Below are some funnies that people have sent to me. I hope you enjoy them and they make you smile! Some of them are more corny than funny, but at least I'm not ashamed to let my kids read them. Remember, the best humor is clean humor!
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, They decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points):WHICH TIRE?
One Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a series of words and he wanted them to sing the song that came to mind when he said each word.
The first word he said was "rock". They immediately started singing "Rock Of Ages." The second word he said was "blood," and they sang "Power in the Blood." The third word was "cross," and they began singing "The Old Rugged Cross." The fourth word he said was "sex." Everyone gasped, and then it got very quiet. Way in the back of the church, an 87-year-old lady stood up and started singing "Precious Memories."
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens & 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom, I KNOW they're my feet."
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"
A minister asked a six year old boy what his favorite Bible story was. "I guess the one about Noah and the ark, where they floated around on the water for 40 days and 40 nights" replied the boy. "That was a good story," said the minister, "and, with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you think?" The boy thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't think so...they only had two worms
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. The priest asks, "What did you do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery." The priest ask "How many times?" The woman replied "Three times." The priest said "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asked "What did you do?" The man said "I committed adultery." The priest asked "How many times?" The man replied "Three times." The priest said "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The Rabbi ask "What did you do?" The woman answered "I committed adultery." The Rabbi asked "How many times?" The woman replied "Once." They Rabbi said "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me." He was sure he knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery." He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick," he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St.Peter are down at the cemetery dividing souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is?"
After several more pleas the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you and one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And the last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy.
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.
A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to Heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.
About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"
Because I'm a gal, I don't need the television remote control, I have to have the VCR remote so that I can fast forward through the commercials in the soaps I recorded. If I can't find the remote, I will sit patiently through most of the commercial, then get frustrated and get up and manually fast forward through the last 2 seconds.
Because I'm a gal, when I lock my keys in the car I will call my husband who is 3 hours away. If he won't come and fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and instead suggests that we call a road service then I will divorce him - well at least threaten to. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will complain about how my husband won't work on it for me. This weekend I persuaded him to change the oil and Wednesday my headlight went out - I know he only did that to get out of changing my oil next time.
Because I'm a gal, I have the right to be a witch one week every month. Yes a full 25% of the time I have the right to be as hateful and rude as I want and totally uncaring about you - in fact, I know that somehow you are to blame for this. If you are not completely tolerant of me I will tell the whole world what an uncaring jerk you are with no understanding. You never get sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a gal, I expect to be able to rely on you to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread, or Cumin, or Tofu.
Because I'm a gal, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on you fixing it. If you want to call a repair man that's ok, but for a little bit more $ we could get a new one! In fact, don't even bother with it, I don't want to clean up your mess, and a repair man is too expensive - I'll just run downtown and get a new one, where's the checkbook?
Because I'm a gal, I know WE are lost because I am lost, I don't care that you think you know where you are at. I am positive we should stop and ask someone, but don't even think about asking ME to go in that gas station and ask a stranger for anything, much less directions! And put that map away, you can't drive and look at that map - Oh no, don't give it to me, you know I don't know how to read those things.
Because I'm a gal, there is no need to give beyond a one word answer when I ask what you are thinking about. I only asked to open conversation so that I can tell you what I am thinking about.
Because I'm a gal, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is just fine with me - YOU DID WHAT?!? You never got one of those for me!! I'm leaving! When you get ready to apologize, I'll be at Moms.
Because I'm a gal, I am capable of repeating the story (at your family reunion) about how you and your buddies go get drunk and stay out all night. I can repeat this story every year and tell it so as it sounds like a new event even if it did only happen once 5 years ago. If you so much as open your mouth while I am telling the story I will blurt out something like - OH, ARE YOU DENYING IT? TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!
Because I'm a gal, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. If it had Arnold Swarzenegger or the like in it - I didn't like it and I can't believe you did, in fact I am mad at you for liking it. And if I am crying at the end of it, I did like it and you BETTER have liked it too.
Because I'm a gal, yes, I have to turn up the radio when the latest pop sensation tune comes on. And yes it is a must that I buy the tape, wear out the one song, and then clutter the glove box and console with the worthless piece of junk. I'm tired of it for a while, but you better not take it out of my car, or even think about throwing it away. This process is best carried out in conjunction with the 8 hr vacation drive. By the time we get to the beach, he will go along with whatever I want. For the next few days he will care about nothing but getting that stupid tune out of his head, then we can return home (with a new pop sensation picked up at the beach gift shop at twice the $).
Because I'm a gal, I think what you're wearing is fine - even though you didn't ask. I thought what you were wearing the other day would look better though. No, no, no, I don't like that either, here put this on.
Because I'm a gal and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You mow the lawn, paint the house, fix the plumbing, add some more outlets, and do exactly as I say to the landscaping and flower bed, and I'll get a cleaning lady to fix up
the house while I run to town. Oh, don't get carried away digging those holes for the azaleas, you keep an eye on the kids, they'll be in the street before you know it.
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon itself was wonderful -- so romantic! But......." Suddenly she burst out crying. "Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed -- they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!"
"Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. I'm your mother -- tell me these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...words like: Wash, Iron, Dust, Cook..."
Just when you thought you knew everything....
To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola .
To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF!!.
