The Song Remembers When
Chapter Six
DISCLAIMER: All BtVS characters belong to the wonderfully talented
mind of Joss Whedon. However I do own Riley's daughters and Sam the
nanny.
RATING: PG
COUPLING: Buffy/Riley
SUMMARY: A/U - Riley has left Buffy, and this is 10 years into the
future.
FEEDBACK: Pretty pretty please! I really hate to beg, but will .
SPOILERS: All of Season 5, and my own little universe.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I tried to deal with Buffy's feeling in this piece
and I hope I managed to convey what I have in mind for her. I want
to thank everyone who has so kindly offered their support and
feedback.
Buffy sat in the first class section of the plane lost in her own
thoughts. It paid to have a best friend who was an Academy Award
winning actress, people jumped through rings to please you. The
Flight Attendants kept coming over to make sure they were
comfortable, but she'd wish that they leave her alone. Since she'd
spoken with Riley she'd been trying to figure out how she was going
to tell him her news. Looking across the aisle she watched Evan and
Willow play Crazy 8's. The two were laughing about something, and
Buffy ideally wondered what it was. Willow swatted his hand as he
reached for a card out of turn.
"Hey buster, it's my turn." She said as he flashed her a sheepish
grin.
"Sorry."
"You cheat like your Uncle Zander. Badly!." Willow said recalling
her childhood best friend's veiled attempts at cheating.
"Who do you think taught me." Laughed the handsome little boy beside
her.
"Buffy! I can't believe you've let Zander teach him how to play
cards!"
"Was either him or Spike, and I thought at the time Zander was a
better choice."
"I see your point." Snorted Willow returning her attention to her
partner.
"Hey! Did you steal a card when my back was turned!" Willow said
pretending to fume at her nephew. Buffy watched amused for a minute
as Willow play with her son, before returning to the brief she was
preparing for court Thursday.
"Excuse me? Is that Willow Rosenberg, the actress." Buffy turned to
meet the older lady's questioning glance that was sitting beside her.
"Yes it is."
"Do you think she'd mind if I asked her later for autograph, I'm a
huge fan."
"Sure, when we get off the plane, I'll ask her for you."
The lady looked back across the aisle.
"Your son is very handsome, you must be proud of him." Smiled the
lady.
"Yes I am. He's the light of my life." Buffy proudly boasted.
"I know how you feel. I have four boys of my own. My husband Harold
and I had 4 sons. We were so proud of them we could've have burst.
You know mothers and sons have a special bond, that you'll never
loss." Said the older woman as she patted Buffy hand.
"That's so nice. Are you going to visit one of them now?"
"Yes. My boys have given me this trip as a Christmas gift. Three of
my boys bought me the ticket so I can visit my son David for the
first time in 3 years. I moved in with my son Steven and his wife
after my husband died."
Buffy smiled at the old lady, not wanting to appear rude, but not
wanting to hear her life story either. She had her own problems to
think about. What was she going to do when she saw him face to face?
How was she going to tell him. Yet the lady kept on talking.
<Just my luck to end up sitting next to a talker.>
"So where's your husband dear?"
<What do I tell her? Oh! I'm not married to my son's father, he
wanted nothing to do with us. But don't worry, I'm going to Boston
to turn his little world upside down regardless! And should I give
her the manic Buffy smile, or not?>
Instead she took a deep breath and gave the old lady the same answer
that she'd given to strangers and Evan's teachers since his birth.
"I'm not married. When I found out I was pregnant I decided to
raise my son on my own. His father was out my life, and I didn't
feel I owned it to him to let him back in."
"Oh." The lady said returning her attention back to the Good Housing
Keeping Magazine she'd been reading.
<Great now I've alienated a sweet old Grandmother.>
Buffy sighed and went back to the file setting on her tray. She was
suppose to be in court on Thursday, but if things looked promising ,
Lindsay had told her to stay in Boston with Riley, and he'd appear on
her behalf in court. Since leaving Wolfman and Hart, Lindsay had
become a integral part of the Scooby gang and a good friend to Buffy.
He'd been the one who had held her hand through law school.
Actually to be more accurate he held Evan while he quizzed Buffy in
Contract law. Since she'd been called to the California Bar, Lindsay
and she had opened their own firm, and their reputation had proceeded
them. The ex-slayer and the ex-golden boy from Wolfman and Hart, had
formed a formidable partnership, that would leave demons shaking in
their boots. Even though Buffy had given up her slayer ways, she
could still pack a mean punch in the courtroom.
Looking back over at the lady who sat beside her, she frowned. She'd
basically told the woman the truth, sure she'd left out a lot, but it
was the truth. When the doctor had first confirmed her suspicion
that she was 2 months pregnant she'd been so excited, she couldn't
wait to share the news with Riley. She'd never dreamed that she
could become pregnant, not with everything her body had been through.
The thought of having a child with Riley was a fantasy come true for
her. She'd dreamed about sharing a life with Riley and their
children, but with her birth-right it just seemed impossible. So you
could have knocked her over with a feather when Dr. Hasting told her.
She floated around for days trying to find the right way to tell
Riley, but the longer she waited, the doubts set in.
Doubts. How could she do this to Riley! Complicating his life by
adding a child, they were too young for that. She'd wanted to
finish college first, that's if she lived long enough to do so. Then
there was the whole death thing. Who was she to make a decision for
the two of them in regards to Riley's life. The odds that he'd end
up a Widower raising a infant were good, and it was unfair to saddle
him with this responsibility. So she'd finally decided to have the
abortion.
The abortion was another story. She'd made the decision to have it
done, and keep this little secret to herself. She knew if she'd told
Riley he'd want her to keep the baby and marry him, being that he was
Mr. Obligation. Yet she didn't want him to ask her, she didn't want
him to think he had to marry her out of duty, if they married it
should be out of love. Over her dead body would she or her child
become an obligation to him. Also there was no way Riley could leave
his catholic conscious behind. From previous discussions they'd had,
she knew Riley didn't believe in the pro-choice thing, an abortion
would be out of the question. The day she showed up for the
procedure, as the nurse called it, she knew she couldn't do it. The
thought of terminating a child that could have Riley's blue eyes
saddened her. So she turned around and walked out of the clinic.
The only problem with this soul search was her distancing herself
from Riley. She wouldn't let him touch her, she'd always find an
excuse to slip out of his arms or to go home. The thought of him
touching her, when she was still trying to decide the future of their
own unborn child sickened her. Looking into his eyes while trying to
make this huge decision on her own was so hard to do. She was making
a decision that would affect both their lives forever. Buffy never
realised until much later why she'd had a hard time making this
decision. The decision had been hard because she'd choose to make it
alone. She'd made it without Riley, the other interested party in
this matter. Yet the more confused she got, the harder she pushed
Riley away. Unfortunately she pushed so hard that he left her.
The day he walked out of her life was etched in her mind forever.
It was a cold winter day in California and the sun hadn't shown
itself for a week. Buffy didn't mind the weather at the time,
because it seemed to suit her mood. Curled up in her dorm room she'd
been waiting for him. He'd called and asked if she was free to talk.
Did he know she was pregnant? After she'd hung up the phone she
curled up in her blanket and waited for judgement day to arrive. He
would help her straighten out her thoughts, he'd help her make the
decision. Unfortunately that wasn't what he'd wanted.
Riley was standing in the doorway when she'd opened the door. The
usual sweet smile was gone, and he seemed really fidgety. Buffy knew
it was bad when he walked in without kissing her. He walked across
the room and sat on her bed staring at the floor between his feet.
She hadn't been prepared for the words out of his mouth.
"I've decided to go join Graham and the agency. I can't take the way
things are between us anymore. I know you don't love me. I use to
think I had enough love for both of us, but I was wrong. I can't
continue to watch you slip away from me. And I can't stand around
feeling useless anymore. God, Buffy I use to be a man with a
mission, now it seems I'm an extra in Mission Impossible. Do you
have any idea how that makes me feel."
Buffy stood by the door still, shocked by one statement he'd made.
"I know you don't love me." How could he think that she didn't love
him. Every decision she was trying to make was because she loved and
respected him. She didn't want to chain him to a woman whose life
expectancy could be shorter than the time it would take to toilet
train this child she was carrying.
"I've handed in my resignation here at the university and my notice
to the landlord. Graham's meeting me tomorrow, and we leave for
Virginia. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore."
Buffy could see the tears in his eyes, and knew that this was hard
for him. She also knew that there was no way in hell she would let
him leave this room, until her heard her out. They were having a
child together! Everything that he'd just said seemed to race through
her mind along with her own thoughts. How was she going to pull them
together to make a coherent thought. She wanted to sound intelligent
and mature, but what came screaming out of her mouth only sounded
shrilled and hysterical.
"No! You can't leave me! I won't let you Riley Finn. I'm not done
with you!" There she'd said it, I'm not done with you. How selfish
could she have possible have sounded. Riley just looked up at her
and shook his head in disgust.
"It's all about you and your damn birth-.right isn't it! I'm just a
cog in the wheel around here, as long as I'm here to do Buffy's
bidding. Well, no more! Grow up Buffy! You're not the only person
in this relationship. Oh wait a minute! You are! Cause I'm out of
here!" Riley was at the door with his hand on the knob as he
bitterly laughed out the last words.
"Riley, please listen to me! I need you in my life. Only you
understand me." Tears were pouring down her face, and she so
desperately wanted him to turn around to say he was sorry and pull
her into his loving arms. Yet by now he had the door open. She
reached for his arm and he pulled it away.
"Look at me Riley! Please. We need to sort this out!"
"Sorry Buffy I can't. I love you." And he walked out of her life
forever, closing the door behind him.
The letter arrived 2 days later, it was simple and straight forward.
All it said was "Buffy I love you, and I always will. I will never
forget you and what you meant to me. Please forgive me. Love Riley."
She sat there for days holding the letter in a death grip crying.
She could not be consoled, for her pain was raw and torn into the
core of her soul. She couldn't accept the fact that Riley had walked
out of her life, because she didn't love him. There had to be
another reason, she loved Riley Finn. Okay, maybe she didn't say it
often enough, but she'd told him! Then a little voice in her heart
spoke to her and she knew the truth,she'd never told him she'd loved
him, not even once! What had she done!
She tried contacting him through Graham, but that had been useless.
Graham had told her that Riley didn't want to speak with her, and he
wasn't' prepared to go against Riley's wishes. She begged him to let
her speak with Riley, but he told her to let it go, it was over.
Hearing her cry, Graham had told her how sorry he was that they had
broken up. It broke his heart to see his friends in such pain,
because he really believed they had what it took to make it work.
He'd always tell her to take care of herself and that she'd be in his
thoughts. Most of the phone calls she had with Graham had basically
been the same until the last one, after the baby's birth. He'd told
her Riley was better off without her, and to move on like he had.
Then he abruptly hung up the phone, leaving her alone to get the
message.
The day Evan had been born, had been the best and worst day in her
life. Hearing Graham so plainly tell her that Riley had moved on,
had torn her heart into a million pieces. She knew the only love her
heart had had left to give was to her son, family, and friends. She
would never love anyone else in a romantic, stop your heart way that
she'd loved Riley. So she put a wall around the huge hole and walked
forward into the world, her son by her side.
Her family and friends stood by her side helping her raise the world
most beautiful baby into the world's most special little boy. Evan
was spoiled rotten by the people that loved him. While she was at
school, her mother, Giles and Spike would take turns watching him.
At night while she was at the library or patrolling with the new
slayer Zander Anya and Willow took their turns.
A year and a half after their break up she heard from Angel that
Riley had married some girl name Claire that he'd met while living in
Virginia. Seemed that on the outside the two would live a normal
happy life, but Buffy wondered if Claire knew about what went bump in
the night. She'd been so tempted to go to Virginia and burst
little Claire's world apart with her baby son. She wanted her true
love back, Claire had no idea who she'd married, only Buffy knew the
real Riley Finn.
Entering law school saw her move to L.A., and she entered a new phase
in her life. Moving away from the poor broken hearted image of her
former self, she became a woman on a mission. She attacked her law
studies with the same zeal that she would slaying. Now her son's
life would include Cordelia, Lindsay, Wesley, Gunn and Angel. And of
course the ever present Willow. Yet ever night she tucked her son
into bed she was reminded of the man she'd lost. She was reminded
that her heart had stopped beating the day he'd walked out the door.
And she'd pray to God, that one day she'd find Riley again.
She knew that Angel still loved her, but she could no long begin to
open her heart up, even to him. She could not risk being hurt
again. They instead developed a close relationship, and he swore to
protect her and her son until the end of time. Buffy knew that Angel
cursed Riley's name all the time, but she also knew that Angel
understood why Riley had left. She knew that loving her was never
easy.
Now 10 years later she was about to face Riley for the first time
since he'd left her. In her heart she knew Riley would not deny his
son, but she wasn't sure how he'd except her back in his life. Buffy
looked across the aisle again at her son, currently asleep in
Willow's arms. His cheeks were flushed, but she knew the flush was
from the excitement of meeting his father for the first time.
Buffy had decided early on in Evan's life to be truthful about his
father. She'd decide it would be hard to lie to her son and keep her
stories straight. So against her family's wishes, she told her son
the truth about her and his father's relationship. He'd been 7 years
old when they'd had the conversation. She'd told him that sometimes
we think our actions will be enough to keep the people in our lives
happy and loved. And that's what she had thought, but his daddy had
needed more, unfortunately she hadn't realised it at the time. He'd
walked away from her and had gone on to live his life with people who
told him they loved him. Evan looked up at Buffy and simply said.
"I could have loved him enough mommy. Why didn't he let me?"
"Because I wouldn't let him. I tried to reach him sweetheart, but
I'd hurt him too much to every let me near his heart again. So in
time I gave up on him. Do you understand what I'm saying."
"I think so. He went away because you hurt him, because you didn't
love him?"
"That's what he thought baby, that I didn't love him, but I did, I
just didn't know how to show it." Buffy's tears were flowing freely
by this point of the conversation.
"Every day I am now reminded of that mistake when I look at you. You
look just like him you know. I have a picture, would you like to see
it." Evan just nodded, and Buffy handed him the framed picture. She
sat watching her son taking in every aspect of his father's face.
"We have the same blue eyes." He said in awe.
"Yes you do."
"Can I meet him someday."
"Maybe, when you're older."
"Thank you." He said hugging his mother.
"Why?" Buffy asked not understanding her son's thank you.
"Because every day you love me enough to tell me." Now every day
she told him that she loved him, even if it embarrassed him beyond
belief.
Each night as Evan went off to bed, he'd wrap his arms around his
mothers neck and he'd say a simple "Thank you Mom.".
The story continues in chapter 7
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