Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane,

going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school

Honesty it the best policy, but insanity is a better defense

Drink until he's cute

A woman's rule of thumb:

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have problems with it

Never wear anything that panics the cat

Friends come and go, enemies accumulate

It's always darkest before you step on the cat

Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine

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