- by Owen Morton
I don’t intend to make a regular practice of reviewing episodes of Enterprise – indeed, I don’t intend to ever do it again, unless I happen to catch one that reaches such tremendous heights of stupidity that I feel compelled to write a review – and I don’t really know why I’m doing it now, but I just thought I might as well, having seen the episode in question last night. Okay, the suggestion that it’s Enterprise’s latest episode is perhaps a trifle inaccurate, but it’s the latest one I’ve seen, and that’s all that matters to me.
Right. I missed the first fifteen minutes or so of this particular episode, so one can only hope that if I’d seen it, I might have understood what the hell was going on much better. I will confess that I’d only seen five other episodes of Enterprise before this one – if you count the pilot as two, that is – but I think I’ve reached a fairly decent idea of who the characters are (apart from the British one and the one with the deep south accent, who look so alike that I get very confused) and have also figured out what the standard plotline is: one or two members of the crew (usually Captain Archer) get captured, and sit about making futile attempts to escape before being rescued.
When I tuned in to Shadows of P’Jem, it seemed that this plotline was being repeated. Archer and his bundle of joy (i.e. T’Pol, the Vulcan, and the use of the phrase ‘bundle of joy’ was actually ironic) seemed to be in a prison cell, tied back to back with what appeared to be a large seatbelt, but probably wasn’t. Meanwhile, the crew of the Enterprise were circling a planet and receiving ransom demands from a group of aliens who – one assumes – were responsible for the kidnapping of Archer and T’Pol in the first place.
Then a Vulcan ship turns up and demands to speak to Archer. The man with the southern accent tells them that Archer and T’Pol have been kidnapped, and the Vulcans say that they’ll take it from there, given that T’Pol is their responsibility. Something which appeared to slip their minds is that Archer is still the Enterprise’s responsibility, is he not? Anyway, the man with the southern accent tells them, in so many words, to bugger off, as he seems to do whenever he sees a Vulcan. Hmm – southern accent and dislikes Vulcans. I wonder where we’ve seen that before in a previous incarnation of Star Trek?
Meanwhile, Archer and T’Pol are very cunningly twisting round and round in an attempt to free themselves from the oversized seatbelt. One suspects the scene is supposed to be erotically charged, given that they are rubbing their bodies against one another, but – and let’s be totally fair – it comes across as just a stupid attempt to add some sexual tension. But it doesn’t. Anyway, they do manage to get free, but blow their chances of escape pretty much immediately by attacking someone who puts them in a different kind of restraints, even more difficult ones to get loose from. These ones they sit there and try to bite through, but don’t. Then one of their captors enters and gives them a bowl of gruel each. Eating his as daintily as always, Archer discovers that – surprise, surprise! – his bowl also contains a little box with a flashing red light on it. He gets inordinately excited about this, given that it’s just an LED, but hey, when you’re in prison, you take what entertainment you can.
While this thrilling sequence is taking place, the two men who I can’t tell apart go down to the planet themselves, thus leaving themselves open to being kidnapped as well. And, oddly enough, this is precisely what happens. The scene opens with them walking along a street, and within ten seconds, people have shoved sacks over their heads and hauled them off to God knows where. Fortunately, however, it turns out that these are not the same persons as have kidnapped Archer and T’Pol. These are Andorians, who have antennae and blue face paint, whereas the ones who kidnapped the others are another alien race with a couple of bumps on their foreheads which is intended to emphasise that they are alien with the minimum of make-up effects.
Referring to events which I have no knowledge of – either because they occurred in this episode before I tuned in, or because they were in another episode entirely – the leader of the Andorians says that he owes Captain Archer a favour, and he doesn’t like it, so he’s going to help them bust Archer out of jail so he can get a good night’s sleep. That’s the phrase he uses. Quite how he knows Archer is in jail – or indeed what the Andorians are doing on this planet in the first place – is perhaps a matter for discussion another day. Or perhaps it’s a matter best ignored, by me if not by anybody else.
So okay, the Andorians are agreeing to help the British man and the man with the southern accent to rescue Archer. They just so happen to have an operative within the ranks of the people who’ve captured Archer and T’Pol, who has helpfully provided them with a map of the complex (and is also presumably responsible for smuggling the LED thing to Archer to keep him amused, though this is never explicitly stated). Then the British man uses his communicator to talk to Archer, and Archer replies through the LED thing. Thing is, how did the British man know that Archer had the LED thing? The Andorians never said so. And moreover, the British man doesn’t actually tell Archer anything particularly useful anyway: he just says that he and the other man are coming to rescue them.
Right, now it all gets silly. The two Andorians and the two men from the Enterprise run into the complex where Archer and T’Pol are being held and start shooting at everybody. Then, just as they’re getting somewhere, the Vulcans show up and start shooting as well. Basically, everyone seems to be shooting at everyone else, while the British man and the man with the southern accent sneak round the back and release Archer and T’Pol, then bring them back out into the main area bit. The Andorians and the Vulcans are arguing, and suddenly one of the other alien race – the one that kidnapped Archer and T’Pol – turns out to be not quite as dead as they all thought he was. He gets up and shoots at one of the Vulcans – but good old heroic T’Pol manages to move faster than light in order to get in between him and his target and takes the shot instead. Everybody present shoots the alien until he is as dead as everyone thought, then the Vulcans have an argument with Archer over who gets to provide medical care for T’Pol. Ever mindful of the need to allow Doctor Phlox to appear in at least one scene in each episode, Archer wins the argument.
Then we have a scene in sickbay where it turns out that the Vulcans had recalled T’Pol to stop working on the Enterprise – first I’d heard of it, though I suppose it could have been revealed in the first bit of the episode – but Archer manages to persuade/blackmail/whatever the lead Vulcan into letting her stay. And everyone buggers off, rather happy with the way things turned out. Apart, of course, from this mysterious alien race who kidnapped Archer and T’Pol in the first place.
Which does lead me to the main question surrounding this episode. Who are these aliens, and why did they kidnap Archer and T’Pol? Okay, perhaps I’d have been benefited by seeing the start of the episode, but then – to go by previous Enterprise episodes (like the one where the big alien ship attacks them for no reason, so they build a big gun and celebrate the British man’s birthday), there is rarely an explanation for what the hell’s going on. Maybe they’re planning an explanation for it all somewhere down the line – but I’m not all that fussed about waiting around to find out. Anyway, the aliens. They demanded weapons from the Enterprise crew in exchange for Archer and T’Pol, and the Andorians claimed that if they got given the weapons, they’d then just kill their hostages. That’s all we ever know about them.
I’m inclined to dismiss this episode as badly written and badly acted as well – T’Pol especially is a rather wooden actress, though admittedly it is difficult to act well when you’re playing an emotionless character (if I were feeling uncharitable, I might suggest the reason that Spock was supposed to be emotionless was because he wasn’t a good enough actor to display emotion, but I’m not – and anyway, that explanation would imply that Kirk was a good enough actor to display emotion, which he most patently was not) – but then remembered that that goes for most of Star Trek. Most of Deep Space 9 was an exception to this rule – though even that series did have its moments of pure, unadulterated wood (Sisko’s attempts to portray anger, for example, were a joy to behold) – but the rest of Star Trek doesn’t do a lot for me. Which is why I’m perhaps being a little harsher than necessary on this episode of Enterprise.
But I still need two things explained to me: a) why, precisely, is the episode called Shadows of P’Jem? and b) apart from the accent itself, what is the difference between the British man and the man with the southern accent?