THOUGHTS ON ADOPTION REUNION
Alex Haley
Adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents need to be prepared for the overwhelming emotions of reunion. It has been described repeatedly as a roller coaster ride. One birthmother even described it as 'jumping from cliff to cliff.' It's a very complex relationship, more so than any other. All three parties involved in the triad have experienced a loss. Many adoptive parents experienced the heartbreak of infertility, the birth mother lived through the tragic loss of her child, and the adoptee's first primal bond was broken. Unless one has experienced being one of the three, the complexity is difficult to absorb.
So how do you learn to deal with the frightening, exhilarating, new feelings a reunion brings about? It's my hope that my experience can prove helpful to anyone who might read this going in to a reunion.
I am part of a wonderful mail list online made up of some 200 people, all affected in some way by adoption. We are primarily birthmoms and adoptees, but we also have birthfathers, adoptive parents and other relatives and friends. Some are reunited, some not. So maybe you're the type that doesn't exactly believe in publicly airing your private thoughts? So am I! But my first online encounter with another birth mother (actually, I prefer the term first mothers) was amazing, having never talked to another one -- there are thousands of us. And you don't have to 'say' anything on the list. You can listen and learn.
Exchanges with the adoptees on the list have been the most helpful to me in trying to understand what my birth daughter might be going through. There's a link below to get more information on this mail list, and there are other birthmother only and adoptee only lists.
There is also a wealth of information available to read about this experience that can be of great assistance. I came into my reunion completely uneducated and unprepared, and have suffered as a result. Many have been through it before, and we can gain from their collective experience, and avoid reinventing the proverbial wheel. Here's a link to a friend's page that shows the 5 stages of reunion, as described in the book, "Birthright", by Jean Strauss. I don't know of one reunion that hasn't gone through all of these stages to varying degrees. Five Stages of Reunion
And what about the adoptive parents? From the moment they saw and held this precious gift they felt the child was their own. They were told the birthparents were forever out of the picture, and in recent years, that has certainly changed. We first moms don't want to take that child back. The love for mom and dad won't stop. Nothing will change, and in fact, history has shown that most adoptee/adoptive parent bonds are strengthened by going through this process together. Many adoptive parents have helped in the search, some even keeping baby books for the day their child grows up and reunites, to give to the birthmother.
The adoptee IS their child and always will be, and they need not fear a loss when their child becomes an adult and wants to search for their roots. In fact, their child will likely become more complete in the finding. The first bond the adoptee ever knew was broken, and part of them will always at least wonder about their origins. They will want to know who they are -- what nationality, what genetic traits they have. It has been described by many adoptees as a search for who they are -- the circumtances of their birth -- and is totally apart from their feelings for the parents who raised them. Many have said that until they found their roots, they didn't feel as if they had been born. In reality, adoptees have two mothers and two fathers, but only one set of parents!
We first moms want to know that child has been raised with love. This is what we wanted for them when we gave them to be adopted. If, as time goes on, a relationship is forged with this adult adoptee, that is a natural progression, given both parties wanting it. We love our children just as any mother loves their offspring, virtually sight unseen, yet we know that we are their birth or first mother, not their parent.
It bothers me that many adoptive parents can't grasp that their children have room in their hearts for their birth families, but I've never walked in their shoes. I believe it is seen as betrayal. This is so hard on the adoptee who is naturally curious. A sermon by a Catholic priest a few years back sums up pretty much my feelings on this subject Open . There is an excellent book on this subject, called 'Courageous Blessing,' written by an adoptee, which has helped many adoptive parents to finally understand the need for the adult adoptee to search for his or her birthfamily. Here is a reading list I've compiled of the books most people I've talked with have found to be the most helpful. Reading List
Years ago, adoption was cloaked in secrecy and shame, records were sealed forever, and babies were taken from their young, unmarried mothers' arms, without the mothers OR their adult parents being made aware of their own rights. This was society's norm. Each of us first moms signed away the most precious gift we had to give, and never even got a receipt! Things are different now, and most adoptions are open, but the pain the secrets and lies caused lives on. By the way, if you are touched by adoption and want to see a couple of neat movies on the subject, I recommend 'Secrets and Lies' (a GREAT movie) and 'Immediate Family,' which portrays open adoption.
We've come a long way, but changes still need to be made. It is my strong feeling that adoption should be implemented only when all other resources have failed. It breaks the strongest natural bond there is - mother and child. Of course there are instances where the child must be placed if emotional or physical harm exists in their environment. But a young girl or woman who finds herself pregnant in today's world would do well to consider keeping the child in the extended family environment. In some countries, no word for adoption exists in their language as the child is simply incorporated into the extended family structure. In any event, I feel passionately that closed adoptions are detrimental to both mother and child in the long run -- open adoptions are far preferable. It breaks my heart that closed adoptions still take place today.
International Soundex Reunion Registry The first place you should register to begin your search!
Lost and Found An online support group for any touched by adoption - JOIN US!!!
Bastard Nation The source for information on adoption rights and issues
K'sBmom Open Adoption Page A good source for those considering or in an open adoption
Shea's Search Series The BEST source for searching on the web, this time from an adoptee's viewpoint
Sunflower Birthmoms Another excellent source for searching
Terminally ill adoptees also have their rights violated through the sealed records system
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