(voice over) Number ninety-seven; a radio.
voice on radio: And now the BBC is proud to present a brand new radio drama series: The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots. Part One: The Beginning.
(music)
man's voice: Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?
woman's voice: I am!
(sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied by screaming from the woman.)
(music fades up and out)
voice: Stay tuned for part two of the Radio Four Production of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots", coming up...almost immediately.
(music)
(sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman screaming. Suddenly it is silent.)
man's voice: I think she's dead.
woman's voice: No I'm not!
(sounds of physical harm and screaming start again.)
(music fades up and out)
voice: that was episode two of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots", specially adapted for radio by Gracie Fields and Joe Frazier. And now, Radio Four will explode.
(music)
the radio explodes.
two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it explodes. One looks at the other:
1: We'll have to watch Telly-vision!
2: Yes.
(they turn the couch so it's facing the television. One turns the television on, and they sit down. There's a small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)
1: Well, what's on the television then?
2: It looks like a penguin.
1: No, no, no, I didn't mean what was on the television set, I meant what programme?
2: Oh.
(the set is taking a while to warm up; there is no picture yet. During this pause the following conversation takes place)
2: Funny that penguin being there id'nit
1: What's it doin' there?
2: Standing.
1: I can see that!
2: If it lays an egg it will fall down the back of the Television set.
1: We'll have to watch that (pause). Unless it's a male.
2: Ooh, I never thought of that.
1: Yes, looks fairly butch.
2: Perhaps it comes from next door.
1: Penguins don't come from next door, they come from the Antarctic.
2: BURMA! (sound of a tea spoon being dropped into a tea cup)
1: Why did you say Burma?
2: I panicked.
1: Oh. Perhaps it's from the Zoo.
2: Which zoo?
1: How should I know which zoo? I'm not Dr. Bloody Bronowski!!
2: How does Dr. Bronowski know which zoo it came from?
1: He know everything!
2: Oh, I wouldn't like that, it would take the mystery out of life. Anyway if it was from the zoo it would have 'Property of the Zoo' stamped on it!
1: No it wouldn't, they don't stamp animals 'Property of the Zoo'!!! You couldn't stamp a huge lion.
2: They stamp them when they're small.
1: What happens when they moult?
2: Lions don't moult!
1: No, but penguins do. There, I've run rings around you logically.
2: OH, INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!
(the television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)
man: And now the penguin on top of your television set will explode.
(the penguin explodes)
1: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!
man: it was an educated guess. And now:
voice over: Number ninety-eight: the nape of the neck.