It's probably around about time for a new article, as I'm sure all those avid readers of this website will agree. I've been busy the last two weeks, what with going to work and getting A level results and all. (By the way, I got B in English Literature, B in Psychology, B in History and A in General Studies, would you believe it? That means I've got into York University.) Anyway, this article is, as you could quite possibly guess from the heading, merely my favourite quotes from Buffy. I'll add to them as I watch, including my favourite quote from each episode. And sorry if I misquote slightly, but I am doing it from memory, okay?
Season 1:
The Witch:
Giles: Why would anyone want to kill Cordelia?
Willow: Well, maybe they met her.
The Pack:
Willow: [regarding Xander's being possessed by a hyena] Oh, why couldn't Xander have turned into a puppy, or some ducks?
Out of Mind, Out of Sight:
Giles: I've never heard of a baseball bat attacking anyone.
Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat.
Prophecy Girl:
Willow: So, how'd it go?
Xander: On a scale of 1 to 10, it sucked.
Season 2:
Some Assembly Required:
Giles: Perhaps we should give them the benefit of the doubt-
Buffy: Giles, I think that anyone who cuts up the bodies of dead little girls doesn't get the benefit of any doubt.
Inca Mummy Girl:
Giles: Well, I think we can rule out an ancient evil curse.
Buffy: One day, I'm going to live in a town where ancient evil curses are just ruled out without even saying.
Lie To Me:
Buffy: Hey, Ford, we're going to the Bronze - the local club - tonight. Wanna come?
Ford: Oh, er, yeah, sure. But I wouldn't be intruding?
Xander: Oh, only in the literal sense.
What's My Line, Part 1:
Cordelia: 'Are you willing to help your fellow man?' Check. Unless he's ugly or smelly or something icky.
Xander: Ah, Cordelia Chase. Always willing to help the rich and beautiful.
Cordelia: Which, lucky me, you are neither.
Xander: Is murder always a crime?
Bad Eggs:
Teacher: How many of us have suffered countless sleepless nights due to unwanted sexual feelings? [Xander's hand shoots up.] That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.
Surprise:
Xander: [re: an armour clad hand unattached to a body which tried to strangle Buffy] Well, that must be the Hellmouth's answer to the problem of what to get the Slayer who has everything.
Innocence:
Drusilla: We're going to destroy the world. Want to come?
Angelus: Nice idea, but I'm wanting more to destroy the Slayer.
Spike: Well, she's in the world. No problem there.
Phases:
Willow: I like you. You're nice, and funny, and you don't smoke, and, okay, you're a werewolf, but that's okay. I mean, three days out of the month I'm not that much fun to be around either.
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered:
Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Amy: I never said blackmail.
Xander: Yeah, but since I'm going to blackmail you now, I thought I might as well bring it up.
Passion:
Angelus: Well, next time I'll bring you along with me, Spike. [referring to Spike's wheelchair] Maybe if I need to find a disabled parking space.
Killed by Death:
Xander: Cordy, you should go with Giles.
Giles: What? Why do I have to have -? Yes, good idea, I could use a research assistant.
Cordelia: Let's go, Tact Guy.
Go Fish:
Buffy: I think we ought to lock the rest of the team up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.
Becoming, Part 1:
[Angelus and Drusilla have stolen a demon which is entombed in rock. Spike takes one look at it and says:]
Spike: It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
Becoming, Part 2:
Xander: Giles! Come on, let's go.
Giles: You're an illusion. They're just showing me things I want to see.
Xander: Why would they show you me?
Giles: You're right. Let's go.
Season 3:
Anne:
Ken: My face! Have you any idea how long it takes to glue that face on?
Homecoming:
Giles: Hm. I suspect the finger food contains actual fingers.
Band Candy:
Xander: I don't get it. This band candy makes everyone act really immaturely, but I've eaten tons of it and it hasn't made a diff-
Amends:
Buffy: Hi, Angel. Shopping? ... Vampires probably not that big on Christmas, now that I think about it.
Angel: Not as a rule, no.
[I realise this isn't that good, but then neither is the episode]
Gingerbread:
Xander: Fairy tales are real?
Giles: Yes, Xander. Now, what are we going to do about it?
Xander: Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to go trade in my cow for some magic beans.
The Zeppo:
Buffy: You remember the monster that rose from the Hellmouth?
Willow: You kidding? It's in every nightmare I have that doesn't involve academic failure or public nudity. Though there was this one where it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
Bad Girls:
Wesley: [exasperated] How do you operate around here?
Buffy: Giles tells me what to kill, and I kill it. Then he gives me a cookie.
Doppelgangland:
Willow: I don't like the evil me. I'm so mean. And skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.
Buffy: Don't worry, Will. A vampire's personality bears no resemblance to the personality of the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually [Buffy glares at him] ... that's a good point.
The Prom:
Anya: I know you like me. I've seen you staring at my breasts.
Xander: Well, nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it generally means he's got his eyes open.
Season 4:
Fear Itself:
Buffy: Let's be truthful about it, Will. Your magic is really only fifty-fifty.
Willow: Yeah? Well - so's your face!
Buffy: ... What?
Beer Bad:
Bartender: I put a chemical in the beer which makes people regress to stone age personalities.
Xander: Why?
Bartender: I'm fed up with the students. Teach 'em a lesson.
Xander: I've got to find Buffy. [leaves. Pause. He returns.] You're a bad, bad man. [leaves again]
Wild at Heart:
Buffy: I wish I could have some intelligent opposition.
Spike: [out of Buffy's sight] Be careful what you wish for, Slayer. Because the Big Bad is back, and this time - [gets shot in the back and is dragged away]
The Initiative:
[Apologies for the length of this one, it's just so funny. Spike has just discovered that he is unable to bite anyone, having just attempted to bite Willow. Now, Willow is lying on her bed, with Spike sitting there looking morose. Obviously, the whole thing sounds like Willow and Spike are lovers, and Spike is impotent. Oh, and this one isn't from memory. I'm not that sad.]
Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when we started. Let's try again. [tries to bite Willow] Grr! Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me, it doesn't!
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around.
Spike: Piffle!
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "Oh, you're like a sister to me," or, "Oh, you're such a good friend."
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: Really?
Spike: Thought about it.
Willow: When?
Spike: Remember last year? You had on that... fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
Spike: I hate being obvious. All fangy and "grr!" Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could...
Spike: If I could, yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me! ... this shouldn't be happening. I'm only 126!
Willow: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again?
Something Blue:
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
Hush:
[Not strictly a quote, on account of this episode largely being in silence, but ...]
Xander realises he can't speak and in a blind panic he telephones Buffy. Buffy picks up the phone at the other end to find she can't talk either. Xander, after frantically trying to talk into the phone, realises the stupidity of his actions. Sheepishly, he puts the phone down, and turns to look at Spike. The look on Spike's face is simply priceless.
Doomed:
Riley: Do I know you?
Spike: [attempting an American accent] No, I'm just an old paal of Xanderrr's here.
A New Man:
Giles: [to himself, after waiting for a demon to rise] Might as well go, nothing's going to happen here tonight. [leaves]
Ethan Rayne: [stepping out of shadows] Wouldn't say that, Ripper. Something big is going to happen here this evening. In fact -
Giles: [returning] Is there someone here?
Ethan Rayne: Oh, bugger. I thought you'd gone.
The 'I' In Team:
Spike: You've got to help me!
Giles: And just why should we?
Spike: [referring to last week] Because I helped you.
Giles: And you did that just out of "the evilness of your heart"?
Spike: Hell, no. I made you pay me. [off Giles' look] You bastard.
Goodbye Iowa:
Xander: Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers!
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander: Oh, thank God.
Superstar:
Riley: Do these spells really work? You can really turn your enemies inside out or excrete gold coins?
Anya: That was not fun.
Willow: You have to be in 'tune' to do it, though, Riley.
Xander: Yeah, you can't just say [reads from his book] 'Librum incendare' and - [book bursts into flames] Aarggh!
Giles: Don't speak Latin around the books, Xander.
Where The Wild Things Are:
Xander: We've got to go back in there and rescue Buffy. Who's coming with me?
[Pause]
Spike: I am. I know I'm not first choice for heroics - and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once - and I don't fancy a single one of you all - but ... [Pause] Actually, that all sounded pretty convincing. [Walks off]
New Moon Rising:
Giles: How did you get in?
Spike: The door was unlocked. You want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or, someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.
The Yoko Factor:
Buffy: What the hell are you playing at? I come to LA to help you, and you just treat me like I'm your ex!
Angel: Well, technically -
Buffy: Shut up!
Primeval:
Spike: There! Killed the demon for you.
Giles: Thank you. Though your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you helped Adam start a war that was intended to kill us all.
Xander: He's probably only saved us so we didn't stake him here and now.
Spike: Well, yeah. Did it work? [no one answers; Spike takes it as a 'yes'] Excellent. Well, we're all well and happy not to be staked. Well done, team!
Season 5:
Buffy vs. Dracula:
Riley: What can you tell me about Dracula?
Spike: Poncy bugger still owes me eleven quid, for one thing.
Real Me:
Spike: So, these are your ... minions, are they?
Harmony: Oh, yeah! Spike, this is Mort. Mort, this is -
Mort: I know who he is. He kills our kind.
Harmony: Oh, yeah! What's up with that, Spike?
Spike: Guy's gotta have a hobby, doesn't he? [very casually] Piss off, Mort.
The Replacement:
[Xander has been split into two by a demon, and the gang works out that if either gets killed, the other dies as well. Unfortunately, neither Xander knows this and they are trying to kill one another.]
Buffy: If Xander kills himself, he's dead! [Pause] You know what I mean.
No Place Like Home:
Giles: Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?
Xander: Would that involve moving?
Willow: My feet are numb.
Xander: I'll see your numbness and raise you a lower back pain.
Giles: I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.
Shadow:
Riley enters Buffy's bedroom to find Spike sniffing her sweater.
Riley: What the hell are you doing in here?
Spike: Uh ... uh ... well, what are you doing here?
Riley: I'm looking for the girl who's gonna rip your arms off when she finds out you were sniffing her sweater.
Spike: Oh yeah? Me too!
Listening to Fear:
Xander: [re: patrolling] Not so much a big success night for me. But I think I should get points just for showing up. Unlike some Riley Finn who shall remain nameless.
Into the Woods:
Anya: [to Xander, re: Willow] Okay, take her side. Even though I'm the one who sleeps with you, feeds you, bathes you -
Willow: She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y kind of way, not in a sponge-bath, geriatric kind of -
Giles: Stop, please! I beg of you.
Triangle:
Troll: I want to eat some babies! Where can I find babies?
Spike: [to Xander] You think the hospital?
Xander: Wha-? Shut up!
Checkpoint:
Buffy: Spike, you're the only one strong enough to protect them.
Spike: Why? The Watchers' Council didn't put a chip in your head, did they?
Buffy: No.
Spike: Be funny if they did.
Blood Ties:
Dawn: You're not bad. You're lurking around Buffy's house with a damaged box of chocolates, while I'm -
Spike: You're what? Sneaking out to watch Teletubbies?
Crush:
Buffy: What is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask! Is this a date?
Spike: A d— please! A date! You are completely off your bird! I mean— [changes tone] Do you want it to be?
The Body:
Dawn: I've kinda realised the whole Santa thing isn't true.
Anya: Oh, it is. I've been around for a thousand years and I know it's all true.
Dawn: All of it?
Anya: Yes. Except he didn't used to bring presents, more sort of disembowel children ...
Intervention:
Willow: [to the Buffy robot created by Spike, thinking it is the real Buffy, after having seen said robot making love to Spike] Buffy, we know you go for vampires. But Spike? Angel was different ...
Buffy robot: [clearly saying what Spike has told it to say] Angel's lame. His hair sticks up and he's bloody stupid.
Spiral:
Glory: So, Slayer. Any last words?
Buffy: Just one: truck.
[A truck runs Glory over.]
Season 6:
Bargaining, Part 1:
Willow: The last Urn of Osiris ... where did you get it?
Anya: Eventually tracked it down on E-Bay.
Tara: You found the last Urn of Osiris on E-Bay?
Anya: Oh, yeah. Cost a bundle, too. But the guy selling it did agree to toss in a Backstreet Boys lunchbox for - [Xander coughs indiscreetly] - a friend.
After Life:
Anya: Here we go. Coffee for you, coffee for you, coffee for me, and a hot chocolate for you, Dawn. I thought that's what you'd want.
Dawn: [demonically possessed and talking about something else] Idiot! Did you think you were helping?
Anya: ... You can have my coffee.
Tabula Rasa:
Spike: You called me Randy Giles? I knew I must hate you! Why not just call me Horny Giles or Desperate-For-A-Shag Giles?
Smashed:
Spike: We kissed, Buffy.
Buffy: Yes ... I know, Spike, but when I kissed you, I was thinking about Giles.
Spike: Ugh! You know, I always wondered about you two!
Dead Things:
Buffy: Where are you going?
Dawn: I'm staying over at Janice's tonight.
Buffy: And I'm going to fall for that one again because of the surprise lobotomy?
Older And Far Away:
Buffy: [to Spike, angrily] We do not make jokes about eating people in this house!
Hell's Bells:
Buffy: I like your girlfriend. She's very ... obviously an attempt to make me jealous.
Spike: Is it working?
Buffy: Well ... yeah. A little.
Spike: I'm sorry. [remembers himself] I mean, good!
Seeing Red:
Warren: Yeah, baby. Come to Daddy.
Xander: You know, it's think it's the reference to 'Daddy' that's putting these ladies off, because incest isn't all that sexy.
Two To Go:
Willow: I finally understand what you mean when you say being the Slayer isn't about killing. It's about power. And now ... I have the power to do whatever I want.
[A huge magical burst of energy sends her flying back. A distinctly pissed off looking Giles stands in the doorway.]
Giles: I'd like to contest that.
I realise this isn't a funny piece of dialogue, but it's a hell of a dramatic scene.
Season 7:
Beneath You:
Nancy: Is there anyone here who hasn't slept with one another?
[Xander and Spike exchange glances.]
Same Time, Same Place:
The gang is following Spike, whom they believe will lead them to a demon which flays people.
Spike: Here we are. End of the line, everybody off. [To Xander] Keep your ticket, mate, you'll need it.
Buffy: Spike, this is a rock face.
Xander: Give him credit, Buff, it might be a skin-eating rock face.
Showtime:
Anya: We met at the massacre several centuries ago.
Demon: I remember. You wore pink.
Anya: ... Those were entrails.
The Killer In Me:
Buffy: We need help, Spike. I'm going to use the phone.
Spike: Who you going to call? ... God, that phrase is never going to be usable again, is it?
Chosen:
Buffy: He was just saying hello!
Spike: Most people don't say hello with their tongues! ... Or ... maybe they do.