So, one morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.

She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:

"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

A pastor of one church was previously a sailor and was aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  
• They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  
• They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

• No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
  
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

In case you're planning on little ones or already have them, here are a couple of titles of children's books to steer clear of.

• You Are Different and That's Bad
• The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
• Dad's New Wife Robert
• Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
• Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
• The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
• Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• All Cats Go to Hell
• The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• Some Kittens Can Fly.
• That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
  
• Grandpa Gets a Casket
• The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
• The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
• Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
• Your Nightmares Are Real
• Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
• Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Words to live By

• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
  
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  
• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
  
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
  
• My Reality Check bounced.
  
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
  
• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  
• Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Misplaced Diagnoses

It's amazing what a misplaced phrase will do to a statement: The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
  
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
  
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
  
• I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
  
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
  
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  
• The patient refused an autopsy.
  
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
  
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
  
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  
• The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

The Non-Associated Press reported in a news bulletin today that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy.

Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them. "Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."

"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother Henry is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?" "He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician. "Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully: "Denephew."

Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created

• God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
  
• God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hnd him the TV remote.
  
• God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
  
• God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
  
• God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
  
• God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
  
• As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
  
• Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
  
• As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
  
• And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
  
• When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched hs head and said, "I can do better than that."