It suddenly struck me just now that you don't know anything about me! All you faithful readers who've been following my articles for the last three months or so have no idea about who I am. So I thought I'd better put up a page that told you all about me!
Name: Owen "Coolness" Morton
Age: Don't you know better than to ask a lady her age? Even though I'm not a lady, I think I'm cool enough to warrant similar courtesy.
Eye colour: Blue
Hair colour: Blond and brown
Personal statement: I am a really cool person who is just so very cool you wouldn't believe how unbelievably cool I am. I am perhaps the coolest person who ever cooled and it would be so nice for everyone else if they could be quite so cool as I am. Coolness is my middle name, and it is also my game. To be cool is actually quite good fun, so if you want to be cool, you should come to me for coolness tips. I'll help you to be cool. My other interests, besides being cool, include train spotting and stamp collecting.
Hobbies and Interests: Being cool, train spotting and stamp collecting, just like I wrote up there. And I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer as well, because that's really cool too. In fact, it's probably the only thing that comes close to being as cool as I am.
Favourite Quotes: "Wow! Am I cool or what!" - Me, December 1996
"Gosh! I am very cool indeed!" - Me, February 1997
"Oh, golly! How cool am I!" - Me, July 1997
"Oh, Owen! I wish I could be as cool as you!" - Somebody Else, September 1997
"I'm so cool it's unreal!" - Me, January 1998
"I wish I could stop being cool, it's getting me down." - Me, March 1998 (a bad time in my life)
"I'm back to my regular cool self! And boy, I'm as cool as ever!" - Me, April 1998 (after the bad time)
"Coolness is fun!" - Me, August 1998
"Doing GCSEs is cool!" - Me, June 1999
"Especially when they're finished - that's REALLY cool!" - Me, June 1999
"Cool - the be all and end all of life!" - Me, September 1999
"I think, therefore I'm cool!" - Me, December 1999
"Hey, man, come and be cool with me!" - Me, February 2000 (in a very generous mood)
"Hey, it's Easter! Cool!" - Me, April 2000
"Can you believe how cool I am?" - Me, August 2000
"Sure can, Owen! You're REALLY cool!" - Somebody Else, August 2000
"Hey! I'm in Year 13 now! Cool!" - Me, September 2000
"It's so cool to be cool!" - Me, December 2000
"To be cool or not to be cool? That's not a question!" - Me, February 2001
"I'm so cool it's unbelievable!" - Me, April 2001
"Wow! I'm SO cool!" - Me, June 2001
There you go. Now you know everything about me! I wish I could tell you more, but I've got a hard night's cooling ahead! Until next time, as He Man would say!