Not sometimes, but most of the times I wonder if the facade we put up is "real". We are all actors in our own ways. How many of us who look happy are really happy and content. How many of us who look serious, are not actually laughing out inside yourself.
I have read somewhere, that the person who laughs a lot, and who keeps everybody laughing is the saddest person. I did not believe it then, but now I may accept it to an extent.
There are times, when doubts and insecurity haunt you, and you need to confide in someone. But the kind of aura of invincibility and fortitude you have built around yourself is so big, that you do not have the balls to say that you are weak with this sense of insecurity. Perhaps this is what kills a man. Why cant we be humans, and not be accepted as humans? Last night I was playing a game on the laptop, and I was visibly thrilled that I was winning. Alfi gave me a look that said "you are grown up.. act like one" . Not exactly.. he was just happy to see me behave like a kid. I really had to tell him that I never ever had a childhood, where we could play with toys, or go around with friends.
There must be a sourse of emotional security. I know God provides this a lot, but sometimes I need humans around me to give me this also. Strange as it may sound, I feel very very comfortable alone and in a forest. Is that weird?????
Love to everybody. John
