Some More Advice About University!

- last updated 18th June 2002

- by Owen Morton

I seem to recall that back in October (October 15th if I'm not altogether mistaken) I wrote a rather pompous and irritating article that if I weren't firmly opposed to the suppression of information I might have removed from this website a long time ago. The purpose of the article I am referring to was to give those aspiring to go to university a couple of clues about what to expect, though as I remember it, I limited my discussion to a few random points which I believe included the ever-vital 'take a raincoat'. And thus it is that, as I approach the end of my first year here, I will now write another article about advice, this one focussing on what I have learnt.

1. If you have a Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine in your kitchen, look after it and make sure the non-stick stuff doesn't come off. If the non-stick stuff does come off, do not then attempt to use the Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine to make a cheese toastie by spreading butter on the outside of the sandwich and putting it in the machine, as you would in a normal sandwich maker. If you do this, the toastie will adhere securely to the machine and you will spend at least ten minutes scraping it off - probably under the watchful eye of the owner of the machine - and then feel compelled to eat it. This is never a pleasant experience, so just don't start this whole sequence of events.

2. Keep a camera handy. This is good because photo opportunities can come at any time. If I hadn't had my camera with me last night, I wouldn't have been able to be photographed holding a random girl who I'd never seen before and probably never will again. Moreover, I wouldn't have been able to take a photo of one of my friends asleep on the pavement, which is something I would have regretted for ever if the chance had passed me by.

3. Don't shoot people. Tempting as it may seem at the time, this is likely to land you in a whole lot of trouble.

4. Join societies. This will help you make friends with similar interests to yourself. However, if you go to York, don't join the Creative Writing Society - as they're quite considerably scary - the History Society - they don't do anything, so your £2 will have been wasted - the Chess Society - unless you're good at chess, which I am not - or the Cinematography Society if you are remotely likely to have lessons whenever they meet, thus making it impossible for you to ever go. These are all societies I joined and lessons I learnt. The Outdoor Society is fun, though, if only because it provides an opportunity for me to attempt to pull some girl who I have no chance with.

5. If you meet a member of the opposite sex to whom you are attracted and you discover that they have a boy/girlfriend, do not tell them how you feel. This was one of the most important lessons I learnt this year, and the person from whom I learnt it hasn't quite starting talking to me again yet.

6. Assess upon arrival the likely political stance of everybody on your corridor, then assume a stance diametrically opposed from them. If you are good at drawing, consider a few sketches of famous leaders from your chosen branch of politics, and stick them on your door. Lenin is always a good one. However, if you discover you are on a corridor with a lot of communists, don't take this article as implicit approval to stick Nazi propaganda all over the corridor. Conversely, if you are on a corridor with a lot of fascists, decorating your door with Soviet flags is possibly not the best plan you could come up with unless you want to find yourself lynched the first night they get pissed.

7. And on the subject, get pissed often. I haven't got pissed often enough this year. Mildly inebriated maybe, but utter pissedness just twice.

8. When you're supposed to be doing an essay, cover your floor with relevant books. That way, even if you don't do any work for ages, it looks like you've just stopped to take a break.

And that, my friends, is the sum of what I've learnt this year. Consider yourselves sensible if you don't take me up on very much of it.

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