I "pack" the cigarettes the entire train trip home. Packing consists of slapping the top of the package while holding it upside-down. I have no idea what this does.
At home, I open all my windows, plop down on the couch and light one up. I was sleepy, but suddenly I feel a strange and instant high. More than relaxed, I feel anxiety-free. My already freaked out roomate Perry walks in and sees me smoking, and knowing that I am very anti-drugs-of-any-kind he freaks out even more and tries to steal the cigarettes. I let him have one. I get them back. I decide that smoking may not be that bad. I remind myself that the people who make cigarettes are laughing at my gullibility.
9-3-98
I have another one on the way to my job at the Second City theatre. I notice that it feels "cooler" to leave the cigarette in my mouth instead of holding it and bringing it to and from my lips. However, if you leave it in your mouth the smoke constantly blows up into your eyes and stings them.
Much more so than last night it feels like the smoke is leaving a film on my throat and I notice that my nose is producing a lot of mucous. This time the "high" is virtually non-existent, and even when I take the cigarette out of my mouth the smoke I exhale always ends up burning the hell out of my eyes. I feel slightly less anxious than I did before the cigarette, but the smoking process takes up way too much of my attention span, something that I'm sure goes away with practice, but I don't think I want practice. I also note that in no way does "Honey-Roasted" mean the smoke tastes like candy, or even remotely different from any other cigarette.
I smoke another on my way home from work, and I swear I feel a tumor beginning to pulsate in my throat. I find myself taking quick short drags in order to end the cigarette sooner. I also become paranoid that my teeth are staining and I hold the filter past my teeth instead of in my lips. Decide that package is still cool looking. I remind myself that the guy who designed the package for these things is laughing at my gullibility.
9-4-98
I go to the Improv Olympic to answer the phones during the daytime and bring the cigarettes. A gentleman there named Kevin Mullaney tells me that if I breathe first through my nose then inhale the cigarette smaoke it will sting my eyes less and be more "relaxing". At first he is right, but the novelty of this trick wears off.
At the show that night I use my cigarettes as an ice breaker and make aquaintences with several smokers I normally wouldn't talk to. I am also show fancy ways to light with a Zippo lighter.
Mr. Mullaney drives me home from the theatre that night and speaks of his smoking philosophies. He tells me his experiences and how just mentioning he smoked meant instant comradery among certain people, but had little backlash from non smokers he already knew. Finally seeing the same allure that 12 year old first time smokers see. Remind myself that I am not 12 years old.
9-5-98
Had a party planned later that night, but fifteen minutes into it my cigarettes are bent up when I sit on them. Also, one of my Nintendo games is stolen by a frat boy that no-one remembers inviting. Otherwise, the party is a marginal success.And so ends the experiment. The next time I have $3 laying around I put it towards replacing the Nintendo game.
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