- by Owen Morton
Since the primacy focus of this website would appear to be He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (and why not, I say), I thought that it's about time we studied an episode of the series in depth. This is, however, done completely from memory, without even consulting the He-Man and She-Ra Episode Review Site, and since I last saw the episode about nine months ago and have no further chances to ever see it again, given that the video it was on grew mould over the summer and had to be thrown away, there is possibly a mildly high level of inaccuracy. But since there's a relatively high chance that you've never seen the episode in question (or if you have, can remember even less about it than I can), I think it's likely you won't notice any such inaccuracies.
The episode chosen for this honour is the second season classic 'A Trip To Morainia'. This episode has not been chosen because of any redeeming virtues, on account of it not having any, more because it, along with the second season episode 'Disappearing Dragons' (a critique of which may appear at some point in the future), is the one which remains clearest in my memory. I'll start by giving a recap of the storyline, such as there was.
Prince Adam, Man-at-Arms, Teela, Orko, King Randor and Queen Marlena are in the throne room, where Man-at-Arms is testing his amazing new gadget, which allows him to tell where people are even when he's blindfolded, which will undoubtedly come in handy when he's playing one of those kinky sex games he almost certainly gets involved in. However, during the demonstration in which Man-at-Arms is blindfolded, the others play a trick on him by moving about, leading Man-at-Arms to believe the device is malfunctioning, thus leading an intelligent viewer to assume the gadget is only going to work if people stay stock still. Not very useful anyway, then, even in a kinky sex game. Anyway, after the demonstration, the viewscreen comes into operation and the King of Morainia (I forget his name, though I'm sure you agree it doesn't really matter) appears, asking Randor to send someone to collect some energy crystals and bring them back to the Palace. Randor decides to send Adam, Cringer and Orko.
Unfortunately, Skeletor has also, somehow, learnt about the energy crystals and decided that he wants them for himself. As Adam, Cringer and Orko drive along through the snow and blizzard in a blue vehicle that always reminded me inexplicably of the Mystery Machine of Scooby Doo fame, we are led to assume that Skeletor is directly responsible for Adam's bad driving which lands them in the bottom of a chasm. A giant spider also inhabits this chasm, and when it attacks them, Adam turns into He-Man and Cringer into Battle-Cat. The spider gets Battle-Cat and Orko cornered, while He-Man, instead of attacking the spider directly, performs a frankly impossible feat by punching a passageway through the walls of the chasm so he can attack the spider from the other side. He then imprisons it behind a sheet of ice which he has somehow acquired, then turns back into Adam, and they continue to Morainia.
At Morainia, they meet the King, as well as his son whose name I have also forgotten, and his daughter Janice. The son is the typical stuck up brat, while Janice is the also typical annoying little girl who has wonderful ideas that no one listens to. For some reason, the King doesn't give them the crystals right away, and so Adam, Cringer and Orko amuse themselves by playing in the snow, while the King and his son go to collect the crystals. Unfortunately, they come under attack from Beast-Man and Trapjaw, but the King is able to hypnotise them so they go away. But then Skeletor appears and kidnaps the King, though the son gets away. Back at Morainia, Skeletor appears and informs the ruling council that he will swap the King for the crystals, and that they have a time limit to think about it. The son takes charge and obviously has no decent ideas, and when Janice tries to tell him hers, he cleverly doesn't listen. Janice goes off to try her idea by herself.
Adam, Cringer and Orko see her as she goes off to try, and also see that she is being pursued by the terribly amusingly named Clawful, one of Skeletor's servants. Adam and Cringer change into He-Man and Battle-Cat respectively, then go off to the rescue. Clawful is easily beaten, and Janice explains that she is going to rescue her father. She shows He-Man where she thinks he is being held, and of course he is there and not in Snake Mountain or any number of much more secure locations. He is easily rescued, using one of Janice's ideas.
Meanwhile, back at Morainia, Skeletor reappears and tells the son that the time limit is up. When the son proclaims that he won't give up the crystals, Skeletor orders Beast-Man to smash down the door behind which the crystals are being kept, which is perhaps what he should have done in the first place, instead of messing about kidnapping the King. The crystals are in Skeletor's hands for mere seconds, however, before He-Man shows up and demands them back. And Skeletor actually gives them to him, then buggers off.
The moral of the story is that you should always listen to people, since they might have a really good idea. This was demonstrated in this episode with the fact that no one except for He-Man would listen to Janice, even though she had some really good ideas.
Good God, I really am quite sad to remember the whole thing in such detail, aren't I. I really need a life.
Next, I would like to make a few minor criticisms of the plot, and a few other things which don't quite come under the category of plot, but are close enough to not warrant the creation of another category. Firstly, what the hell was the point of the whole bit at the beginning with Man-at-Arms' stupid device? It didn't work very well anyway, since if you are in the dark and looking for someone, the gadget will only work if they are perfectly still, which is unlikely. But the real problem I have with this little bit of the script is that it's entirely pointless. You would logically expect that the gadget would come in handy later on in the episode, but we never see it again after the introduction. Basically, it was a completely pointless interlude that was inserted to make the episode the required length, instead of doing something sensible like making Skeletor's behaviour throughout make sense.
I'm not going to make too much of the fight with the giant spider, other than mention the fact that, like the bit above, it was quite obviously filler material. And why we see Skeletor cackling away into his crystal ball as if it's him who's responsible for Adam driving the Mystery Machine into the chasm is quite beyond me.
Next, I would like to question the bit when Beast-Man and Trapjaw try to kidnap the King and his son. Quite why the King and his son are walking down this deserted valley anyway, I don't know (I initially assumed it was because the crystals were down there, but it's later revealed that they are actually kept right next to the council table), and how Skeletor knew they were going to do so, again, I don't know. But at any rate, there they are, and there are also Beast-Man and Trapjaw, in disguise! As the King and his son walk past them, they are actually facing the walls of the valley, as if this will keep them from sight. And, to be fair, it seems to work. In real life, it would probably get them a swift chop to the kidneys, but hey, this is He-Man. What is quite amusing is the poorness of their disguises. In order to hide the fact that they are both patently non-human (Beast-Man being a creature covered in red fur, and Trapjaw some form of red, green and blue robot), they have put white bibs on. They genuinely expect the King to be fooled by this? And then, just to make the disguises bit even more pointless, they take the bibs off and throw them away before the King even sees them! I don't know, maybe I've missed the point. Perhaps they weren't disguises. Perhaps they were simply having their meals while they were facing the walls of the valley, and having finished, they decided to remove the bibs before getting on with the serious business of kidnapping the King.
Right, that's all I've got to say about that before it degenerates into a seriously sad rant.
The next bit that I call into question is something that I didn't make much of in my summary, because it was getting too long: the rescue of the King. First off, given the ease with which Skeletor can teleport around in this episode, why did he stick the King in some caves right next to Morainia instead of over in Snake Mountain or somewhere totally random that no one would ever think of searching? And, even if he wished to be so stupid as to leave the King next to his own kingdom, why didn't he leave some guards? He has Beast-Man, Trapjaw and Clawful accompanying him on this little jaunt. Granted, he may know from past experience that none of these is likely to be remotely helpful in the event they actually have to do something (their performance to this point in this episode alone is particularly poor), but if he's going by past experience, he should know that he's not going to win anyway, so he shouldn't be bothering trying to get the crystals in the first place. And lastly, he tries to make it difficult for any potential rescuers by putting the King on a little outcropping of rock on the other side of a chasm which cannot possibly be crossed, unless you happen to have a rope and Orko with you. Skeletor should know by this point that Orko is with He-Man on this particular excursion, and with this in mind, it cannot possibly be explained why he should choose to leave a rope handily lying around in the caves. It is similarly difficult to explain why this rope only appears in the close-up shots and not in the long shots, but that's really quite sad to point it out.
Lastly, I would like to talk about the extremely unsatisfying conclusion to the episode. Skeletor, Beast-Man and Trapjaw appear at the council table and demand the crystals. The son shows exactly how much he loves his father by stating that he won't give the crystals to Skeletor, even though it'll get his father back. Then Skeletor orders Beast-Man to kick down a door, behind which are the crystals. As I stated above, quite why Skeletor felt it necessary to bugger about kidnapping the King in the first place instead of just grabbing the crystals in this manner and get out of there before He-Man even had a chance to get to Morainia, I don't know. Maybe he likes to give the opposition a sporting chance. Though you'd think by now he'd have got the balance right on this particular score: to give the opposition a sporting chance, you don't have to let them win. Further evidence of his extreme stupidity on this point comes almost immediately. I quote, or more accurately paraphrase, the dialogue:
SKELETOR: [taking crystals] The crystals! And they're all mine! Ha ha ha ha ha!
HE-MAN: [appearing behind him] Not so fast, Skeletor.
SKELETOR: Oh, so it's you again, He-Man! Well, you may have got the crystals but you'll never get me!
[Skeletor throws the crystals to He-Man and then runs, followed by Beast-Man and Trapjaw, into a big glowing yellow portal, which teleports them elsewhere and presumably safely back to Snake Mountain.]
Do you see what's stupid here? Having claimed the crystals, Skeletor encounters the slightest bit of resistance (I mean, the phrase "Not so fast, Skeletor" is hardly enough to make me start quaking in my boots, and I sincerely doubt it would even if I were Skeletor) and gives up immediately! Moreover, he actually makes the effort to throw the crystals to He-Man, when it would blatantly be much easier, and more productive, to run along with them and carry them into his teleporter! Duh!
Frankly, I have to conclude that in this instance, He-Man only won because Skeletor was so bloody stupid. If he'd been cleverer, he could have had the crystals back in Snake Mountain before the commercial break, instead of messing about kidnapping monarchs and imposing pointless time limits. And then we could have been treated to an episode where He-Man had to break into Snake Mountain to get the crystals back, using one of Janice's ideas to do so, of course, so we could still have the incredibly important moral segment at the end. On the other hand, maybe Skeletor didn't want Snake Mountain trashed up by He-Man and his mob rampaging all the way through it looking for the crystals, because, let's face it, security at Snake Mountain is rather lax at the best of times. I mean, all He-Man has to do to get in is, as a general rule, walk in through the main entranceway, or, if he's feeling particularly violent, knock down a wall or two. But I'm digressing now. My conclusion is that 'A Trip To Morainia' is an episode in which Skeletor could easily have won but chose not to. Proof, therefore, that he is a goody at heart.
And there you go. By writing 2300 words on this subject, I have conclusively proved that I need a life.