- by Owen Morton
I've been running this website for a year and two months now, and right from the start my main obsessions have been clear. One of the first articles to appear was the He-Man Worship Site, as was the Buffy Worship Site (I can't quite remember which order they came in), and we all know that these two programmes take the top places in my favourite TV shows list. Still, I can't believe it's taken me quite so long to come up with this question: who would win in a fight between He-Man and Buffy?
The question isn't easy to answer. At first glance, you'd think it would be He-Man, with his claim to being "the most powerful man in the universe". But if you think about it, you realise that Buffy isn't a man. (In fact, you realise this pretty quickly.) So does He-Man being the most powerful man in the universe make him equal to taking on the full strength of the Slayer?
To answer the question, I think we need to engage in a piece of fanfic. This is because I'm not willing to write a full length discussion of He-Man's strengths and weaknesses, then Buffy's strengths and weaknesses, then weigh them up. Besides the fact that He-Man doesn't seem to actually have any weaknesses, which would make the entire discussion pointless, I think it would turn out quite boring. So, instead, we will write a piece of fanfic which finds some ludicrous excuse to pit He-Man against Buffy. And, for the sheer hell of it, we'll set this story in Buffy's second season, before Angel starts being a baddy.
Spike threw on his leather coat and strode hurriedly to the entrance of the factory which he had made his headquarters. One of his servants had finally found what he had been looking for for several weeks, and Spike was eager to see if it was still in working order. If it was, it would be the perfect solution to the problem of the Slayer, the only thing preventing Sunnydale becoming the equivalent of an eat-all-you-like buffet.
Just before he left, Spike turned to his lover, Drusilla, and said, "Stay here, Dru. This may not be entirely safe. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. But if this works, you'll be able to go out any time you want."
Drusilla, her eyes unblinking, stared back at him, but made no reply. Spike took one last lingering look at her, then turned back and exited the factory.
He walked the streets of Sunnydale, warm even though it was night. Sometimes, he wondered why he and Dru didn't go back to their native England, where there was no Slayer. And moreover, no Americans. Spike had nothing but contempt for the people of the USA, including most of its vampires. Angelus had been different, before his soul had been restored to him; Spike had had some grudging respect for him. Sometimes.
The ancient artefact he was currently looking for, though, would put pay to the Slayer, at least. And it would be more than capable of dealing with any future Slayers, if all the legends were true. Spike grinned, his teeth glinting in the moonlight.
"And just where do we think we're going at this time of night?" came a cool voice from behind him.
Spike cursed inwardly. He'd been so absorbed with his plans that he'd been careless enough to let the Slayer sneak up on him. If she'd been more sensible and just attacked without stopping to taunt him first, she would have had a distinct advantage.
He turned round slowly, casually. "We think we're going for a midnight stroll," he mocked. "And just where does your mother think you are at this time of night?"
Buffy ignored the comment. Her mother presumably thought that she was tucked up safe in bed, which was how Buffy preferred to keep it. If Joyce Summers ever found out that she was the Slayer, Buffy wasn't sure exactly how she would handle it.
"Just a midnight stroll?" she echoed. "Why do I find that hard to believe?"
"Because you're cynical and suspicious?" Spike suggested. "Look, Slayer, I'm in sort of a rush. Couldn't we finish this charming dialogue at some later date?"
"Just when I was really getting into it?" Buffy replied. "No, Spike. This seems to be the perfect opportunity to finish you off, right now, and end one of the most constant thorns in my side by putting a stake in yours."
She leapt forward, whipping a stake from her jacket sleeve. As his face transformed, Spike stepped back, idly wondering why he never attempted to employ some form of modern weaponry like a gun, bazooka or neutron bomb against her, and kicked out at her face. Buffy grabbed his outstretched leg and flipped him onto the ground. She stood over him, stake raised.
Why did it always come to this? Spike thought, despondently. Any time his plan looked like coming close to succeeding, the Slayer showed up and he was forced to retreat with his tail between his legs. And this time, his scheme was being curtailed before it even got started.
The thought riled him, and he tapped a new source of energy. He performed a complex backward roll to gain a few feet distance from the Slayer, which resulted in the required movement but, not according to plan, his leather coat got tangled over his head. Sensing her opponent's disorientation, Buffy kicked him hard in the stomach, which had the undesired effect of knocking the coat off Spike's head. He staggered backwards, his eyes locked on hers, burning with fury.
"This isn't the end of this, Slayer," he snarled, his face turning back into its more human appearance.
"Heard that one before," Buffy replied, twirling the stake casually as she advanced towards him.
"And so far, it hasn't been, has it?" shot back Spike, and then, without any warning, turned and bolted. Buffy stood back, puzzled. Why hadn't Spike continued the fight? He couldn't have been hurt that badly by her kick, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to run so fast.
Irritated, Buffy turned to head back home, her patrolling finished for the night.
Spike strode into the mausoleum, giving off an aura of fury. The vampires there shrank back against the walls, realising their leader was in a foul mood, and wouldn't hesitate to kill anyone who got even slightly on his nerves.
"This had better be what you claim, Andrew," he snarled to the vampire who had sent him the message. "Because I'm not in a very good mood, and if I don't get what I want …"
Andrew heard the threat, even though nothing explicit had been said. "I am almost certain I have found it, master," he said. He offered up a plain crystal orb to Spike, who snatched it and turned it over in his hands.
"It does contain a great source of otherworldly power," the British vampire conceded, grudgingly. "But how can you be sure of what it is? And how do you know how to activate it?"
"It comes with an instruction manual, master," Andrew explained, holding up the thin booklet, which Spike also seized.
He stood there for a few moments, browsing through it. Then he looked up, a wide, unpleasant smile on his handsome features. He nodded once. "You've done well, Andrew," he told his minion. Having thus dispensed all the reward he was prepared to give, he carried the orb and its instruction manual out of the mausoleum.
Back at the factory, Spike found Drusilla, her eyes still fixated on the spot they had been when he had left. He held the orb up to her.
"Look, pet," he said. "We have it. The device that will deal with the Slayer once and for all." He advanced to the book which he had left open on the table, and read the text out loud.
Long ago, a mighty warrior came from a planet called Eternia to Earth, in search of a great evil. But the evil eluded him, and the warrior was trapped on Earth. He was brainwashed by demons, who convinced him that to fight for them was good, but eventually the Council of Watchers managed to enclose the warrior within crystal, after finding that they themselves were unable to defeat him, the Slayer being occupied with other matters. They intended to keep the warrior enclosed in the crystal until the Slayer could come to kill him, but it was stolen by a greedy human, who took it to the New World and kept it with him till his death, and was buried with him. The location of the orb has remained secret ever since, and both vampires and Watchers have sought to find it, the former in order to release the warrior to do their bidding once more, and the Watchers to prevent the vampires from doing so.
Spike grinned over at Drusilla, who had stopped staring at the door and was now focussing all her attention on him. "We got there before the Watchers did, pet," he said. "I always knew we were ahead of those stuffy fools."
He turned his attention to the instruction manual. "And releasing the warrior couldn't be easier," he said, his smile widening. "Most of the ancient rituals those Watchers cook up are incredibly long-winded. But this -" he threw the crystal to the ground, where it smashed.
When the resultant smoke cleared, a huge tanned muscle-bound man with neon orange hair, wearing red furry underpants, red furry boots and a metal breastplate, stood before them.
"- couldn't be easier," Spike finished.
"I am He-Man," the man said, "the most powerful man in the universe. I await your bidding, master …"