Jokes Page 10

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sliver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

Dear Friends:

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following information.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

The Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima who delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting too much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.

And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God and asks, "is this it? Am I dead?" God says, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

She recovers and decides to stay in the hospital to have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, hair dyed, and so on. She figures, since she's got another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" To which God replies, "Sorry -- I didn't recognize you."

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