- by Sarah Corke, Claire Maddocks and Owen Morton
Okay, the level to which this will make sense outside of those who know anything about Matthew Paris is somewhat dubious, but here we go:
This is a tale of love, honour, treachery and monking:
Once upon a time in a monastery far far away, there lived a monk, and his name was Matthew Paris. One day, when going about his business in St Albans, he came across a dashing young earl, name of Richard, who rode through the gates on his fine white stallion. From the moment Matthew first set eyes on this fantastic specimen of an earl, his heart began to beat faster and faster, and he knew that for the first time, he was in love. For many years, Matthew thought that his feelings were reciprocated, and during these years, their friendship blossomed. Matthew tried to further the interests of his true love and sweetheart by denouncing the bad-mannered king, who had been bullying his gorgeous younger brother, and moreover disapproved of the special friendships he'd established with persons of a religious nature. Sadly, this noble earl was married to an evil witch, name of Isabella. Matthew thought his luck had changed when the wicked Isabella left this mortal coil, leaving the devastated (and almost certainly well-hung, if those breeches were anything to go by) Earl Richard in desperate need of comfort, warmth and religious guidance. But unfortunately, Richard was seduced by the evil enchantments of the Queen of Air and Darkness, otherwise known by her earthly name of Cynthia. Matthew was sent into a whirling chasm of despair, and sought solace in the bed of the gentle and kindly king of Norway, Haco. But alas, his commitment to monking forced him to return to England, where every inch of that fair country reminded him of his lost love, "Earl, Earl, Earl." His disappointment soon turned to anger and hatred, as Matthew spurned all the friendship Richard offered. But a change in Richard's circumstances led to Matthew reconsidering his options in relation to his unrequited love. Matthew decided a change of image would increase his chances of wooing back his former love. He lost some weight, had a haircut and bought a new pair of sandals (nice ones, mind, not the old tatty ones all the other monks wore). But all these changes were for naught (a monkish word meaning 'nothing'), and gradually the pain of knowing his true love was lost to him forever began to take a toll on his heart, and his health began to deteriorate. Within a few years, he was dead, his last words being, "Adieu, I die a painful and lonely death, adieu, monking, adieu, my sweet love, adieu, adieu, adieu."
[heart attack, chokes, dies]
Here ends this tragic tale of woe,
Of Matthew Paris, Richard and Haco.