The Song Remembers When
Chapter 44
RATING: R for language.
COUPLING: Buffy/Riley Willow/Graham
SUMMARY: A/U - Riley has left Buffy, and this is 10 years into the
future.
DISCLAIMER: All BtVS characters belong to the wonderfully talented
mind of Joss Whedon. However Karin does own Riley's daughters and Sam the
nanny, Nicole and Steve Bishop.
FEEDBACK: Pretty, pretty please! We really hate to beg, but will.
SPOILERS: All of Season 5, and our own little universe.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: 1) Thank you Amy who is Beta'ing this for us.
2) To all the wonderful authors out there who inspire us, thank you for challenging us everyday. Thank everyone who finds the time to send us feedback!
Looking up at the assistant to the Hospital Administrator, Buffy slid the last of the forms across the desk. Nervously, she drummed her fingers on the desktop. She wanted to get the transfer of billing from Riley to her completed before he found out. Originally when he’d offered to pay for the procedure, Buffy had been secretly thrilled by his offer. All her dreams had come true, her knight in shining armor would save the day, but after their fight she’d come to realize that all that sparkles isn’t necessarily gold. Riley had let her down again. Or was it she’d let him down? With all the history between them, finger pointing was useless.
"So all the forms are correct now? Everything is to be charged to my insurance company and me. I don’t want Mr. Finn even told about the hospital and doctor bills." Buffy said emphatically. Never let it be said that Buffy Summers didn’t pay her own way. She had made it this far on her own and she wasn’t about to start depending on anyone else now.
It was customary that the donor never pays any part of the procedure. That was part of the package, why should they run up high medical bills in order to save someone else’s life. The bone marrow was a gift and would remain so. No, it was always the responsibility of the patient’s family to cover all costs. The fact that the donor was a half sister and the donor’s father also happened to be the patient’s father didn’t matter in this instance.
"I understand Ms. Summers, but you know, the costs of the procedure are *quite* high and Mr. Finn did tell us to bill him."
"No, I don't want Mr. Finn to be bothered with this, is that understood? I have adequate medical coverage and you’ve already checked with my insurance company that the procedure has been pre-authorized."
"Yes, that’s true Ms. Summers, but I’m just saying, that Mr. Finn has already notified his insurance company and coverage has been granted under change of family status endorsement. Evan’s been added as a dependant and is covered under his insurance."
"And I said ‘no’! If you think I don’t have adequate coverage..." Buffy went on with her protest.
"If there's any problem with Ms. Summers’ coverage then send the bill directly to McDonald and Summers, P.A. in L.A." Buffy heard behind her. "As the firm’s president, I can guarantee any shortfall will be covered. Like Ms. Summers said, there’s no need to rely on Mr. Finn for anything, for his daughter’s bills or Evan’s."
Turning around, Buffy saw Lindsey standing in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest and a very determined look on his face.
"Lindsey, that's not necessary, I'm fully prepared..."
Lindsey raised his hand, stopping her protests. "I don’t want to hear any argument, Buffy. You and I’ve been through this before, when you started with the procedure. I consider you and Evan my family and the firm is our business, so you can call it a family business. And it’s only proper that the family business should step up to the plate in an emergency."
Walking up to her, he laid a hand gently on her shoulder. Buffy placed her hand on top of his and squeezed it gratefully, for she *was* worried about the cost but didn't want anyone to know. Financially, she’d been doing very well for herself, but things had changed with Evan’s diagnosis the year before, lately it seemed as though she was fighting a losing battle against the mounting medical bills. In her typically stubborn Buffy form, she’d politely declined both her parents and Willow’s financial help. She’d learned over the years that asking for help wasn’t a sign of weakness, so why couldn’t she bring herself to ask for help? But now with things like they were between her and Riley, she would not let him think she couldn’t financially provide for their son. Maybe somewhere in her gut she’d known this wouldn’t work, between her and Riley? And maybe that was why, before she‘d left L.A., that she had met with her banker about loan options. She‘d mortgaged her house to the hilt, but it was all worth it if it meant keeping Evan alive.
"Thank you." She answered gratefully.
Lindsey bent down and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. "Now, that that’s all been settled, how about you and I get some something to eat? You're looking pretty beat and I bet you haven't eaten anything but snack-food all day.”
"Nothing since dinner last night." Buffy admitted, standing up. Taking a step towards Lindsey, Buffy suddenly felt light-headed and started to sink to the floor. Everything before her started to spin and turn black. Lindsey caught her before she hit the ground and picked her up in his arms."
"Is there a couch somewhere I can lay her down?" Lindsey asked, turning to the administrative assistant whose desk Buffy had been sitting at.
"Yes sir, there are couches out in the main waiting room." She explained, hurrying up to show him the way.
Lindsey carefully carried Buffy out into the waiting room and laid her down on the nearest couch. He held her hand tightly while the assistant got a wash cloth from the nearest linen closet and dampened it. Buffy was starting to come around when Lindsey pressed the cloth against her temple. Buffy looked up into his face and smiled weakly.
"I guess, getting some food in me is probably a pretty good idea, huh?"
Riley had seen Lindsey skulking around and had followed him down to the Administration Office, figuring he was up to no good. He was standing some distance away when Lindsey carried Buffy out of the office and laid her on the couch. Riley saw that her skin was almost entirely drained of color and she appeared to have fainted.
"Buffy!" Riley yelled and started to walk toward the couple.
The rage and jealously once again exploded throughout his body.
Lindsey looked up angrily and hissed. "Stay back you bastard, it's probably your fault this happened. She hasn't eaten all day and that only happens when she's upset. The sooner I can get Buffy and Evan home to L.A. the better it will be for her because she can get back to her life."
"Fine! She's all yours then, McDonald." Riley snapped back, spinning on his heels and marching down the hall away from them. As soon the words were out of his mouth, he knew he could never take them back. The worst part was, however, that Buffy seemed to have heard them because she was starting to come around. Riley wanted nothing more than to race back to her and pull her into his arms and apologize for every horrible thing he'd said to her that morning, and beg her to come back home with him. But that would never happen, for a lot of what he had said to her could never be forgiven or taken back.
Reaching the end of the hall, he smashed through the door into the stairwell, taking the steps two at a time. Riley was so confused! He wanted to be with her, holding her tight in his arms, but at the same time he wanted nothing to do with her. How could he possibly have such mixed feelings? Before he knew it, he was at the top of the stairs and before him stood the door leading to the rooftop. Placing his hand on the knob, he found the door was unlocked. Pushing it open, he looked out at what appeared to be a lounge area. A young doctor stood there smoking a cigarette and looking out over the skyline.
Stepping tentatively out onto the black top, Riley let the door close behind him and felt the bitter cold Boston wind cut into his body. Okay, being out on the roof in this weather without a warm coat wasn't one of the smartest things he'd done recently, but then again it seemed like he was screwing up left, right and center.
The doctor just looked at Riley with curiosity. Only the staff knew of this lounge area and it was obvious to the doctor that the visitor wasn't a member of the staff, but for some reason the visitor looked familiar. The doctor was sure he had seen him before but wasn’t sure where.
Riley could see the questioning look on the young man's face.
"I needed to get away from the stuffiness of the waiting room and Dr. Bishop told me about this lounge area." Riley explained.
The young doctor wasn't about to question something the Chief of Staff had suggested, so he just smiled and turned back to smoking his cigarette.
Riley looked out across the city and saw the lighthouse standing in Boston Harbor. Yes, that's exactly what he wanted to see at this moment, his personal happy place. He could now relax a little and contemplate what he was going to do about his relationship with Buffy, and how to rectify it before it was too late.
For one thing, he was *sure* he wasn't going to let Lindsey McDonald walk away with Buffy on his arm, no matter how bad the situation appeared right now. Riley, first and foremost, was a soldier and a fighter. He would fight to the bitter end for those he loved, and there was no one he loved more than the woman he'd left downstairs.
Two, Riley knew Buffy had no choice but to turn to him for help to save Evan, and he wasn't about to let Evan die. If his son lost the will to live, then Riley should just start contacting a funeral home right now.
Riley prayed at every opportunity he got, asking for God's help in finding Jordan, so she could save her brother's life.
Third, Buffy would make a wonderful mother to his daughters, there was no doubt in his mind about that.
Four, Riley wanted more children and he wanted them with Buffy.
Five, Buffy made him feel happy and loved.
Six, he knew he made her feel happy and loved.
Just at that moment, his cell phone rang, breaking the mood’s tranquillity and startling both the doctor and him. Looking over, he smiled apologetically before he flipped open his phone.
"Finn." Riley snapped, turning his eyes back to the lighthouse.
*That's Riley Finn! Shit, you dumb-ass. You should’ve known, his face is plastered all over the newspapers and down in the main lobby area. He attends all of the hospital’s charity functions.* The young doctor thought, giving himself a mental slap. Here was the hospital's number one supporter out on the roof with him, and he'd blown his chance to schmooze with the multi-millionaire.
"Don't worry Marc, I'm up on the roof clearing my head." Riley smiled slightly at his brother's concern.
"Is she alright now?" Riley didn't want to ask about Buffy, but he couldn't stop himself.
"Tell her I'll meet her outside of Evan’s room and we’ll talk to Steve there. I don’t want Evan to hear anything that might upset him. The way things are between Buffy and I.... Yeah, I hear ya. Look Marc, we’ve agreed to be civil to each other, but you’re right, we should sit down and talk rationally. But with McDonald around, that’s impossible."
Riley glanced at his watch, a habit he was rapidly acquiring. Time was ticking away, and if they didn't find Jordy soon he knew he'd lose both his children.
"I'm fine Marc, honest. I'll see you downstairs." Riley finished, before he snapped the phone closed.
With a final look out over the harbor, Riley sighed and walked back into the stairwell. Moments later, he emerged down into the waiting area of the Paediatric ICU and saw Marc standing, waiting for him.
"Is Buffy in Evan's room?" He asked.
Marc nodded 'yes.' Even though Riley told him he was okay, Marc noticed his brother didn't look that way. Unconsciously, Riley had set his jaw into a clench, along with his fist. Riley was trying to balance himself on a razor's edge and the slightest upset would result in knocking him off. Marc over the years, could tell when the stress was getting to his brother, his normally calm demeanour would disappear and his temper would become *very* short. Currently, the fuse length of that temper was only millimeters long.
"Where's McDonald?" Riley demanded.
*Ah, so that's who's got his panties in a wad.*
"He just left Ev's room and went downstairs." Marc answered.
"He's not coming back is he?" That's all he needed to make this day complete- to have Lindsey show up while he and Buffy talked to Steve, acting paterfamilias and self-righteous.
"He told Buffy he'd wait for her and they'd go out to dinner after you and she talked to Steve. Why?"
"Just wanted to make sure he wasn't lurking around behind my back, that's all." He admitted.
"He's gone out of his way to find out about Buffy's and my business. The guy's becoming a real hazard and I want him stopped." Riley exclaimed, momentarily letting his anger spill out. He could trust Marc not to take offence at his outburst or think the anger was aimed toward him.
"Well try to chill a little, Rye. You're looking like you're out to murder someone and you don't wanna upset Buffy any more than she already is."
"Yeah, I know. I'll try to be good." He answered, taking a deep breath before walking toward Evan's room.
*If only I could think of a way to get McDonald outta my hair, then maybe I'd have a chance to make things better between Buffy and me.*
<><>
Buffy walked away from Steve and Riley, knowing the current prognosis was what she feared the most, that Evan’s condition was much worse. Steve couldn’t shield her from the bad news any longer- Evan if he were lucky, only had days to live.
Buffy didn’t want to have to think about that. She couldn’t bring herself to think about her life without Evan in it. He’d been her constant companion for the last 10 years, and he’d been the one to receive every ounce of love she had to give. She knew it was selfish to want her son to go on living because without him she’d be alone in the world again. Alone! The flight back to L.A. with Evan’s coffin in the back would be the longest 4 hours of her life. Shit, she hadn’t even thought about funeral arrangements. How is it possible for parents to do this? To pick out a satin-lined coffin for your child to spend eternity in.
"I see, Steve...you’re absolutely sure?" She said, fighting back her tears. Buffy was determined to put on a facade of strength, if only for the sake of her son. She planned on having a good cry but not here, where everyone could watch her break down.
"I’m sorry to say its true, Buff. The only thing we can do is to try and make his last days as comfortable as possible." Steve answered her quietly.
Buffy occasionally glanced up at Riley and could tell his heart was being ripped out as well. His loss would be greater than hers, not only was he still dealing with Jordan’s kidnapping, but his son’s final days. Reaching across the distance, she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, but dropped it quickly when he flinched at her touch. How had things gotten so bad between them? She wished the two of them could hold and comfort each other, but she knew his pain and anger lay hidden just below the surface, ready to explode at the slightest provocation, his reaction to her squeezing his hand was all the proof she needed. Right now, Buffy couldn’t stomach a repeat performance of this morning, and hearing what he said to Lindsey when she was coming out of the faint, only reinforced her decision to separate herself from him as much as possible.
She just nodded silently, acknowledging what Steve had told her, and turned and walked away. She needed to get away from the situation, even if it were only for a short time. The tension was just too much to bear.
For once, Lindsey’s suggestion to go out for dinner served a positive purpose. Afterward, she was going to go back to the hotel, maybe shower and relax for an hour or two. Steve’s couch was still in Evan’s room and that’s where she planned on sleeping. But tonight, the couch wouldn’t be shared with Lindsey McDonald.
"I won’t make that mistake a second time." She vowed to herself.
She didn’t want to give Riley any more ammunition. She didn’t want to hear any more arguments about how selfish she was, how she cared nothing about his suffering, that the only thing important to her was she and Evan.
But Buffy knew Riley spoke the truth. In the last 48 hours it had been all about her and Evan. Riley's daughter had been kidnapped, and their son was dying... why hadn't she looked past his anger earlier to see his pain? Why couldn’t she see past herself for once in her life, as in everything, this was all about her again…she’d let Riley down again.
“Buffy?” Riley’s soft voice stopped her in her tracks.
Turning, she looked into his tear-stained face and she wanted to run to him and wrap herself around him. Buffy wanted to shelter Riley from all the pain she’d brought into his life, but there was no way she could, it was out of her hands now.
“Where are you going?” He asked, wiping at his tears. Was he reaching out to her after all horrible things they’d both said to each other? What about what he’d said to Lindsey just an hour ago?
“I need to get out of here for a couple hours. Can you stay with Evan?” She asked, staring at the ceiling tiles. She knew that if she looked at him she would ignore the voice screaming at her to keep her distance.
“Sure, I’ll stay with him tonight…that’s if you want to stay at the hotel and get a good night sleep for a change. Or maybe we can stay with him together.” Riley offered, closing the space between them. Looking into his eyes, Buffy saw the man she loved staring back at her, not the angry man of earlier.
“No I’ll be back, I’m just going out for dinner with…” And Buffy stopped herself from saying Lindsey’s name as she saw the anger flash across Riley’s face again. Here he was waving a white flag of truce and she’d turned the knife again without even thinking.
“Yeah, don’t worry about Ev and me. You go have a cozy dinner with McDonald, and I’ll take care of my son.” Riley snapped before turning away and disappearing down the hall to rejoin Steve.
“Riley, that’s not what I was I meant.” She cried weakly after him, but it was either his anger or pride that kept him from turning to face her. Again she’d screwed up, she should have told him she’d love having him stay with her tonight, and instead she just blurted out the whole thing about having dinner with Lindsey. He must really think that she was a lying piece of shit now.
Buffy, seeing a nearby chair, sat down and buried her face in her hands. All she wanted to do was curl up into a ball and bawl her self to sleep forever, never to wake up to and realize this nightmare was her new reality.
"Buffy?" Dawn asked, as she watched Buffy sit down abruptly.
"It's no different than before." Buffy’s muffled voice answered.
"Buffy, you’re scaring me." Dawn whispered, as she ran her hand over her sister's hair.
"I’ve just done to him the exact same thing I did to him all those years ago...it was all about me, not once did..." She stopped to look up at her baby sister.
"Not once did I stop to think about him."
"Buffy, you did to." Dawn tried to calm Buffy down.
"Did I? No! I accused him of not wanting Evan in his life because of Claire. I threw back at him my guilt for keeping Evan from him. It's my fault, and he's paying for it."
"No, it's not." Said a voice beside them. Looking up, they saw Graham standing there.
"Dawn, your mom and Bryan are making a coffee run, can you go with them? I'm sure they'll need your help."
"But Buffy...."
"Its fine, Graham will stay with me." Buffy said quickly, placing her hand on Dawn's arm.
They silently watched Dawn leave the room and then Graham turned back to her.
"You’re moving out...Buffy, its hurt him deeper than if you'd stabbed him yourself.” Graham shook his head sadly.
"It's for the best right now." She answered, trying not to cry.
"How can you say that?"
"Easy! I can see he'd rather talk to Cordelia than me. He can't even look at me. We stood there with Steve talking about Evan’s condition and he couldn’t even bring himself to look at me. Then when he did finally find it in him to come to me, I did something stupid…stupid…stupid…stupid." She said, leaning her head against Graham's arm.
"He'll get over it." Graham said, rubbing the back of her neck.
"The only way he will is if we find Dani. Has there been any word?"
"No, nothing yet. No ransom messages, no fingerprints, nothing really to go on." He admitted. "We're hoping for something to turn up, but the longer we wait without hearing from the kidnappers, or finding any tangible leads, the less likely she'll be found alive."
Buffy sighed when she heard the news. She could fully understand why Riley was rapidly going off the deep end. If the shoe had been on the other foot, and she was in Riley’s place, well all hell would have broken loose.
"I even suggested to Riley that we have Will do a tracking spell to find Dani, but Riley shot that idea to hell. He wouldn't even consider it."
"Though I love Will and trust her witchcraft abilities completely, I'd have to agree with Riley on this. Good solid evidence is what we need right now."
Buffy nodded her head. "Well, you would know best." She said in a resigning tone, as she got up to walk away.
"Buff, where are you going? After Rye?"
"No, Gray. I know everyone will hate me for doing this, but I’m having dinner with Lindsey, and then I'm heading back to the hotel for a while. I figure the less Riley sees me for a while, the better. I symbolize pressure to him right now. He needs some time alone with Evan. With my family and me always around, he's only going to fall off the deep-end more.
Graham studied her face. It seemed like she'd lost the will to fight. She just seemed so dejected or rejected.
"He does love you." Graham said, moving to walk with her.
"It doesn't feel like it right now, but yeah, I know he does."
"Let him deal with this and he'll be okay." He said, taking Buffy's small hand in his.
"No, he won't. If he loses her, he'll fall to pieces and you know that. If he loses Evan too, we might as well..."
"I’m not prepared to think about that yet, I refuse to give up." Graham said, shaking his head.
"Okay you're not making any sense here Buff, are you saying that maybe Jordan paid those guys herself..."
"No, you ass." Buffy laughed slightly at his ridiculous comment.
"Maybe this was just a random thing, that it wasn't directed at any of us. That this man's a pedophile or something." This thought had been a constant whirlwind in her mind that she'd kept unvoiced. She knew that Riley needed to focus on something that wasn't this dark and sinister.
"Normally I'd think the same thing Buff, but it was too well orchestrated to be anything other than a well-planned operation." Graham said, after grabbing her arm to stop her from walking any further.
"A pedophile would do a snatch and run. These guys purposely acted like hospital staff. They knew exactly what they were doing so that no one would notice anything out of the ordinary."
Graham continued after thinking a moment.
"I'm not saying that after the kidnappers have her well secured that they wouldn't sexually molest her, but I don't believe it's a random attack. No, Riley's much too high profile, it’s only logical that it would be for a ransom."
"Okay, I believe you. You’re the expert." Buffy answered, again turning to go. She was supposed to meet Lindsey down in the main lobby and she wanted to say goodbye to Dawn and her mother before she left.
"If you hear anything, anything at all, call me." She tossed over her shoulder as she walked away.
"And what do you want me to tell Riley if he comes looking for you?" Graham called after her.
"I don't think you'll have that problem, but if he does ask just tell him I decided on giving him some well deserved space." Buffy replied, watching Riley, who now stood talking to that blonde they’d met in the cafeteria earlier. What was her name? Dr. Amy Hatfield a voice whispered in Buffy’s brain.
Graham’s eyes followed Buffy’s and noticed Riley standing beside Amy, “It’s not what you think, Buff.”
“I don’t know what to think anymore, Gray.” She sniffed before she walked quickly away in the opposite direction.
<><><>
"Are you okay?" Amy asked, stepping up to place a hand on Riley's slumped shoulders as he sat in the waiting room. Steve had just walked away after trying to calm Riley down after another run in with Buffy.
"Amy? You scared the hell out of me." He laughed off his embarrassment.
"Sorry, but I saw you sitting here, and you looked so upset...I just thought you needed some company. I hope you don't mind." She said, sitting down on the couch next to him.
"I heard about Jordan, I wanted to offer my help...I mean if I can help that is." She tried not to bat her eyelashes at him, this was not the time to flirt.
"Thanks, but the FBI and police are involved." He said, grateful for her company. He'd never had a problem with Amy's company, no it was more her need to get him into her bed that he had a problem with.
"RAGE isn't involved?"
"Yeah. I'm kind of out of it these days...Gray's taking care of things." He said, running his hand through his already messed up hair.
"When did you last sleep or eat?" She asked, taking his hand in hers.
"Sleep? Sleep is over-rated." He laughed, using her tag line.
"Funny Finn, use my own words against me." She laughed with him.
"This is the first time I've laughed in days." He smiled slightly. If there was one thing that Amy was successful at, it was to make him laugh.
"Well you should have called. I'm good at that. If I remember right, it was the only thing I was 'good' at that you let me do." She teased.
"No, no. You‘ve got that wrong Amy, it wasn't the only thing you were 'good' at. Let me rephrase that, you were 'great' at it...all those times. It's just that with everything, you and I...
"I'm not your style any more is that what you’re trying to say?" She asked in a defeated manner.
"Let’s just say I've toned down my actions somewhat." He answered.
"Whips and chains are no longer your thing." She said, watching him blush slightly.
Lindsey stood around the corner listening to this little conversation. He’d come back upstairs to get Buffy, but instead he’d stumbled upon this private conversation.
*So Finn's been with her huh? And it seems he likes kinky too, bet Buffy doesn't know these little tidbits.*
“They never were, Aimes.” He said hugging her. Amy had come into his life at a time for a reason, but that was the past, and Riley had moved on. He’d loved Amy’s company, but he needed more, the girls needed more.
At that moment Amy’s beeper went off startling them both.
“Post-Op is paging me.” She smiled, clipping her pager back on her scrubs.
“Don’t want to keep ya.” He said getting to his feet, his one hand still held tightly in Amy’s hand.
“You know me, I live here, so if you need to talk or anything.” Amy said, hugging him.
“Thanks Aimes, I mean it.” He said kissing her forehead.
“Not a problem.” She replied closing her eyes, savoring the moment in his arms.
“You better getting going before they send out a search party.” He said, letting her go.
“Yeah.” She smiled, backing down the hall. “Call me if you need me.”
“I will.” He waved turning away from her and heading down the hall away from everyone.
After talking to Amy, Riley decided he needed to find some sanctuary where Buffy, Dawn or any member of the Summers’ family couldn’t find him. He needed someplace quiet to think of the event that triggered the argument this morning. That sanctuary was the stairwell.
It wasn’t just the fact that he found Lindsey on the couch with Buffy, no there was more going on than that in Riley’s mind. It was his guilt about sharing his bed with Cordelia and the sudden attraction he felt for the brunette. Was the kiss in fact, not as innocent as he originally thought? It was like his biggest fear had been given wings. For the last 10 years, Riley had been hopelessly in love with Buffy, and he didn’t want that ruined by being sexually attracted to one of her best friends.
"God, what am I doing? I’m confused, that’s it. Cord is just a lifeline that I need right now, I don’t have feelings for her. All of this…it’s just too much. The kids…trying my best to get back with my girlfriend, why would I cheat on her? If I start an affair with Cordelia, I'm going to be more than just a home-wrecker." He said gently banging his head against the concrete wall. Pulling back, he leaned against the wall.
“What am I doing?”
Riley thought hard about the probable repercussions from his actions, all of them serious.
"Buffy and I will break-up and we’ll never have another chance to get back together."
"Cord and Angel's marriage will probably end up in a divorce court and their kids will be raised in a broken home."
"And speaking of a broken home, I could kiss goodbye any chance at being a full time father to Evan. If I’m really lucky, I’ll get to see him on holidays."
"Buffy will probably marry Lindsey and who knows what poison that son-of-a-bitch will be feeding her and my son!"
“Who the hell am I kidding! My son is dying and it won’t matter what McDonald says to him.” Riley started to choke up with emotion, he was already losing more than he could ever imagine possible, but if he continued on with Cord he would lose so much more.
"No! There will be nothing more than friendship between Cord and I from now on." He swore venomously.
"Yeah nothing more...but how do I explain the feelings I have for her." He sighed, lightly banging his head against the concrete wall again.
Being with her last night had seemed perfect, almost natural, and the kisses…not even kissing Buffy felt that good. It was like they knew what the other needed to soothe their souls. Cordelia had sought his warmth, and he, her calming strength.
"Why? Why is this happening?" He asked dropping his head into his hands.
"Because you love me." Cordelia said, suddenly standing in front of him, her fingers entwined already in his hair.
"We can't love each other." He answered, raising his head up to look at her.
"I know we can't, but we do. Somehow it's happened and neither of us was even aware it was happening."
"No it’s not love…it can’t be! I love Buffy...I crave… Buffy." He almost pleaded with her.
"And I love Angel, but Riley this is different." She said, moving to sit next to him on the stair.
"When I first saw you, somewhere in me I felt something, and each and every day that feeling has grown stronger."
"Into love?" He asked, shifting so he could see her profile.
"I don't know, but it feels like I know you, intimately. Despite my feelings for Angel, I know I've been looking for you my whole life. Does this make any sense at all to you?"
"Complete sense. It's like you have this understanding of me that no one else has ever had. When I look into your eyes, I see someone there I've known since...well it feels like the beginning of time." He said, reaching up to touch her cheek.
"Do you believe in soul mates?"
"I didn't till I met you." He laughed.
"Well that's the only explanation I can give."
"So do you think we were lovers?"
"We could’ve been or maybe just members of the same family.” Cordelia giggled, "Maybe you were my dog."
"Oh thanks, just call me Rover." He answered, slipping his arm around her shoulder.
"What we did last night can never happen again. I love Angel too much, and I can't lie to him if he finds out what happened." She said, leaning her head onto his shoulder.
"I was gonna say the same thing." He sighed.
"You love Angel, too?"
Riley laughed at her joke.
"But you’re right Cord, I can’t lie either. If Buffy finds out, I’ll tell her the truth…shit… as if she’d even care if she found out." He groaned.
“She’ll care because she loves you.”
“I doubt it.”
"So, do we keep our distance from now on?" She asked.
"I can't." He whispered, catching a strand of her hair between his fingers.
“I know what you mean.” She leaned closer, inhaling his scent, as if trying to memorize every part of him.
"But, it'll have to be platonic and nothing more. Cord, you bring an understanding to my life that no one ever has." He smiled.
"You feel almost complete." She said, knowing that's how he made her feel too.
"Yeah. But for some reason Cord, you and I seem to be so in tuned with each other and I can't explain it.
"You mean, like we're surgically separate twins or something?" She laughed.
"No, I'm serious. Why else do we understand each other so well. You seem to know what I think or need before I do." He said, moving to help her to her feet.
"I don't know, Riley.... I don't know if I want to know. Until 2 weeks ago, my life was simple and suddenly ‘bang’ there you were and I suddenly feel like I'm a whole person for the first time in my life. Right now, I'd be happier getting on a plane and hightailing it back to L.A.." She said as he looped his arm through hers and they turned to walk out of the stairwell.
"I know what you mean…but don't you think we owe it to ourselves..." Riley tried to explain, but Cordelia interrupted him.
"And what happens if we're soul mates or worse... you're my long lost much older brother put up for adoption by my former parents." Her sober mood quickly turning to teasing.
"First I'm not *that* much older than you and secondly they would have put you up for adoption, I'm too cute to be given up." He laughed before sobering quickly.
"But whatever the reason was, I'm glad you've entered my life. It just feels right." He said.
“I know.” She nodded.
“I just can’t imagine my life without you in it now. I’d offer you a job to keep you here if it would work.”
"I'd take your offer, but I'd be afraid you'd think I was hitting on you again." She teased.
"I think I kissed you." He laughed.
"Oh, I'm not sure of that. All I know is it was yucky." She screwed up her face.
"Really?" He stopped.
"No, but if I allow myself to think how nice it was I'll want more, and I'm sorry sir, but that is so not in the cards here. I'll be your friend, your confidante, but I will not be your free kissing booth." She almost giggled.
"You honestly feel that way?" He blinked.
"Well yeah. I care about you for some reason unbeknownst to me, but I don't want you. Sorry if that shatters your big male ego." She looked up at him from her place on the step, hoping he wouldn’t see through her lie.
"Oh, thank God, you feel that way! I thought... well... maybe..."
"Don't flatter yourself." She snorted.
"But you feel the same way I do." He felt like racing up to the roof and shouting off of it in happiness. Cord didn't want him!
"Yeah, but what is this between us then?" She asked almost giggling at the happy look on his face, he reminded her so much of Tristan suddenly.
"I don't know, but when this is all over we'll try to find out why. I have this psychologist friend who was a member of the Initiative with Gray and me, maybe he can tell us."
“What you wanna tell someone about us...this?” Cordelia exploded, turning to face Riley.
“Don’t worry, Ian’s the picture of patient confidentiality. He can help us sort through this attraction we feel for each other. He’s good, believe me.” Riley reassured her.
“You trust him?”
“I trust him.” Riley nodded.
“Okay then, if this is still here after all this is over, I’ll agree to meet with Ian.” Cord agreed.
“Good. Do you want to come with me to see Ev?” He asked, opening the door for Cordelia.
“No, I think you need to do this alone, but I’ll be close by if you need me.” She said looking over her shoulder at him.
“Thanks, kiddo.” He smiled, seeing Marc waiting in the hall for him.
“I was wondering when you’d come out of there.” Marc smiled, wrapping his arm around Cordelia’s shoulders.
“We were just talking.” Riley replied defensively, looking from Marc to Cord and back again.
“Of course you were. What did you think? I thought something was going on in there? God, Riley, sometimes you gotta loosen up and not be so paranoid! Come on Cord, your hubby just got here and he’s looking for you.” Marc laughed at his brother’s reaction.
“Yeah Rye, loosen up.” Cord smirked up at Riley.
“Yeah listen to the lady. Now let me escort you to your husband, my fair lady.” Marc bowed.
Cord laughed, “Take me to my husband.”
Standing there in their wake, Riley scratched his head in wonder. Two seconds in Marc’s company and he was forgotten about, only Buffy seemed oblivious to his brother’s charm.
<><>
When Amy got up and walked away, Lindsey couldn’t help but follow the statuesque blonde beauty. Following at a safe distance, he watched her return her page, and then took the same elevator as her up to the Paediatric Cardiac unit. Watching her and the way she dealt with her patients almost made him change his mind about approaching her, but the idea of her and Finn doing the dirty stopped him. Here was a woman who still had a thing for the man, and she would be a worthy partner. It seemed to take forever before he was able to catch up with her just outside of her office.
"Look, I know you still want him, and I can help you get him back." Lindsey smiled evilly at the beautiful woman.
“Excuse me sir, I don’t have clue what the hell you’re talking about. But I’m warning you, if you don’t leave me alone this instant I’ll have security remove you from the premise.” Her icy voice made Lindsey certain that he’d made the right decision about her.
“Finn. You still want him, I can smell it.” Lindsey smiled evilly at her.
“If you say so.” She started for the door of her office.
“I know so. You’re jealous of his relationship with Buffy.”
"How? How do I get him back?" Amy said, turning to face Lindsey.
"Don't worry. Leave that part to me, but you have to be willing to go all out, and do whatever it takes." Lindsey spoke to her, looking for her agreement. He knew this woman wanted Finn back, hell half of the women in Boston wanted Finn, but looking at the name plate on her door, Dr. Amy Hatfield was the perfect mark...Riley had a past with her, a hot steamy past.
"How far do I have to go?" She asked. She didn't like this little man, but if he could help her win Riley back, then she'd listen to him.
"Nothing I'm sure that you haven't done with him already?" Lindsey smiled knowingly.
"I think I like the way you think Mr....." She didn't know his last name nor did she like him, but she had to admit he was incredibly sexy.
"McDonald, Lindsey McDonald and I want you to know that I'm on your side. You two belong with each other." He said, offering his hand to seal their deal.
“As wonderful as your proposed partnership sounds, I need time to think about this…Mr. McDonald?” Amy said, crossing her arms over her chest and cocking her head to the side to study Lindsey.
“I’m just heading out for dinner right now Doctor, I’ll be back in a couple hours, and you’ll have then to think about my offer. I hope you won’t disappoint me.” He smiled wickedly at her. Yes, Dr. Amy Hatfield would have made a nice addition to his stable of women, if he didn’t need her to take down Finn. After the mess with Lilah, he’d learned never to mix wicked business with pleasure.
“Oh I never disappoint, Mr. McDonald.” She purred, turning on her heels to walk into her office and with a fluid motion, the door closed in Lindsey’s smiling face.
“I bet you don’t.” Lindsey laughed out loud as he headed to the elevators. It was time to meet Buffy in the lobby for dinner.
The story continues in chapter 45
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