Real Mothers. . . .

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade... It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...



The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't know quite everything!
14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either!
16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom



When you have had one of those "TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT" days, try this.

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."


Clever thoughts

  • Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  • Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  • Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  • I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  • Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Always yield to temptation because it may not pass your way again.
  • If you look like your passport picture you probably need the trip.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
  • It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • If you must choose between two evils pick the one you've never tried before.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Before you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry he'll be a mile away and barefoot.



An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"




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