Freud said that dreams were "the royal road to the unconscious", by which he meant that all our unconscious desires and fears are represented in our dreams. Other psychologists suggest other theories for the purpose of dreams, but I can't remember any such theories right now. I mean, I took the exam in January and I barely knew the subject matter then. This page isn't going to be a dull lecture on the purpose of dreams. It's going to cut straight to the absurd nature of dreams, basically by giving examples from people I know, mainly me.
The first dream is one that I had on the night of the 23rd of June. I have no idea what it means, but I'm sure Freud would have a field day trying to work out some kind of meaning from it.
Dream #1: I was playing the computer game 'Thief' and in the game I was walking down a corridor. On the left was a door, so I opened it and inside were eight vampires, Spike of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' fame included. They all looked up and said, "Hi Owen!" so I unchained them, and we went out of the room again. By this time it wasn't a computer game anymore; it was as if it was really happening. We carried on down the corridor and when we came to an intersection, we met a man. He didn't really look like our schoolteacher Mr. Russell but I knew that he was. His movements were really smooth and precise, like a robot's. He said, "Ah, yes, your freedom is interesting, but it will last for only 23 minutes and 4 seconds." I shouted, "Run for it!" so me and the eight vampires ran down the corridor, which was now the Languages corridor at school. Mr. Russell followed us smoothly down the corridor, not even having to run to keep up with us. When we got to the double doors by the Post-16 computer room, there was a broom lying there, so I picked it up and put it through the handles of the doors, so Mr. Russell couldn't get to us. We stood there, looking through the glass at each other, and he held up his fists, and they turned into sledgehammers. He knocked the door down. I grabbed a cutlass and sliced him in half vertically. He split in two and fell to the ground, then he 'reformed' and came at us again. I kept slicing at him, cutting him into more pieces than a salami, but it didn't stop him. Then my friend Geoffrey grabbed my arm and said, "Owen, interesting as it is, we haven't got time for this!" so we ran away. Then I woke up.
Weird, huh? What can it possibly mean? My sister Lizzie bought a book a few years ago which offers to interpret the meaning of your dreams, but it takes the form of an A to Z of common things that appear in dreams. Thus it's not very useful because it only interprets dreams that are solely about, say, books or queens, or something. If you tried to use this book to interpret my dream above by looking up themes like 'computer', 'eight', 'vampires', 'teachers', 'school', 'being chased', 'fists that change into sledgehammers' and 'slicing people up with cutlasses', you get a clumsy mishmash. It suggests that, for computers, you are confirming your abilities and talents; for eight, eight is a lucky number symbolising money, so you'll get your reward soon; for vampires, someone you know is a drain on your energy; for teachers, you either need to teach someone something or you need to be taught something; for school, you need to learn an important lesson; for being chased, you have problems in real life. There is, unsurprisingly, no entry for the last two categories. So I have abilities and talents for which I will be rewarded, but someone is draining my energy. I need to learn an important lesson and I have problems. Thanks, book. The unstoppable nature of Mr. Russell is also perhaps an important clue. The problems I have are insurmountable. This gets better and better.
I think we'll forget about this for now and move on to the second dream. Then we'll try to interpret it using Lizzie's book. This dream is from the diseased mind of my cousin, Joseph, told in his own words.
Dream #2: There was a picture of a vintage car, with a cheery looking man sitting inside it leaning out of the window. All around were about seven little boys. Then it cut to a totally black 'screen' apart from an eye, which was moving all round it, and the sound of "Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha." repeated over and over in a monotonous tone.
That's Joseph's dream. He really is a strange little boy. Now, let's look up in Lizzie's book 'vintage car', 'cheerful man', 'seven', 'boys', 'black', 'eye' and 'Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.' Right, for vintage car, we get you've let things slip so you've got to improve yourself; there is no entry for 'cheerful man', 'cheerful' or 'man'; for seven, you should think about things more sensitively; for 'boys' there is no entry, and the one for 'children' is irrelevant; for black, you're going through a sad time in your life; for eye, you feel you're being watched, perhaps because you're frightened of being found out; and there is no entry for 'Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.' or 'laughter'. Right, then, Joseph. Your dream interpretation by Doctor Owen Morton and His Sister's Book is coming up.
You have to improve yourself and think about things more sensitively. You may be going through a bad time and you think someone may find out about your secret, whatever that may be. So watch out.
What utter drivel that book is capable of coming up with. Next, we'll move back to me, I think, with a dream I had last summer, featuring Joseph, his brother Matthew, the devil and a tub of margarine.
Dream #3: I was looking in on a scene wherein Joseph and Matthew were standing at the top of a hill. A devilish figure - or, probably more like Death, with his black hood and cloak, but without a scythe and holding a tub of Vitalite instead - was standing there with them. Without warning, he covered them in butter, and slid them down the hill, where they crashed into a wall.
I wonder what Lizzie's book will make of this one. Let's look up 'cousins', 'hill', 'Death', 'margarine' or 'butter' and 'wall', preferably with something about 'crashing' as well. Cousins is not there, and the things it offers for 'hill' are irrelevant. Death is apparently about a time of transformation, but neither margarine nor butter make an appearance. What it offers for 'wall' is not helpful either. Therefore, it seems I have the book stumped on that particular dream.
Lizzie, she who owns this wonderful book, is also good at coming up with stupid dreams. The one most often quoted is this:
Dream #4: I was on a train coming to Nottingham from Southport on my own. We went past a country house, and the scene changed so we were looking in on a room in this house. There were two dogs. One was the boss and the other was his sidekick. They had apparently been engaged in some sort of plot, but the sidekick had messed up somehow. The boss dog said, "Oh, tho you ate your daaawg lithenthe, did you?", at which point the scene returned to the train and I continued on my way.
I doubt the book's going to make much of this one either, but let's try 'train', 'country house' and 'lisping dogs'. A train journey suggests merely a reflection of Lizzie's current stage of life. A house represents Lizzie's mind and body. 'Lisping dogs' do not put in an appearance, but under dog, we find that vicious dogs (which presumably applies to dogs engaged in evil plots) represent someone unkind to you. As you can see, these three interpretations are totally useless when put together. It means absolutely nothing.
Before we finish for the evening, I'll put in another of Joseph's dreams. This one is very stupid.
Dream #5: I was in school and the teacher was doing the register. She called "Joseph" but I didn't answer. She called it again, and I still didn't reply. Then she said, "Right, Joseph Morton! It's the shark tank for you!" I then said, horrified, "No! Not the shark tank!", but I levitated towards the ceiling, where there was a shark tank. I passed through the glass, at which point the dream got so scary that I woke up.
Don't know what to make of this, and I suspect the book doesn't either. Never mind, let's do what we can to interpret it. Right, we'll look up 'school', 'teacher', 'shark' and 'levitation'. For school, we have, as above, you need to learn an important lesson; for teachers, you either need to teach someone something or you need to be taught something; 'sharks' regrettably are not included in the book (and what self-respecting dream interpretation book doesn't have an entry for sharks, anyway?); and the bit about flying is not relevant to the levitating aspect of Joseph's dream. Therefore, once again, we've had no helpful explanation for this dream. The only useful interpretations this stupid book has come up with are those for Dreams #1 and #2. And honestly, I don't think they're quite right.
So there you go. Dreams, and their interpretations. The moral of this story? Don't buy dream interpretation books.