Jazz's Show Humor
First time At A Dog Show
I'll never, no never, go near one again.
The breeder said 'show him' when I bought the dog,
I showed him alright - the whole place was agog.
They gave me a number.
They gave me a pin.
But I couldn't bear to stick the thing in.
So I rushed to a shop and bought some clear glue
And stuck the card on his back in the loo.
We arrived at the ringside to find we were first
In the dog pup class (this part was the worst).
We marched in together as fast as was able -
Arrived at the judge, who said 'up on the table'.
This really surprised me,
my skirt was quite tight.
And I just couldn't make it, try as hard as I might.
The judge looked quite worried, he said 'listen here -
Put your dog on the table, not you my dear!'
By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool.
But I said to myself 'play it cool, play it cool'.
'How old?' said the judge,
and I heard it quite clear.
Well really! I thought and said 'thirty next year!'
The steward, poor fellow, threw some kind of fit.
He spluttered, he coughed,
and his eyes ran a bit.
'I'd have that cough seen to' I said to him
when He'd finally stopped....
then he started again.
'Once round the ring, dear, as quick as you can'
Said the judge, so I did, I just ran and ran.
But when I arrived (out of breath I admit),
The judge said 'Your dog, dear' - I felt such a twit!
Off round once again, I kept my head bent.
Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and he went!
The lady came running with bucket and spade.
With manure so pricey, had she got it made!
We came back to the judge who said with a frown
Stand your dog' . I said 'Please sir, he's not laying down'
'You can take the first prize stand' he said - I said 'Ta!'
What a job I had getting the stand in the car!
Author Unknown
The Judges Standard
GENERAL APPEARANCE - The first impression of a good judge should be that of a tough-minded but fair, alert and gentle specimen. Muscular fitness and nimbleness are desirable but not mandatory as soft living seems unavoidable in the breed.
The judge should be stamped with a look of nobility and justice - difficult to define, but always unmistakable after the show. The good judge has a distinct personality marked by a direct and fearless - but not hostile - expression of self confidence and that certain aloofness which does not lend itself to immediate and indiscriminate friendships... or at least does not admit to such friendships until later back at the motel.
Secondary sex characteristics should be strongly marked least, when the judge hands you a ribbon, you say "Thank you , sir" to a lady or vice-versa. The question of monorchids or cryptorchids should be left to your florist.
COAT- In cold climates the judge should be equipped with a double coat. Underwear may vary with the season. At no time, however, may a judge shed in the ring.
PROPORTION - The most desirable proportions for a female judge are 38-23-36; however you may settle for a 23-23-23 or, as I have at times 22-35-48. The shape of a male judge is less important - but great bulk and commanding appearance is greatly preferred.
PIGMENT - Let's not get into this again. ALL colors are permissible! I have not personally seen a blue judge, but there is always a first time.
SIZE - The judge should be neither too tall nor too short. As a rule of thumb, if he must sink to his knees to pat the dog, he is probably too tall. On the other hand, if he must jump into the air to test testicles, he is probably too short. Measurements should be taken from the top of the head, with the hair parted or pushed down so that it will show only the actual height of the judge's frame or structure.
A judge of desirable sex and proper flesh should average between 70 and 340 lbs, depending primarily upon sex and how fat he or she is. GAIT - Judges who tend to motivate on all fours should be avoided, as should those who stagger and fall down a lot. Forward motion should be achieved by placing one foot in front of the other... hopping is also permitted and, in fact, often makes for better showmanship.
STANCE- While viewing the dogs, the judge should stand in the center of the ring, feet spread as at "parade rest", the right hand held firmly in the left armpit with the left crossing over under the right armpit... the chin must be tucked solidly into the chest, eyes squinting. Once the judge has assumed this position, the steward should count the number of times the class circles. If that count should exceed 20, he might then unobtrusively poke the judge in the ribs.
Older, more experienced judges have been known to doze off in this position while younger specimens, particularly members of the party-going set, might be still so grassed from the pre-show festivities that they have passed out.
MINOR FAULTS - Muteness: It is preferred if a judge can speak in audible tones, but his vocabulary may be limited to phrases such as "Loose leads!", "Walk them!", "One more time around" and the number one to three must be heard. If this is impossible, a set of flash cards should be provided. Deafness is no fault in a judge, in fact slightly impaired hearing faculties are a distinct advantage as the judge cannot hear the rude comments from the ringside and will be able to literally turn a deaf ear to whispered propositions, suggestions, etc., from the handlers.
BLINDNESS - It is an advantage if the judge has full use of both eyes, however, some of best-known specimens manage to get by without any apparent eyesight at all and, as this does not seem to hinder their careers in the least, perhaps sight requirements are due to be revised and excluded from the standard.
DISQUALIFYING FAULTS - Judges who whoop, holler and point, or who laugh hysterically at an exhibitor entering the ring with a particularly poor specimen should be disqualified. Likewise, a judge who delays proceedings while handlers make checks out to him in the ring is not permitted to participate further. Any judge who attacks a handler in the ring is warned three times in writing after which he must be dismissed.
Pet vs. Show
Pet dogs shed...show dogs blow coat.
Pet dogs are in heat...show dogs come into season
Pet dogs trot...show dogs gait
Pet dogs stand...show dogs stack
Pet dogs get a bath...show dogs are groomed
Pet dogs beg for treats...show dogs bait
Pet dogs raid the garbage...obedience dogs show a natural tendency for scent
articles
Pet dogs jump the fence...obedience dogs demonstrate natural jumping ability
Pet dogs poop...obedience dogs do their business
Pet dogs bark at other dogs...obedience dogs show excitement
DOG WORLD IN TURMOIL - JUDGE CHARGED
The Dog world was thrown further in to turmoil today as it came to light that a prominent Dog Judge has been alleged to have displayed a high degree of independence and awarded a Best In Show to a dog handled by a "non face" exhibitor. It is also alleged that the dog had not been prominently advertised and was indeed a much-loved family pet and only "part time" show dog.
The Judge, who cannot be named, said he will strongly defend these scurrilous charges and has appointed Mr. Lionel Hutz from Legal, Eagle, Beagle and Briefcase Ltd to defend the matter. In a statement to the media, Mr. Hutz said that he thought that although the Judge had been a little indiscreet in his actions the defense would rely heavily on a technicality within the rules of dog showing, that being the interpretation that the best dog exhibited on the day should indeed win. The statement by Mr. Hutz caused a flurry of activity within the ranks of the unnamed Canine body as they went through all old records and statute books to find if such a rule had ever existed.
In a statement for the un named canine body, a Very Important person who may also be a member of a Board said that the role of a Judge is to uphold the traditions of dog showing and not allow such basic and indiscriminate errors to occur. The matter would not be heard under the internal rules of any un-named Canine body but would be referred to the highest and most expensive court available. It is believed that the case could be settled within 2 years and costs should be no more than $250,000.
The swift action taken against this renegade Judge should prove to exhibitors that despite the attempts of a few rabble rousers and dissidents within the ranks of Judges that all was well and that they should not concern themselves with this or any other rumors concerning the financial solvency or management of the Dog fraternity. More new as it becomes available .
What Those Titles Really Mean
AD (attention deficit)
ARB (ace refrigerator bandit)
BW (butt wagger)
BWX (butt wagger excellent)
CC (cat - courser)
CCX (cat - courser excellent)
CP (couch potato)
CPX (couch potato excellent)
CSX (counter surfer extraordinaire)
GFIY (go fetch it yourself)
HHP (House Hold Pet)
IDDI (I didn't do it)
ILF (I like food)
ILLF (I like lots of food)
IWFF (I work for food)
LD (lap dog)
LDX (lap dog excellent)
OWTH (Oh, What The Heck)
TBF (thick but friendly)
TGS (terribly good snorer)
TGAN (terribly good at nothing)
TSIM (that seat is mine)
TTIM (that toy is mine)
UNCD (under the covers dog)
UNCDX (under the covers dog excellent )
WM (who me?)
The Unwritten Rules of Dog Showing
1. After trying forever to obtain that elusive second major, you have no problem getting the third major the next day.
2. The novice people that enter every show and always show up even if the breed judging is at 8 am and the show is a six hour drive will not show up when the count is exactly a major. Or if they do, the dog that finished yesterday will be moved up and break the major anyway.
3. If you attempt to build a major, one of the extras will win, never the dog the major was worked around.
4. The day you don't take an umbrella or raincoat to the show because the weather is beautiful at your house, is the day it is raining (or snowing) at the outdoor show site.
5. Although all dog shows have lots of vendors, the day you forget the tack box is the day there are NO vendors on the premises selling show leads.
6. If you go to the trouble of checking out of the hotel before leaving for the show, you will not win the breed. If you don't check out, you will win the breed, and there will be no time to do so before groups.
7. Your national will always be scheduled so that you are forced to move your immature puppy up, by just a few days.
8. Your dog will decide to completely blow coat just after entries close for the national, which you have already committed major bucks to attend.
9. If you are showing dogs in two different breeds that have the same judge, it is inevitable that one breed will be the first one in at 8:00 am, and the other will be the last one of the day at 2:30 p.m.
10. The day you say, "If Rover doesn't win today, this will be his last show and I'm putting him in a pet home" will be the day he wins a four point major. (After which, of course, the waiting list of pet homes disappears and he never gets another point.)
11. And of course we all know about the puppy we sold as a pet with a spay/neuter contract. And his littermate that we kept as a show prospect.
12. If your dog does better behind other dogs, you will draw the first place number and the judge will insist on catalog order.
13. If your dog does better at the front of the line, the judge will allow you to line up in any order and someone will beat you to the first spot.
14. If the judge is requiring the dogs to be shown in catalog order, your male special will be sandwiched in between two bitches in full standing season. If you are showing a bitch special in season, she will be the only girl in a ring full of attractive males. (And if you decide to leave your special home because he or she has gone boy/girl crazy, none of the other specials entered will show up.)
15. The judge you didn't enter under because he/she hates your dog will draw an overload and your breed will be given to a judge who loves your dog.
16. Whenever a premium list includes a group judge that loves your special the breed judge will be the one who told you to neuter it and put it in a pet home. (But if you don't enter, remember that rule 16 applies).
17. A particular judge will ALWAYS put the Winners Dog up for Best of
18. Winners, unless YOUR dog goes WD and there is only a major in bitches.
19. If you enter a small show where there are normally no specials or only one, three of the top ten dogs will be flown in from all over the country.
20. If you do win an easy breed at a small show in Podunk Nowhere, you will then learn that a dozen top dogs and professional handlers have flown in from the farthest corners of the country, and every one of them will show up in YOUR group.
21. If you win the group, you will discover that the BIS judge's
favorite dog, who is the all time top winning dog in its breed, has just won
it's group, and the BIS judge has recently given it a BISS.
HAPPY SHOWING
A Heavenly Dog Show
One day in Heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the kennels watching the dogs lie around. The three of them were bored and decided to have a dog show, thought the idea was great, except for one small detail - who to compete against. The trio pondered for a moment when Peter realized the answer, "We'll call up Satan and invite him to the dog show. We have all of the finest dogs here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His kennels are filled up with all the spoiled, difficult and mean dogs. We are certain to win at the show".
So the trio calls up Satan and invite him to their dog show. Satan laughed and asked them why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.
Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean, Satan, - We have all the World and National Champion dogs in our kennels in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"
Satan paused a moment and then laughed, "Have you forgotten so soon, gentlemen, I have all the judges!"
Smiley's Golden Pages Quick Index
Or if you Prefer a site index