1. I'm out of estrogen - I have a gun
   
2. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
   
3. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
   
4. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
   
5. And your point is... (this is my favorite)
   
6. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
   
7. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
   
8. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
   
9. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
   
10. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
    
11. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
    
12. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
    
13. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
    
14. All stressed out and no one to choke.
    
15. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
    
16. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
    
17. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
  
  
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  
  
• I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
  
  
• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
  
  
• A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
  
  
• Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that
  
  
• Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
  
  
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
  
  
• Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
  Dad: That happens in every country, son.
  
  
• Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
  
  
• A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
  
  
• A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire.
  
  
• A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
  
  
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
  
  
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  
  
• Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
  
  
• A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out...
  
  
• I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention
  
  
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  
  
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  
  
• First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."