THE JOY OF EMOTIONAL PAIN
Copyright 1991 Frederick Zappone


This essay is not about glib answers or pat formulas because I don't have any.  I suffered intense emotional pain for years and all that glib answers and pat formulas did for me was increase my pain.  This article is not about text book stuff, this is about real life, my life.  And in writing about it, hopefully, you will find compassion for yourself and the ability to live your life more joyfully, outrageously and passionately .

What I'm sharing with you comes from what I've learned on my own personal journey.  A trip that has taken me through chronic depression, anger, rage, pills, doctors and hospitals to experiencing the joy of emotional pain.


The Joy Of Emotional Pain????  "How can that be?  It sounds like a paradox to me?  Isn't that a contradictions of terms?" Yes, it's all those things.  You may not understand the title!  You may not even agree with it.  You may think the title is nonsense!  The question I have to ask; are you willing to discover the joy in your emotional pain?  The keyword is willing.  You don't have to know how to do it, you just have to have the willingness to discover the joy in your emotional pain.  Fair enough?

To make the title more real and understandable let me give you a concrete example of the joy in pain.  This one is on the physical level and we can use the example to relate it to our emotional level.

Right before a mother gives birth she's in terrific pain.  For you women that have gone through natural child birth without any pain killers you know what I'm talking about.  This may be an example that men can't fully understand but most everyone can imagine what the pain is like.  The point is, tremendous pain follow by tremendous joy with the birth of the newborn.

The question is, how does that example relate to emotional pain?  If you can see that emotional pain is just part of a birthing process.  It's how new ideas are born.  Ideas that can help you live the life you want .  If you can understand that then you'll understand how the example relates.  For some people the above explanation could be considered glib.  And since I promised you no glib answers we will continue.

Before I was even able to see the possibility of the joy in my emotional pain I had to get rid of many, many disabling beliefs.  And that didn't happen over night.  First off, since I tightly held on to the belief that emotional pain meant that I was either defective or that there was something wrong with me I couldn't even entertain the idea that emotional pain could be a very positive life experience. 

Operating from the core belief that emotional pain meant there was something wrong with me I had spent my entire life proving that point of view to myself.  In other words I was living out my own personal negative self-fulfilling prophesy and fighting and hating it every step of the way. 

I was fighting it in my attempt to prove that I was okay.  There was a part of me that intuitively knew that I was okay and that there was nothing wrong with me.  And yet knowing this and being able to produce evidence to support the idea that I was okay became almost impossible to do.  Why? 

Because every time I fought with the "feelings" that there was something wrong with me that action just gave the "something wrong with me feelings" more power over me.  And it served as additional proof (in the form of those stronger negative feelings) that I was indeed flawed.

(Author Note: It wasn't until I read the book "MIND TRAPS" by Dr.  Tom Rusk that I was able to start looking at self-fulfilling prophesies and emotional pain from a very, very different point of view.  On page 20,21 and 22 of his book there is a section entitled: Self-Doubt and Human Misery .  I recommend that anyone who holds that his or her emotional suffering is a curse should run right out and read that section.  In fact I suggest you get a copy of the book and use it as a reference tool for your own "personal growth" journey.)

The fact is everyone lives out there own personal self-fulfilling prophesy.  The problem is that the self-fulfilling prophesy you are living out is not necessarily your own.  For most people, it is one that they inherited, accepted or took on at a very early age when they didn't have the ability to distinguish between what self-fulfilling prophesies they wanted to live out versus the ones that were given to them by other people.

A self-fulfilling prophesy is nothing more than a prediction we make about ourselves and then live it out and produce the evidence to support our prophesy.  For example if you living out a self-fulfilling prophesy that you are unlovable you probably have plenty of failed relationships to show for it.

If your experiencing emotional pain* chances are you are having a self-fulfilling prophesy conflict.  ( *The emotional pain does not, I repeat, does not mean that there is something wrong with you.)

The emotional pain is how Mother Nature gets your attention when she wants to tell you something.  In this case, if you listen carefully to the conversations coming off your emotional pain you will see there is a big argument going on between the life you wish to lead and the life the programmed self-fulfilling prophesies says you "have to" lead.  Example, your conditioned self-fulfilling prophesy states that you are unlovable and that comes in conflict with your desire to lead a life that produces evidence that says you are loved. 

And where did these programmed self-fulfilling prophesies come from?  They came from your parents, teachers, friends, relatives and ministers.  As you grew up all the adults in your life were convinced they knew what was best for you.  They felt it was their duty to jam their wishes down your throat whether you wanted them or not.  After all, they were bigger, older, richer, smarter, wiser and you were just a young kid who knew nothing.  They also made all kinds of judgments about you.  In their anger they would tell you that you were stupid, worthless and unlovable.  They told you that if we didn't straighten up and fly right no one would want you.