- by Owen Morton
POWER!
That’s right, power. You all want it, don’t you? Yes, even you in the back. Well, fortunately for all you small-minded would-be tyrants, I’m here to tell you how to get it. And it’s really very, very simple.
Before setting out on a great quest to achieve power, it is probably best to start by defining what power actually is. Otherwise, you might think you’ve got power, when in fact you haven’t, and you’ve got something else instead – something entirely inappropriate, like a Labrador or something. And there’s nothing less conducive to your eventual acquisition of power than your going round with a Labrador and claiming you’ve already got power. If you do that, you’re liable to be placed in a top-notch mental health care establishment, and, to the best of my all-encompassing knowledge, no one has ever made it from such a place to the positions of dictatorial power that we all crave, deep down. Or maybe not so deep down.
All right. So, what is Power? Well, one definition of it is that quality of Grayskull that Adam uses to turn into He-Man. This is, however, not a terribly useful definition of it, since that sort of power lies entirely in the realms of fiction. (Yes, He-Man is fiction, and – if I’m being totally honest – not very good fiction at that.) So, let’s leave He-Man out of this for now, and return to the more important question facing us today, which is ‘what is Power?’
Power is actually a rather difficult word to define. It’s oh so easy to list a lot of people who’ve had power in varying degrees, such as Charlemagne, Pope Alexander VI, Cilla Black, Lenin, Jesus, the man in the chippy down the road, and so on. But what is this mysterious quality that they have all had, known as Power? It’s a tricky question. Still, I am nothing if not useful, and so I intend to enlighten you all on the precise nature of Power. So here, without further delay, is my definition of Power:
Power is that quality which individuals wield over others in order to get them to do things that they don’t necessarily want to do, such as saying “Squeeb squerble” to a stupid-looking man with a Rottweiler.
Again, this might be regarded as a not particularly useful definition of Power, especially the second half of it, but since I’m the one who’s been intelligent enough to write this article, and you’re not, then it’s the one we’re going to go with for the duration of this little discussion, and perhaps beyond. Perhaps you’ll even accept it as your definition of Power that you will use for the rest of your lives. Perhaps not. It’s entirely up to you. That’s what being Powerful is all about: things being up to you.
All right, so now we’ve ascertained exactly what it is that you’re all trying to achieve. Before I let you in on the big secrets, though, we should perhaps note that – as mentioned above – there are in fact varying degrees of Power. For example, the man in the chippy down the road does not have as much power as Lenin did. Before we rush headlong into the tricky business of acquiring Power for each and every one of you, I think it’s necessary to work out exactly how much Power you actually want.
Now, I recognise this could be a tricky bit. It might well be that you all want Ultimate Power: you know, the kind which allows you to rule the entire universe without even having to snap your fingers. But, I warn you, while the secrets I am about to disclose are certainly potent enough to allow you to do just that, it will be very difficult for all of you to do it at the same time. This is because, although misery loves company, Power does not. Power is in fact a solitary thing. So I would counsel you, before embarking on the long and difficult road to Power, whether you really want to be alone your entire life, because that’s what’ll happen if you achieve Ultimate Power. So, if it does turn out that more than one of you wants Ultimate Power – you’ll have to fight it out between you. Don’t expect me to sort it out for you. Especially since, if you want Ultimate Power, it’s pretty pointless to have it if all you’re going to do is come running to a History student at York University every time you have a little problem, isn’t it?
So, let’s create some little categories of different levels of Power, in which you can slot yourselves and follow the instructions contained therein, to acquire the amount of Power you desire!
Level 1: No Power Whatsoever
This isn’t as easy as it might sound. Everyone has some Power, whether they like it or not. In fact, you could argue that the only way to have no Power would be to lock yourself away from everyone else to prevent yourself from ever exercising any form of Power over them. Unfortunately, the only result this would have would be to demonstrate your own Power over yourself: by making a conscious decision to stay away from everyone else, you’re showing your Power to do that. Ultimately, the only way to have no Power at all is to kill yourself – which you’re all quite welcome to do, in my book. Especially you. You know who I mean.
Level 2: Cowering Little Submissive
This is likely what those aiming at Level 1 will end up achieving, and it’s not necessarily such a bad compromise. It’s not where I’d like to be, admittedly, and it’s probably not where many of you would like to be either, but – let’s be frank – it’s where most of you deserve to be. To be a Cowering Little Submissive, just do everything anyone ever tells you to do and never tell anyone else to do anything. This will help you enormously along your road to your deserved destination.
Level 3: Leader Of The Local Church Youth Group
This is certainly a step up from the Cowering Little Submissive, but not by much really. Still, you will wield Power over a load of unfortunate brats whose parents are religious enough to believe that going to church youth groups constitutes either a) something that is good for you, or b) a good time. It is, as I can quite readily attest, neither. But that’s beside the point, really. If you want this sort of Power, where you will have Power over a bunch of kids who really don’t want to be there but will be utterly subordinate to everyone else you meet, all you have to do is apply to your local church and chances are you’ll be snapped up for the post. If you aren’t, I would recommend a long and fruitful career as a Cowering Little Submissive.
Level 4: Prime Minister
Some might express surprise at there being no intermediate stages in between Leader Of The Local Church Youth Group and Prime Minister, but, believe it or not, there really aren’t any. Basically, in this world, we’re all either Leaders Of The Local Church Youth Group or Prime Ministers, and if you’re the former, then you're probably wanting to be the latter. This section tells you how you can achieve it. To become Prime Minister, obviously you have to first become leader of a political party. That’s not as hard as it sounds. Either create your own party, with yourself as leader, of course, or join another party and threaten to kill them all unless you are made leader. You will be installed in your correct place before too long, I assure you. To become Prime Minister, the best way is to challenge the current Prime Minister to a game of darts, and when he accepts, shoot him. If he doesn’t accept, shoot him: it’s rude not to accept. In the ensuing chaos, install yourself securely as Prime Minister, and make sure you have a lot of loyal friends around to make sure no interfering bastards from the Criminal Investigation Department of Scotland Yard come snooping round. Voila! You are now Prime Minister, and as close to having Ultimate Power as you can be without actually having it!
Level 5: Ultimate Power
Well, this is the be-all and end-all of Power. If you get here, you can’t get more Powerful. That being the case, you’d logically expect it to be quite difficult to actually manage to get here. However, it’s not all that hard at all. Of course, to have Ultimate Power, you need to be God. BUT – as any right-thinking individual knows – God doesn’t exist. So, logically, to have Ultimate Power, you need to not exist. This is not the same as killing yourself as detailed in the section on No Power Whatsoever. If you just kill yourself in the hope of achieving Ultimate Power, you’re going to be sorely disappointed, and you will end up with No Power Whatsoever. No, to achieve Ultimate Power, you need to make sure you don’t exist, and you also need to be certain that you in fact never have existed at all. So, go through all the records pertaining to yourself, and destroy them or erase all references to you as necessary. Then kill everybody who ever knew you existed – and I mean everyone. This includes people who just walked past you once in your life and glanced at you. And people on TV as well – you can see them through that little box, so why should they be able to see you as well? To be on the safe side, it’s probably best to kill everyone. Once that’s done, you need to kill yourself in such a way that no trace of your existence will possibly be left. A big vat of something that will dissolve you entirely would probably do the trick. Once that’s been done, you will have Ultimate Power!
So what are you waiting for?
NB. It is well-documented that He-Man makes claims to being “the Most Powerful Man in the Universe”. However, since he has clearly not achieved Ultimate Power in the manner detailed above, this is patently not true – and anyway, I keep telling you, He-Man is fiction. Fiction! Pure fiction! Lies and slander!