My Road to Healing Unless someone has lost a baby or child, they will *never* understand our intense pain. It is indescribable. It brings you to the lowest point you will ever be in your life. I felt like dying--I truly did not care about anything or anyone when Alyssa died. I wanted to be dead, I mean, after all, a very big piece of me died with her anyway. I didn't know how I would endure this grief. People told me that time would help--it was true. It did help, but it didn't erase the pain. That is still there to this day and it won't go away. I am reminded of Alyssa every single time I look at a child, no matter what age, but especially when I see little girls who are the age Alyssa would have or should have been. And of course, when I see her sister, Vanessa, my heart breaks--I was allowed to keep her, but not her big sister. It was not fair that she died...and the anger continues to burn inside my heart. She was a beautiful, perfect little girl who was supposed to stay with me and her family. I don't cry as much now as I did in the beginning of this journey. I can look at Alyssa's pictures with pride and happiness and although I still cry, I allow myself to smile and enjoy simple pleasures once again.(although when her birth and death dates come around, it hits me all over again and sometimes I feel right back at square one as though it all just happened yesterday.) I have done a lot of reading, researching, and talking to other moms who have gone through this, but of all the things I have come across, nothing helped me as much as my faith. I believe that Alyssa will be resurrected back to life one day and I will see her again. My beliefs are not that she is in heaven as an angel, but that she is simply sleeping. She'll awake in a beautiful paradise and be reunited with me and the rest of her family. My spiritual beliefs may differ from the "norm", but they mean everything to me and I am so thankful to have found this knowledge and that I can be at peace in my heart and mind, knowing that God will give her back to me when he is ready. There is an article that comforted me more than anything and explains this further. It is called, "When Someone You Love Dies". It is filled with experiences of other grieving parents and families who felt the same way I did after losing Alyssa. It tells how we can see our babies again and it gives a beautiful hope for the future. It truly encouraged me so much. If you are having a difficult time believing that God took your baby away and/or can't find it acceptable that heaven needed another angel, please read the following: When Someone You Love Dies I wish your heart continues to heal and you find peace and comfort in the memories of your beautiful child(ren). All my love and healing thoughts, Christi