An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of her car.

The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked 4 or 5 spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed.

Two great buddies, Tommy and Fred, were two of the biggest baseball fans in the USA. Their entire adult lives, Tommy and Fred discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other something they always wanted to know: Is there baseball in heaven?

One summer night, Tommy passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Fred awoke to the sound of Tommy's voice from Glory. "Tommy! Tommy, is that you?" Fred asked. "Of course it me," Tommy replied. "This is incredible!" Fred exclaimed. "OK. So I know why you're here. Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Fred." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night..."

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
  
  
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  
  
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  
  
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
  
  
• Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
  
  
• You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
  
  
• The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
  
  
• Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.
  
  
• I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
  
  
• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
  
  
• I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
  
  
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
  
  
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
  
  
• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
  
  
• A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
  
  
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish- burger and I realize, 'Oh no.... I could be eating a slow learner.'

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.$1,000.00 or best offer.No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.