- by Owen Morton
“Skeletor?” repeated Giles. “You’re the great evil that He-Man came to Earth to find all those years ago.”
“That’s right, you idiot,” Skeletor said. Giles looked askance at him, wondering exactly why he was being called an idiot, but then he remembered that Skeletor was evil, and evidently needed to demonstrate this somehow. “Now, where is He-Man?”
“Last seen, he’d captured Buffy and was probably taking her to Spike,” Xander said.
Giles turned and glared at him. “Xander, be quiet! Skeletor is evil, and we don’t need to give him any help.”
“Giles, He-Man’s pretty evil too,” Xander pointed out. “And since he’s the one trying to kill Buffy, I think –”
“Qui-et!” roared Skeletor.
Everyone looked at him rather dubiously.
“Where is He-Man?” Skeletor repeated.
Angel was the first to answer. “I’m guessing he’s gone to Spike’s factory hideout,” he said. “Come on, I’ll lead the way.”
“Angel –” said Giles, then realised he had absolutely no authority over the vampire. “Fine. Lead on then.”
“Get her, you muscle-bound moron,” Spike ordered, from the relative safety cowering behind a crate. Once again, his plan had gone almost completely wrong. Now he was trapped in the factory, along with an extremely angry Slayer, and He-Man, who was so intent on killing Buffy that it didn’t seem to matter to him how many vampires he killed in doing so. Spike began to wish that he didn’t keep coming up with such grandiose plans that were fated to fail.
He-Man paid him no heed, and raised his fist, prepared to smash Buffy into strawberry jam, when suddenly the door to the factory was opened unexpectedly from the outside, by way of someone knocking it down. Buffy staggered forward, rolled to avoid He-Man, and came up about five metres away from him, keeping a watchful eye on both him and the crate behind which Spike was hiding.
Through the door came, much to Buffy’s surprise, not Giles, Angel, Willow or Xander in an ill-conceived rescue attempt, but instead a skeleton dressed in bright blue and purple. Her eyes widened in surprise, especially when Giles, Angel, Willow and Xander did enter behind their strange new companion, Willow waving slightly apologetically towards her.
Spike was evidently also rather surprised. He stood up, clearly deciding that whoever this newcomer was, it wouldn’t do his dignity much to be discovered hiding behind a crate. He swaggered towards the action.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” he demanded.
Noticing that everybody there was glaring at him with undisguised hatred or contempt, even He-Man, he evidently decided that dignity be damned, he was going to stay safe, and retreated back to the crate, where he ducked down again and watched.
“So, He-Man, we meet again,” Skeletor announced.
“So we do, Skeletor,” He-Man retorted. He punched Skeletor once, very hard, and the latter flew out of the door.
Giles, Angel, Willow and Xander watched him go, their expressions displaying severe disappointment in their new ally.
Skeletor staggered back in the door, shaking his fist ineffectually at He-Man. “I’ll get you for this, He-Man!” he cried. “Next time, I’ll get you!”
Buffy breathed in deeply. This seemed to be even more stupid than the usual adventure she got involved in. Noticing that no one was paying much attention to her, she beckoned to her friends, who came over to her, attempting not to attract the attention of He-Man or Skeletor.
“Giles, what the hell is going on?” she demanded.
“Yeah, what’s happening?” joined in a British-accented voice from behind a nearby crate.
“This interestingly-attired fellow is, ah, Skeletor, He-Man’s nemesis,” Giles explained. “He’s the great evil that He-Man came to Earth to find.”
“And so what’s he doing here, now?” Buffy inquired.
“Ah, I’m not sure actually,” Giles said, apologetically.
“I’d guess that when Spike performed the ritual to raise He-Man, he also roused the dormant energy that was keeping Skeletor trapped,” Angel put in.
“Oh, so it’s all my fault, is it?” Spike said.
“Giles, can I stake him?” Buffy asked.
Giles shrugged. “Be my guest.”
Fortunately for Spike, their attention was diverted by He-Man and Skeletor, who were still engaged in trading insults. Skeletor had just pulled out some kind of device, and the sudden movement had worried Willow, who tugged on Giles’ sleeve.
“What’s Skeletor doing?” she asked.
Giles looked over at the megalomaniacal skeleton. “I don’t know,” he said, “but I think we’d better get out of here, before he activates whatever that is.”
He ushered Xander, Willow and Buffy towards the door, Angel following. Spike paused a few seconds to grab Drusilla’s wrist and followed after them, dragging Drusilla with him.
“And now, He-Man, I’m going back to Eternia to unlock the secrets of Castle Grayskull, and you won’t be able to stop me!” cackled Skeletor, evilly.
As the group outside the factory watched, a yellow light began to envelop Skeletor, presumably teleporting him back to Eternia.
“No!” cried He-Man, leaping at Skeletor. He too was caught in the yellow shimmering light, and seconds later, was gone.
Five accusing heads turned towards Spike, who merely nodded slowly, pursing his lips.
“Tell you what,” he said. “I’ll just bugger off now, and, well, see you later.”
He swiftly re-entered the factory, pulling Drusilla with him. Buffy made as if to follow him, but Angel and Giles both stopped her.
“I think we’ve had enough excitement for one night,” Giles told her, gently.
Buffy breathed in, deeply. “Fine. Just one thing. Why did He-Man suddenly lose his intent to kill me as soon as he saw Skeletor?”
“I would imagine that the sight of Skeletor reawakened his original memories, and destroyed the brainwashing the demons did on him,” Giles said.
“Okay,” said Buffy. “Now we’ve got that fairly gaping plot hole cleared up, can we go home now?”
The five of them set off away from the factory.
He-Man, back on Eternia, addressed nobody in particular. “In today’s adventure story, we learnt that attempting to mix characters from two very successful TV series’ in order to write a story is a really bad idea. Just remember that, and hopefully you’ll never be responsible for literary travesties such as this one. Until next time!”