RATING: PG
COUPLING: Buffy/Riley Willow/Graham
SUMMARY: A/U - Riley has left Buffy, and this is 10 years into the future.
DISCLAIMER: All BtVS characters belong to the wonderfully talented mind of Joss Whedon. However I do own Riley's daughters and Sam the nanny, Nicole and Steve Bishop.
FEEDBACK: Pretty pretty please! I really hate to beg, but will .
SPOILERS: All of Season 5, and my own little universe.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Ladies and gentleman please put your hands together for our wonderful Beta reader, Anne-Marie!! To all the wonderful authors out there who inspire us - Ace, Sam, Amy, Jesmin, Ginger, Holli, Nicole- thank you for challenging us everyday. Thank everyone who finds the time to send us feedback!
"Buffy," Riley whispered, rubbing her back.
"Come on sweetheart, time to walk up," he said caressing the side of her face.
"What time is it?" She mumbled as she rolled closer to him, seeking his warmth.
"It's six o’clock. The kids will be up soon and we don't want them finding us here."
"Hmmm, your right," Buffy agreed throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him passionately.
"You know, I could stay here all day," Riley said running his hand down her arm.
"So could I, but unfortunately we have the kids to worry about."
"Unfortunately," he sighed, kissing her again.
"Help me find my dress and I'll help you clean up," Buffy said and watched as his eyes looked around the room. Some time during their night of passion the champagne bucket and it's contents had gotten knocked all over the carpet.
"We did make a bit of a mess," Riley said ruefully as he picked up the champagne flute.
"I don’t think champagne stains, baby," Buffy smiled as she watched him flip back the blanket and get to his feet. Reaching out she ran her hand up his leg and cupped his ass.
"I love watching your ass,’ she said running her nails down the cheek.
"Hey!" He laughed pulling away from her, "That tickles!"
"Just marking my territory," Buffy smirked up at him.
"Don't worry, I think everyone in the room got the message loud and clear last night," he said throwing her his tuxedo shirt. "Here put this on."
"Do you see my dress?" She asked pulling on his shirt.
"Under the Christmas tree," he replied as he pulled up the zipper of his pants. "Right under the branch where my boxers are hanging."
"Oh I do have good aim, don't I?" Buffy giggled as she got to her feet and started looking for her bra and panties.
"Most definitely," Riley said admiring her bent over form.
"Honey, you better get up stairs before you run into someone dressed like that. I'd hate to have to explain it anyone just yet," Riley told her as he handed her the dress.
"Give me the rest of your tux and I'll drop it off in your room," Buffy said reaching for the dress and boxers he held in his hand.
"No keep it. It'll give me a good excuse to come see you later," he said pulling her into his arms for a good bye kiss.
"Who said I'll want to see you ?" She teased as she kissed the tender spot behind his ear.
"Oh, after last night I know you'll want to see me," Riley growled, trembling as she blew on the wet spot she'd just kissed.
"You're pretty sure of your self, aren't you Mr. Finn?" Buffy said but her words were broke off with a gasp as his fingers slipped between her legs.
"Yup," he smirked as he saw her close her eyes and she took a deep breath.
Hearing something in the distance that sounded like little people awake upstairs, Riley pulled his fingers out of her slowly, smiling as he heard her moan at the loss. Kissing her softly on the forehead, Riley turned her towards the doorway of the den.
"Go before I rip that shirt off and have my wicked way with you."
"Oh promises, promises," Buffy giggled as she bent over to retreive his tuxedo jacket off the floor and flounced out of the room leaving a very frustrated Riley behind her.
The next few days at the Finn house were happy and full of the holiday spirit. Between last minute Christmas shopping and grocery shopping for the arrival of their guests, the house was a hive of activity. Riley and Graham, being the brave souls that they were, took all the kids shopping with them one afternoon, which allowed Buffy and Willow time to finish wrapping their own gifts. Secrets also abounded in the large house as everytime Buffy entered a room the conversation between Riley and the children would stop instantly. She knew it was about her Christmas gifts, that much Tristan had told her before her sisters had managed to close her mouth. The poor little girl was having a really hard time keep the secret and it was clear how excited she was about the gift.
Buffy was placing the last of her gifts under the tree when one of the security agents came looking for her.
"Excuse me, Buffy?" a young agent asked as she looked around the den.
"Yeah Phil, right here," Buffy said, crawling out from the back of the tree on her hands and knees.
"Buffy, there's a young woman at the front gate who claims to be your sister," the young agent told her.
"My sister?" Buffy asked, springing to her feet.
"Yes, she has i.d. that says she's Dawn Summers, but since Riley wants us to be extra careful… and since she's not on the list…'
"Not a problem Phil, it sounds enough like my sister that it probably is her. I'll come take a look," Buffy replied following the woman down the hall. Dawn Summers was an unpredictable creature and as a reporter for Rolling Stone Magazine, she traveled a great deal so no one was ever really sure when Dawn would drop into their lives.
"Thanks Buffy."
Entering the security room off of the kitchen, Buffy squinted at the television screen. There on camera was her world-weary younger sister.
"That's her. Can you ask one of the guys to drive her up?" Buffy asked, leaving the kitchen and heading to the front door.
Heading down the hallway, she met Riley coming out of his office. Since their night under the Christmas tree the two had taken every opportunity they could to be alone.
"So you wanna join me in my office? We could lock the door," he said scooping her into his arms.
"Down tiger. Dawn just turned up," Buffy said taking him by the hand and leading him to the front door.
"Wait, we're supposed to pick her up in Chicago on Thursday on our way back from picking everyone else up in California," Riley said tugging on Buffy's arm so she'd stop.
"Look with my sister you never know when she’ll drop in," Buffy said reaching up to kiss his cheek.
"She sounds like Marc," Riley sighed, thinking of his youngest brother who, much like Dawn, had a tendency to drop out of thin air at any moment.
"Free spirit eh?" Buffy commented as she pulled open the front door.
"Totally. Sometimes I'm surprised that he can manage to hold himself together enough to run the office up in Toronto, but he's grown up," Riley replied, slipping his arms around Buffy's waist and watching as the black Suburban came up the driveway.
"Sounds just like Dawn," Buffy leaned back against Riley seeking the warmth his body gave her.
As the truck came to a stop, the back door burst open and out bounced a beautiful young woman dressed in jeans and a down parka.
"Where's Riley?" She called racing to the front door of the house. Pushing Buffy out of the way she jumped up into Riley's arms.
Riley was absolutely shocked by whirlwind he held in his arms, her slim legs wrapped around his waist. Gone was the cute little 14 year old he'd left behind and in it's place was a hip, cool, beautiful and confident 24 year old. Just as he was adjusting to her hugging him, she leaned back and punched him hard in the upper arm.
"Ow! What's that for?" Riley gasped, as the little brunette looked him in the eye, glaring angrily.
"For leaving! How dare you leave and not say good-bye! I thought I meant more to you than that," Dawn cried indignantly. As happy as she was to see her sister's ex-boyfriend, Dawn had issues of her own when it came to Riley. She'd finally allowed him into her life, and like her father, Riley had walked away from them. Dawn had grown to trust and love Riley, thinking of him as her big brother. So when he left Buffy and Sunnydale, he'd left her as well.
"Dawn!" Buffy snapped, surprised by Dawn's outburst. Although Buffy knew Dawn had been upset when Riley left, the anger she'd just attacked Riley with seemed extreme.
Riley looked at Buffy and shook his head no, as he pulled Dawn tight to him. Turning away from the door, he walked into the living room still holding Dawn close to his heart. Holding this petite woman reminded him of holding Jordan, especially since Dawn wasn't much bigger. He knew that 10 years ago his leaving had hurt Dawn as much as it had hurt her sister because the relationship that had developed between the two of them was special. Riley had never had a little sister and with Dawn he felt he had one. It had been hard for him to think that Buffy hadn't loved him at the time, but Dawn's offer of friendship that day in the park had been his one saving grace.
"You did mean a lot to me Dawn, and it hurt to leave both you and Buffy behind but at the time, leaving was the only thing that made sense for me. Dawn, I'm sorry I hurt you so much, I wasn't thinking and the only pain I saw or felt was my own."
"But you sent us nothing!" she whispered. "I didn't know where you were or if you were okay. I needed you!"
"I’m so sorry Dawn, I'm so very sorry," Riley sighed and realized for the first time how much he'd missed the youngest Summers girl.
Buffy stood in the doorway watching the two of them together. She had known that Dawn had missed Riley after he'd left, but the depth of her sister's pain startled her. There were actions and words over the years that now made complete sense to Buffy, like all the times Buffy had tried to contact Riley with her mother's encouragement it had always been Dawn that warned her not to. Dawn had insisted that she couldn't trust Riley and he'd only hurt her again when what Dawn meant was that she couldn't trust him and believed he'd hurt her again. Buffy's heart went out to her younger sister, for she knew the pain of being left behind by Riley Finn.
"Mom! Did I hear Dawn?" Evan called coming down the stairs with the Finn girls hard on his heels.
"She's visiting with your Dad right now Evan. Let’s go get some cookies and milk and you can see her in a bit," Buffy said, trying to head off her son from entering the living room.
"Did I hear Evan?" a decidedly cheerful voice called from the living room. Just as quick as she'd dissolved into tears, Dawn scrambled out of Riley's arms to hug her nephew. The two shared a weird relationship in that they were more like siblings than aunt and nephew.
"I've so missed you!" Dawn cried hugging the little boy in her arms. Dawn choked back a sob as she felt how skinny Evan had grown since her last visit to LA.
"Me too! I've saved all your articles though," he told squeezing her back.
"So are you going to introduce me to your new sisters, or do I have to let your Dad do it?" Dawn asked as she looked over his head at the three inquisitive faces staring at her.
"Oh! Let me!" Evan said releasing his aunt to stand next to his sisters.
"Well get on with it then!" Dawn laughed at Evan's obvious excitement. Since he'd been diagnosed with Leukemia, it seemed like he'd had all the life sucked out of him. The little boy standing in front of her reminded her of the nephew she had had before the illness.
Buffy and Riley looked at each other and fought to keep their own laughter under control as Evan presented his sisters to his aunt.
"Aunt Dawn this is Jordan, Hope and Tristan Finn, my sisters," he said indicating each sister with his out stretched arm. He turned to the girls and pointed at Dawn,
"And this is my favorite aunt, Dawn."
"The one that meet the 'Teenage Allstars'? That's so cool!" Jordan gushed, beyond excited that the woman standing before her had met her favorite boy band.
"Yeah, and their much cuter in person. Hey now that you're sort of like my nieces, I'll see what I can do about taking you to meet them sometime," Dawn said looking down at the young girl who could have been Evan's twin.
"Can we?" Jordan asked, looking excitedly at her father.
"I don't think Dawn meant now Jordan," Riley replied walking to stand with Buffy and Dawn.
"Why don't you guys go find your Aunt Willow and let her know Dawn's here," Buffy suggested, wanting a minute alone with her baby sister.
"Okay!" The four children screamed in unison as they raced out of the room leaving the three adults standing in the living room staring at each other.
"Why don't I take Dawn's bags up to the guest room until Sam leaves tomorrow," Riley said preparing to leave the two women alone together.
"Thank you," Buffy said softly, reaching out to touch his arm.
"For you anything," he replied just as softly and kissing her lightly on the lips.
"So the two of you are together again," Dawn said after Riley exited the room.
"Yes we are. We love each other Dawn," Buffy said, a note of warning in her voice. She wasn’t sure what Dawn's reaction would be to this new turn of events.
"That's good. You two belong together," she assured her sister with a smile.
Silence fell over the room and the two continued to appraise each other carefully. It was Buffy, who finally broke the silence,
"Mom told me that they were picking you up on the way from California on Thursday."
"Well I had an interview that I should have done after Christmas moved up. I wanted to be here for Evan's surgery. I didn't think my arriving early would be a problem," Dawn said flopping on the couch. "By the way what's with the third degree out there?"
"Willow's stalker has been active in LA," Buffy replied moving to sit next to Dawn.
"As nasty as this may sound, I'm glad it wasn’t you that received the death threat again," Dawn said looking at Buffy carefully as she sat down.
"Look let's not get into that," Buffy said pushing the subject aside quickly.
"But…"
"I don't want to talk about it, Dawn. Those threats weren't real, not like the ones that Willow has been getting," Buffy said, cutting Dawn off.
"Lindsay and Angel took it seriously."
"They worry like a couple of old ladies," Buffy retorted sharply and shrugged her shoulders. "It’s what I get for going up against Wolfram and Hart, you know that."
"Oh so being a lawyer means…"
"Look drop the subject okay. I don't want Riley finding out," Buffy said, glancing toward the hallway where she could hear Riley's voice.
"He doesn't know?" Dawn gasped.
"Know what?" Riley asked, coming into the room with Willow and Graham
"Dawnie!" Willow yelled.
"Wills!" Dawn hollered back as the women crashed into each other.
"Your foot?"
"When Riley offers his arm and tells you it's icy, take what’s offered," Willow replied sheepishly, looking at Riley.
"Just trying to be a gentleman," Riley said as he crossed the room to join Buffy on the couch.
Buffy wondered how much of the conversation he'd heard, but by the way he'd dropped the subject it didn't appear that he had heard much or maybe he thought it was nothing serious. Buffy hoped it was the latter.
"So Dawn, who's being put under the microscope this time around?" Willow asked and smiled, knowing that Dawn's reputation as tough reporter had earned her the right to be called part of the new breed in journalism. She had no mercy when covering anything that Rolling Stone threw her way, whether it was touring with some squeaky clean pre-fab boy band or slamming the government for cutting education funding. At 24, Dawn Summers was force to be reckoned with.
"Just some old rock band that's back on the road touring again," she answered, trying to hide her smirk.
"C’mon Dawn, who?" Graham asked trying to figure out which band she could be talking about.
"U2," she said as nonchalantly as she could. Dawn studied her nails absently, trying to pretend that it hadn’t been the biggest thrill for her to hang out with the band for the last leg of their tour.
"You interviewed U2?" Graham demanded his eyes as big as saucers. it reminded Willow of Jordan's eyes earlier when she'd hung on Dawn’s every word about her favorite band.
"Yeah," she sighed. Dawn wasn't sure how much longer she could play being uninterested. The truth was that U2 had been one of her favorite bands since she was a teenager and it had been a pretty plum assignment.
"You hung out with Bono and the Edge, and it doesn't seem to faze you at all! Are you for real?" Graham said awed at the young woman in front of him.
"Don't believe her for a minute Graham. Growing up, Dawn ran away to LA to see them in concert," Buffy said. She knew that her sister was not cool about this. Not by a long shot!
"Yeah and I ended up grounded for the rest of the summer, but it was so worth it!" she giggled.
"So how was it?" Graham asked, sitting on the edge of the couch.
"So cool! I mean I had to keep reminding myself that I was there to do a job, not be some silly giggling fan. When I get the proofs from the photo shoot, I'll show you. It’ll blow your mind!"
This common bond with Graham seemed to erase all the doubt she had about this new man in Willow's life. Dawn had decided that Willow and Graham were perfect together, and if anyone stood against them they'd have to deal with her, including Xander.
For the next hour, the four of them sat in the den listening to Dawn talk about her experiences on the road with a series of bands. Buffy enjoyed the evening with her sister and wondered why the two of them didn't spend more evenings like this. Watching Graham and Dawn bond, she just wished Riley could be there with them, but business had pulled him away. After dinner a long distance call from the Vatican had forced Riley to excuse himself for the rest of the evening. Graham had offered to go with him, but he had insisted that Graham stay and keep the girls company. Buffy knew that something had been eating at Riley most of the day, but he'd told her she was being ridiculous and he was just a little cranky.
"As much fun as I'm having entertaining you all, I need to go to bed," Dawn said, stretching and yawning.
"Want me to go up and help you settle in?" Buffy asked placing an arm around Dawn's shoulder.
"Buffy, I've traveled the world, lugging my suitcases through shit and slept in places I wouldn't wish on Spike, and you ask me if I want you to tuck me in?" Dawn said, laughing at her sister.
"Hey, it's not everyday my baby sister comes home," Buffy retorted a little defensively as she gave Dawn a squeeze.
"And you wonder why?" Willow said raising an eyebrow at Buffy.
"Okay, point taken. Am I mothering?" Buffy said sheepishly.
"Beside the only person who's tucked me in, during the last 10 years was some rock star that I don't want to discuss with you now," Dawn said standing up
"What?" Buffy demanded, trying to remind herself that she wasn't Dawn's mother, and that Dawn wasn't a little kid anymore.
"Good night all," Dawn grinned impishly at her sister’s shocked expression, waved and flounced out of the room.
The truth was Dawn wasn't tired, she just wanted to talk to Riley privately for awhile if he was free. Heading down the hall she stopped to look at the Finn photo gallery. She had often wondered what Riley's life had been like since he'd left them all those years ago. When she reached Riley's office, she noticed the door was open but that the lights were off. She wondered where he was as she stepped into the darkened room. As her eyes adjusted to the dim light she could se him sitting alone behind his desk, staring out the window.
"Riley?"
Turning toward the voice that had interrupted his thoughts, Riley saw Dawn standing in the doorway.
"Dawn?" Riley asked, startled by the intrusion.
"Do you have a couple of minutes?"
"For you? Sure," he said using the remote to turn the room's lights on.
"Wow you sure have this place wired, don’t you?" Dawn asked, blinking away the sudden pain that the bright light caused.
"One of the perks of the house. Have a seat," Riley said getting up from the desk to meet her at the couch.
"Look Riley, I wanted to apologize for what I said this afternoon. I… it was out of line," Dawn said looking out the window behind Riley as she was unable to look him in the eye.
"Dawn, you don’t need to apologize, it’s o…"
"No it’s not okay. I said some horrible, selfish things to you earlier and I want to apologize," she said quickly, interrupting him.
"Honey, you had your reasons for saying what you said and I don’t hold them against you. Dawn, I know my leaving hurt a lot of people and I don’t take that lightly."
"But I know that I hurt you and I hate seeing that look in your eyes! I don’t want you so mad or hurt that you’d walk away again."
Riley took both Dawn’s hands in his and looked her deep in the eye.
"There’s nothing, short of death, that will tear me out of your sister’s life, Dawn. I will never leave her or my son again."
"I don’t think any of us could take losing you again," she said hugging Riley.
"Me neither."
"So why have you been hiding then all night?"
"I haven’t been hiding, I was on a conference call," Riley said trying to defend himself.
"And you were sitting in the dark because there was a slide show?"
"Okay, maybe I was just doing some thinking," Riley said, blushing slightly.
"About?"
"Facing everyone on Thursday. After your reaction this afternoon, I know that not everyone is going to be as happy to see me as Buffy and Willow were," Riley sighed. He knew he was going to have his hands full with Angel’s arrival and was somewhat pleased that Lindsey had decided not to make the trip as well.
"Your right, not everyone’s going to throw their arms around you and thank you for helping Evan. There are still some hard feelings lingering about."
"I’m ready for that," Riley said bracing himself. Seeing Buffy’s family again was going to be interesting if nothing else.
"Riley look, I’m sure there’s lots that Buffy hasn’t told you."
"What do you mean?"
Dawn looked at Riley then at the door behind them, making sure her older sister wasn’t lurking there.
"Knowing Buffy, she’s probably left a lot out of her life for the last 10 years."
"Dawn, you’ve always been honest with me in the past, so I need you to answer this for me, do I need to know what she hasn’t told me?" Riley asked, feeling his stomach clench as he waited for Dawn’s answer.
"I’d really like to go for a walk right about now," she replied instead.
"I could use some fresh air too. Come on let’s get out of here," Riley said, instantly understanding what Dawn wasn’t saying and leading her to the mud-room off of the kitchen where their boots were kept.
Within 5 minutes they were outside under the winter moon. It was a beautiful night, quiet but bright and as their boots crunched through the snow Riley offered his hand to Dawn as she followed his lead through the property. Having him holding her hand made her feel safe, safe to discuss the darkest period of the Summers family history. Dawn hadn’t really thought about those first few months after Riley had left in a long time. The pain and betrayal that they all felt had been too raw and real for a long time after, so it wasn’t discussed and he wasn’t mentioned. It wasn’t until Buffy decided Evan had the right to know about his father that Riley’s name had been spoken again freely. Now here with the man, Dawn wondered how she’d tell Riley all that he was asking her. How could she tell Riley all she knew without destroying the new relationship that existed between her older sister and Riley?
"God it's beautiful out here," Dawn said wistfully as the two walked quietly through the snow-covered grounds that lead past the stables and out to the east pasture.
"Yeah, it's like having the country in the city. It's one of the reasons I bought this place. I've spent a lot of time wandering through these pastures, thinking."
"A lot has happened to you since you left Sunnydale hasn't it?" Dawn ventured softly, afraid that if she pushed him he'd close up on her. She knew she'd have to use all her skills as a reporter to crack Riley open.
"Yeah. Boy looses girl, boy meets new girl, falls in love, has a couple kids, you know the story," he replied, knocking a pile of snow off a low hanging branch.
"That's not what I mean and you know it," Dawn said stopping suddenly and forcing Riley to do the same.
Looking at Dawn, Riley knew he couldn't continue to pull off his Mr. Tough Guy act. For some reason this young woman could always reach him where others had failed. She always knew how to get to him, how to make him react. Riley sighed.
"Yeah it's been tough, but maybe that's what I get for turning my back on my pregnant girlfriend," he said roughly. He started to walk again.
"Maybe that's what you both got for turning your back on each other," Dawn said quietly, walking behind him since her short legs couldn't carry her as fast through the snow.
"What did you say?" he said stopping so she could catch up.
"Look Riley, you can't imagine what Buffy went through after you left. The knowledge you wouldn't even let her tell you about the baby ripped her apart. She use to say that this was what she got for not telling you how much she loved you, for taking you for granted."
"I wish I'd listened to her. She tried so hard that day, and I just walked out slamming the door behind me. Hell, Graham begged me to talk to her, but I just ignored him. At the time, the last thing I wanted was to talk to Buffy. I needed to break free of the hold she had over my heart. I never did manage that though," he said thoughtfully.
"I tried to find you. She needed you, and I couldn't stand hearing her cry anymore. I needed you to save them," Dawn said stopping to look up at Riley.
"I'm sorry Dawn," he said looking down at her and then up at the stars for some sort of guidance.
"I begged the Army to help me find you. I told them I was your little sister, but they told me that your records showed that you only had brothers, no sisters and then they hung up," Dawn began to cry as she remembered the pain she felt as those words pierced her 14 year old heart. Maybe she wasn't his little sister by blood, but in her heart she was and to be so brutally rebuffed had torn her heart out.
Hearing the tears in her voice, Riley looked down at her.
"Dawn...you should have told them who you were," Riley said.
"And if I had?"
"I still wouldn't have called you back," he sighed feeling like shit. At the time Riley had needed his distance from Buffy, unfortunately with Buffy came Dawn and he needed to be away from her as well.
"We needed you, and the more we fought to find you, the further you seemed to slip out of our grasp."
"It was deep cover..." he replied lamely
"You changed your number," Dawn accused.
Quietly they continued across the meadow as each let the other's words sink in.
"Riley, she needed you. Not just because of Evan, she needed the light you brought into her life," Dawn spoke again reaching out to pull him to a stop beside her.
"Light?" He laughed, remembering that he'd brought nothing but darkness to their relationship those last few months.
"Yes your light," Dawn replied reaching out to place her slim fingers over his heart. "Your love."
Placing his own hand over Dawn's he looked down at her, and with the help of the moonlight he saw a pain in her eyes that frightened him.
"You almost lost her because of me," Riley said, realizing what it was he saw in Dawn's brown eyes.
"Yes, she tried to take an overdose of sleeping pills. She took so many it could've killed a horse or harmed the baby. If it wasn't for Angel finding her unconscious in her dorm room you wouldn’t have this opportunity to work things with Buffy let alone meet your son," Dawn said. She wrapped her arms around his waist, as if trying to seek the comfort that she'd longed for from him all those years ago.
"Buffy tried to commit suicide?" Riley mumbled to himself, feeling his knees growing weak.
"Riley are you okay?" Dawn asked as she felt him stumble slightly.
"Do you mind if we sit down? Over there... under that tree, there's a bench," he pointed to the bench that he'd had installed out here last summer, so he could watch the girls ride. Keeping her one arm around his waist, Dawn led him towards the bench and she just hoped she could get him to the bench before he fell. She couldn't imagine trying to drag him back to the house and explain to her sister what had happened.
"You’re cold," Riley said, noticing that she was shivering slightly. Dawn was still a California girl at heart and it didn't matter how long she lived on the East Coast, she'd never get used to the cold.
"I’m okay," she said through chattering teeth.
Reaching the bench, Dawn started to help him sit down when he stopped her. Riley opened up the bench seat and pulled out a wool blanket, wrapping it around Dawn so she'd stay warm.
"Don't you want some of this?" She asked, trying to pull at a corner of the blanket that he'd just wrapped her in.
"No I'm fine, just finish telling me everything," he replied tucking Dawn under his arm to keep her warm.
"So Angel found her. We we're so lucky that day, both Buffy and the baby were okay. At the hospital they had her on suicide watch and we had to make sure that for the next several weeks she was never left alone. Willow, Tara and Anya always went to class with her, Xander and Giles spent whatever time they could with her and Angel and Spike spent the nights with her. That was the worst time for her depression. She'd rattle around the house all night feeling lost and alone. She'd sit out on the back porch and think of what she had lost and the responsibility she was taking on in being an unwed mother."
Tears where flowing down Dawn's face freely now as she spoke of those dark days right after Riley had left.
"It was so hard for the first couple months, but then one day it all seemed to stop. She decided that crying over what couldn't be was wrong for the baby, and she pulled herself together. I'd still hear her crying at night but it was better. She'd talk to the baby about you, telling him that his daddy was the greatest man on earth, and not to let anyone ever misjudge his actions."
"I hurt her so bad, and all she was concerned about was me," Riley whispered, knowing indeed what a truly amazing woman Buffy was.
"Then after Evan was born, she tried that one last time to contact you. After that she just poured every ounce of love she had for you into Evan. He became her whole life. She never really dated seriously or talked about you, she just went on."
"Never?"
"Nope. We all wanted her to move on, to forget about you, but she wouldn't. Even after Angel told her you were married, she just continued living for Evan. She said to me once that there was no point in falling in love with anyone else because they'd never match up to you."
"Good God!" Riley exclaimed dropping his head to his hands. She'd placed her whole life on hold because of him.
"Riley I’m sorry to be the one to tell you these things but you have to hear this. It’s important," Dawn said rubbing his back.
"It’s okay," he said looking up. "I know that you’re right and I do need to hear about everything."
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Riley asked the question that had been bothering him most,
"So when did Lindsay enter her life?"
"About five months after you left. They met at a summer job fair at the University. He was working for Wolfram and Hart then, and they were hiring summer interns. Buffy stopped to ask him about law schools and they just hit it off. Before any of us knew it Lindsay had become Buffy's mentor," Dawn paused to take a breath. "After she graduated, she transferred to the law school at UCLA, and Lindsay never left her side again."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah. I kind of felt sorry for him. It was obvious how he felt about her, but she couldn't return any of it. She had closed her heart off to everyone accept Evan and...you."
"He loved her?" Dawn nodded her head.
"Everyone knew he was in love with her. He never left her side and people often thought the baby was his and he became the support she needed during the entire pregnancy. He went to the doctor with her and attended birthing classes along with Willow. When Buffy went into labor, Willow was her partner but Lindsay was in the waiting room. He got there before anyone else arrived."
"But I'm Evan’s father," Riley insisted. He was angry that another man had been there when he wasn’t and he knew it was irrational because it was his own fault that he wasn’t there.
"I know you are and so does Evan, but watch Lindsay. He’s still angry with you and probably always will be," Dawn warned him.
"Lindsay would try sometimes to get information from Buffy about you and why you left her. All she would tell him was that you didn't know about the baby and she had heard you'd moved on and were married."
"Christ she made me sound like some one night stand, not the guy she loved!" Riley snapped hurt at the way Buffy had described him to Lindsay.
Pulling her hand out from under the blanket, Dawn reached for Riley's hand and gave it a squeeze.
"What was she supposed to do Riley?" Dawn asked. He shrugged his shoulders and sighed.
"She loves you Riley, and I've never doubted that," Dawn continued. "Every time she looks at Evan she sees you. It’s a constant reminder of what you were in her life, of what you gave her."
"But I left her alone to raise our son! I wasn't there!" he said getting up from the bench and turning away from Dawn. He couldn't look her in the face anymore.
"Yes you did, but she didn't do it alone, she had all the help and love in the world. We may not have been you, but we all loved that little boy," Dawn said through her chattering teeth.
"God you're freezing! We should go back," he said reaching to pull her to her feet.
"NO! Not until you've heard me out Riley Finn," she said pulling him back down next to her.
"Lindsey has been an active part of your son's life, he's helped raise Evan. I remember days when he was trying to feed that poor kid. No one knew who ended up wearing the most food, Evan or Lindsey. But Lindsey used to laugh every time Evan would push the spoon away."
"That should have been me," Riley mumbled knowing the thrill he'd felt feeding Jordan for the first time.
"And Lindsey saw Evan take his first step too. Luckily he had his camera with him and he took a picture of the event."
"I'd like to see that sometime," Riley said grateful that the man had snapped an important event in Evan's life.
"But the hardest time was when Evan got sick. Telling Lindsey that there was a chance that he was going to die tore him up. Evan knew right from the beginning there was a good chance a donor couldn't be found and if it wasn't for Lindsey giving Buffy the support she needed, we don't know what would have happened. Many times the rest of us would rush to her house just to find Lindsey already there with Buffy crying on his shoulder. Lindsey even had himself tested in hopes he was a match"
"Damn, I should have been there for that! I should have been there for Evan!" Riley whispered knowing it should have been him and not Lindsey that comforted Buffy all those times.
"It was really hard for Evan when his hair fell out from the chemo. Evan's school and teammates always supported him, but you know how kids are, there’s always some bully saying something hurtful about how he looked. It was times like those that Buffy felt most helpless, because Evan didn't want his mother defending him; he wanted a father's advice. Giles was not capable of doing that and Xander tried but it was Lindsey who took him under his wing and made him feel better."
"I'm glad he could be there for him then," Riley conceded, glad that someone was there to help Evan, even if it had to be Lindsey.
"Riley, there were so many times I wished she would have called you, allowed you into Evan's life, but she kept holding out hope we'd find a match for him. She didn't want to disrupt your life. She kept saying she couldn't do that to you."
Riley's heart broke at Dawn’s words, for he realized that Buffy had done this to protect him, and his family from his past relationship. She didn't want to add pressure to his marriage, or put him in a place where he would feel obligated to help his child.
"She did this for me, didn't she?" Riley asked looking down at Dawn through his tears.
"Everything was for you Riley," Dawn said quietly. "It’s always been for you."
Dawn was starting to really shake from the cold when Riley finally broke away from Dawn’s embrace. She wasn't sure if she was holding him so tight for his benefit or her own.
"Dawn I need to ask you just one more question, and I want the honest truth. I need to know if Lindsey still loves her, and if you sister has any feelings for him at all?" Riley needed this question answered and it was an answer that neither Buffy nor Willow had been willing to give him.
"Yes, he still does and I can guarantee that Lindsey Macdonald will not be happy about you walking back into Buffy's life. He feels that he is in his rightful place in Buffy and Evan's life. And if I didn't love you as much as I do, I'd tell you to step aside and let him have it. For Evan's sake I mean. He's the closest thing to a father that Evan's ever known, and loosing that won't be easy on either of them."
Bending down Riley kissed Dawn lightly on the forehead.
"Thank you Dawn. You've told me more in one night than Buffy or Willow have dared to in one week."
"I could never lie to you, Riley. I've missed you too much to loose you again to lies and deceit."
"I love you too kiddo. Come on let's get the human Popsicle thawed out so she can go to bed," Riley said hugging her close to him as they walked back from where they'd started.
A little while later, Riley opened the door to his room and walked in. There, asleep in the middle of his king sized bed lay Buffy in her bathrobe. She was curled up in a fetal position, her hair spread across the pillow like a golden wedding veil. She looked so vulnerable, so helpless and Riley now knew how difficult her life had been during the last 10 years. A lesser woman would've been crushed by all that had happened to her. Claire had been a wonderful wife and mother and Riley had loved her deeply but Claire would never have been able to match Buffy's strength of character. Claire would have paled in comparison to the blonde goddess currently sleeping in his bed.
<God, I've behaved like such an ass to Buffy she should hate me, not love me.>
Remembering what Dawn said about Buffy's attempted suicide, he realized that she *had* almost been crushed by her life. In fact, she had wanted to kill herself twice in the last 10 years. The second time was when she found out about Evan's illness. It was his entire fault, if it hadn't been for her friends and family, she and Evan would've been dead! Buffy and Evan had needed him to be there for them and he had just walked away without looking back.
Closing the door quietly, Riley tried not to wake her.
"Riley?" she asked sleepily.
"Sorry sweetheart, go back to sleep. I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's okay, I was waiting for you anyway. Where were you?"
"Outside showing Dawn around the grounds."
"At night?"
"Yeah, both of us needed a breath of fresh air, so we went out."
Coming over to sit on the edge of the bed, Riley took hold of Buffy's little hand and kissed it.
"Buffy?"
"Yes Riley?"
"Why didn't you tell me you attempted suicide when I left?" he asked quietly.
Tears suddenly appeared in Buffy's eyes.
" I couldn’t, Riley. That’s not a period of my life I’m very proud of. It was a dark time where I couldn’t find a reason to live any longer without you," she said simply looking down at their entwined fingers.
"But why would you do something so drastic?" he said reaching out with his other hand to lift her chin so that their eyes could meet.
Seeing nothing but love and acceptance in the way Riley looked at her, Buffy wanted nothing more than to hold him close to her for eternity. Yet she knew he had a right to know what she’d been thinking of the moment she had tried swallowing those pills.
"Because I felt there was nothing left to live for, not without you. I felt like a total failure. I didn't know how to show you the love I really felt for you and… I was going to be a single mother facing a very difficult life. I thought that if I couldn’t show you the love you deserved, how could I show it to your child. Riley, at the time it seemed the easiest way to solve my problems. Luckily I had my family and the gang to fall back on. They were there constantly and they let me know I was loved and could succeed but I needed more help than that so I got some counseling. My therapist really helped me find my way again too."
Riley looked down at her hand and said quietly,
"I should have been there for you, and that’s something I’ll never be able to forgive myself for."
"No Riley, it was both our faults. It took both of us to do this, so please don’t blame yourself, please," Buffy said as she placed her palm against his cheek.
"Buffy you don't know how proud I am of you! You managed to get a full education and you raised Evan to be a young man that any father would be proud of."
"Lindsey had a lot to do with that. He encouraged me even when I felt like quitting. If it had been left to me, Evan wouldn't have had much of a male role model. Xander was away working, Giles doesn't have the patience to raise a little boy and Angel and Spike… well, you know, being undead and drinking blood isn’t something that I wanted Evan doing," she said chuckling.
"Lindsey helped you a lot didn't he?"
"I would be lying if I said no, Riley," Buffy admitted.
<Damn him! I was really hoping Dawn just said that to make me jealous.>
"Buffy, from now on I want you to tell me everything. I don't want you to think I don't love you and I won't be there for you and Evan because I will. I’ll move heaven and earth to be with you two."
"I know you will Riley. I love you."
Pulling her to him, Riley kissed her passionately.
"I love you and don't you forget it Ms. Summers."