From: miga
Subject: Fwd: Family
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2001
this message had been forwarded so many times by the time i got it that i could hardly find it in the text, so i fixed it up all nice again to mail it out to everybody. i don't usually go for inspirational/sentimental things, but this one has a good message in spite of all the cheese.
at first i was just going to send this to sakai... who i thought would appreciate it the most... but then i thought others might like it, and i shouldn't deprive them of it just because i was afraid they would think i was being silly.
so, here you go:
------------- FAMILY --------------------- I ran into a stranger as he passed by, "Oh excuse me please" was my reply. He said, "Please excuse me, too; I wasn't really watching for you." We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said good-bye. But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old. Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very still. When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown. He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken. While I lay awake that night in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, But the children you love, you seem to abuse. Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the door. Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue. He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, You never saw the tears that filled his little eyes." By this time, I was feeling very small, And then my tears began to fall. I quietly went and knelt by his bed; "Wake up, little one, wake up," I said. "Are these the flowers you picked for me?" He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree. I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue." I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way." He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway." I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family----an unwise investment indeed, don't you think?
Another mushie smilie - Gok :)
From: miga
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: Something for the "girls"]
Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2001
> >You've all probably seen this one (I know that I have) but it's a good one >to read again IMHO. You are all beautiful in my eyes! Take care! > >Regards, >Theresa > > > > ><< This is something we need to remember! >Did you know that it's Beautiful Woman Month? >Well, it is, and that means you and me. > >There are 3 billion women who don't look like >supermodels and only eight who do. > >Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14. > >If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all >fours due to her proportions. > >The average woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between >a 12-14. > >One out of every four college aged women has an >eating disorder. > >The models in the magazines are airbrushed - not >perfect! > >A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes >spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of >women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful. >Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the >average woman. > >Today they weigh 23% less. > >Beauty of a Woman: >The beauty of a woman >Is not in the clothes she wears >The figure that she carries >Or the way she combs her hair. > >The beauty of a woman >Must be seen from her eyes, >Because that is the doorway to her heart, >The place where love resides. > >The beauty of a woman >Is not in a facial mole, >But true beauty in a woman >Is reflected in her soul. > >It is the caring that she lovingly gives, >The passion that she shows, >The beauty of a woman >With passing years - only grows. > >An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without >her man is nothing," on >the blackboard and directed the >students to punctuate it correctly. > >The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." >The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is not- >hing." > >The Images of Mother > >4 YEARS OF AGE= My Mommy can do anything! >8 YEARS OF AGE= My Mom knows a lot! >12 YEARS OF AGE= My Mother doesn't really know >quite everything. >14 YEARS OF AGE= Naturally, Mother doesn't know >that, either. >16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old >fashioned >18 YEARS OF AGE= That old woman? She's way out of date. >25 YEARS OF AGE= Well, she might know a little >bit about it. >35 YEARS OF AGE= Before we decide, let's get >Mom's opinion. >45 YEARS OF AGE= ~= Wonder what Mom would have >thought about it? >65 YEARS OF AGE= ~= Wish I could talk it over with >Mom. > >Please send this to five phenomenal women today in >celebration of Women's History Month. If you do, >something good will >happen - You will boost another woman's sense of >well-being.
From: miga
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: How to shower....a little risque so be warned]
Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2001
> >I've seen this before, but if have to forward it again because it really and truly is hysterical! > >From: Sent: Wednesday, January 17, 2001 10:04 AM >Subject: How to shower.... > > >HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: > > > >1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to >lights and darks. > >2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along >the way, cover up any exposed areas. > >3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note--must do >more sit-ups. > >4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long >loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. > >5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. > >6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. > >7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural >avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. > >8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until >red. > >9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. > >10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off)! . > >11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it >waxed instead. > >12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water >pressure. > >13. Turn off shower. > >14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. > >15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair >in super absorbent second towel. > >16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs. > >17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on >head. > >18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and >then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. > > > >HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: > > > >1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a >pile. > >2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake >wiener at her making the woo-woo" sound. > >3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if >you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch >your ass. > >4. Get in the shower. > >5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). > >6. Wash your face. > >7. Wash your armpits. > >8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. > >9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. > >10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area. > >11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. > >12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). > >13. Make a shampoo Mohawk. > >14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again. > >15. Pee (in the shower). > >16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor >because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. > >17. Partially dry off. > >18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. > >19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. > >20. Leave bathroom fan and light on. > >21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your >wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound >again. > >22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. > >
From: Lara (purple)
Subject: Cats and Dogs
Date: Sat, 6 Jan 2001
Subject: Cats and Dogs
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.....I must be a god.
What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost you money.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me..... They must be gods.
What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They can never have enough toys and they leave them everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.
BWAHAHAHAHA! :) So great! - Gok
From: Bat'leth
Subject: Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001
Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
It is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close
any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of
your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal
your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in
novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm
happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and
then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your
co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who
won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after
taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the
transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into
walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time
apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of
their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck
can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real
thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation
during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a
holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of
exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but
in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her
simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
---------------
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a
lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard
enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong
move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to
stand trial for who-knows what. This could only add to performance
anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and
what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.
Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day.
If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If
somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent
human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a
human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a
tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg,
I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set.
That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg
concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think
you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
Shields
---------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to
my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if
I also had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta hit you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan
for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You
could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport
yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in
his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered
him, and that means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such
thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were.
That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the
Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
:) :) :) :) Are you grinning yet? :) :) :) :) :) - Gok
Date: Sat, 6 Jan 2001
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: (no subject)
#@#@#@#@
What nationality are you if you're in bathroom taking a leak?
EUROPEAN!
Subject: Fw: (no subject)
> > > > >A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, > >balding man standing at the counter methodically placing > >"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over > >them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying > >scent all over them. > > > >His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the > >balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm > >sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" > > > >"But why?" asks the man. > > > >"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. > > > > > >
Subject: Fw: The Photographer
Ilana
#@#@#@#@
What nationality are you if you're in bathroom taking a leak?
EUROPEAN!
----- Original Message -----
Subject: Fw: The Photographer
>The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon".
> >Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby >photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
> >"Good morning, madam. I've come to...." > >"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. >
>"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."
> >"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
> >After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" >
>"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too, you can really spread out!"
> >"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
> >"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."
> >"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
> >"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
> >"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.
> >The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
> >"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
> >"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
> >"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
> >"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
> >"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
> >"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
> >Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um.. equipment ?"
> >"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
> >"Tripod??"
>"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted."
> >
Date: Wed, Jan 17 2001
Subject: Euro English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and
keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of
the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the
horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it
should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o"
be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors
be aplid to oza kombinations of letas.
After ziz fifz yer ve vil have a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu anderstand
ech oza. Ze drem of an united urop vil finali kum tru!
Date: Wed, Jan 17 2001
Subject: Bumper Stickers
<< He who laughs last, thinks slowest. > > > > > > Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. > > > > > > A day without sunshine is like, well, night. > > > > > > On the other hand, you have different fingers. > > > > > > Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. > > > > > > I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. > > > > > > When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. > > > > > > Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. > > > > > > Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. > > > > > > I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. > > > > > > He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. > > > > > > You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will > > > be misquoted, then used against you. > > > > > > I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. > > > > > > Honk if you love peace and quiet. > > > > > > Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains > > > so popular? > > > > > > Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. > > > > > > It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial > > > cost and blamed it on the cost of living. > > > > > > Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. > > > > > > The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of > > > getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll > > > get it wrong. > > > > > > It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end > > > to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. > > > > > > You can't have everything, where would you put it? > > > > > > Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of > > > the world's population. > > > > > > The things that come to those that wait may be the things > > > left by those who got there first. > > > > > > A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing > > > well. > > > > > > It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in > > > rats. > > > > > > Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. > > > > > > I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. > > > > > > I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. > > > > > > Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people > > > appear bright until you hear them speak. >
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001
Ah, I love it, I love it! Mind if I quote it? ;)
Go for CW. Here's the rest of it.
DEFINITION OF A BITCH.........
B - Babe
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2001
THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
Date: Sat, 20 Jan 2001
Date: Sun, 28 Jan 2001
Date: Sun, 28 Jan 2001
Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2001
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001
POSSIBLY THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001
Subject: Blonde Ice Fishing
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001
*+*+*+*+*+
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001
Ouch!
If you're arab, leftie, or easily insulted by political nonsense, stop
reading now!
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001
We have been losing posts like nothin' since egroups was eaten by yahoo. Mine have totally vanished off the face of the planet, for starters. Anyways, that's the background you need to know (you could probably guess it on your own, though, right?) for this next one.
- Gok
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001
Other(Sorry but I forget who!)person: I'm getting empty emails and great big long huge ones, any ideas?
*Pinky voice, from Pinky and the Brain* Yes, Brain, but where are we going
to find a catapult big enough to sling Pak'Ma'Ra at the Yahoo headquarters?
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001
The Bare Facts
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting.
The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2001
Thought you would enjoy this!
Sharon
Top 10 Bulwer-Lytton Contest Winners
These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one
writes only the first line of a bad novel. (Victorian author Edward George
Bulwer-Lytton is famous - or is it infamous - for writing the novel that
began "It was a dark and stormy night.")
10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.
More chat list funny business . . . I won't even go into the comparative male anatomy discussion about Dolphins vs. Dogs. . . suffice it to say that I'm glad to know that there are (at least a few) ppl in this universe who are more warped than I. :) Thanks! - Gok
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2001
1st person: When are you leaving, Sharon, the list will go into mourning without you!
2nd person: Maybe we could just go into afternoon.
Yeah, or maybe late evening. I'm really not a mourning person, especially
since I cut down on my caffiene. *g*
(We is crazy, and loving it!)
Date: Sat, 3 Feb 2001
Date: Sat, 3 Feb 2001
Girls!!!!! READ THIS!!1 Very important!!!!!!!!!!
:-)
--
PLEASE READ THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR
BARS!!!!!!
Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
(You kindof had to be there for the next one . . . lol!) - Gok
Date: Sat, 3 Feb 2001
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 2001
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked
O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer,
and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But of solid character,
he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room.To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son.
We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's
head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were
celebrating.
O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and
the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his =
impending end.
He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends
gave O'Malley their
condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and
whispered his confusion. "Dad. I thought you said that you were dying
from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, " I don't want any of them sleeping with
your mother after I'm gone."
And finally, a frantically fun funny from a fabulous friend. :)
*unties her tongue* Blurgh. Anyways, here it is! - Gok
From: Miga
All of these apply to me! And I even hear myself saying "Those darn
teenagers! No respect for their elders!" LOL
From: Sharon
Sharon
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my
mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch entails raising my children to be strong people who have a
solid sense of personal and social responsibility, who are not afraid to
stand up for what they believe in and who love and respect themselves for
the beautiful beings they are.
Being a bitch means that I am free to be the wonderful creature that am,
with all my own intricacies, contradictions, quirks and beauty.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate
injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being
everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
I am proud to be a bitch! It means I have the courage and strength to allow
myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what
they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated, and determined. By God, I want what I want, and
there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every
ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And if that makes me a
bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: Before Computers
==================================
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut- you did with a pocket knife
Paste- you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
From: Cecilia
Subject: Spiritulism...
--
Cecilia
Lady Ariadne--webmistress
http://www.wildbadgers.net
--
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and
> reincarnation.
>
> They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to
> contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
> Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
>
> True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit
> world exactly 30 days later.
>
> At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear
> me?"
>
> A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
>
> Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
> "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most
> of the time."
>
> "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up
> before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making
> love
> until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until
> about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11
> p.m."
>
> Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
> "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
> "Well, then, where are you?"
> "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
From: "Dianne"
Subject: Fw: joke
> > A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on
> > what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
> > pauper."
> >
> > Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
> > advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
> > tie."
> >
> > Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
> > and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
> >
> > "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi.
> >
> > "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her
> > wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up
> > to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
> > advice: 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your
> > navel.
> >
> > The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with
> > the IRS?"
> >
> > "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Fw: A He Or She?
> > Subject: A He Or She?
> > >
> > > An English teacher was explaining to his students the
> > > concept of gender association in the English language.
> > > He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only
> > > female names, and how ships and planes were usually
> > > referred to as "she." One of the students raised her
> > > hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
> > >
> > > The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class
> > > into two groups: males in one, females in the other,
> > > and asked them to decide if a computer should be
> > > masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give
> > > four reasons for their recommendations.
> > >
> > > The group of women concluded that computers should be
> > > referred to as masculine because:
> > > 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn
> > > them on.
> > > 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
> > > 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
> > > but half the time, they ARE the problem.
> > > 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if
> > > you had waited a little longer, you could have had a
> > > better model.
> > >
> > > The men, on the other hand, decided that computers
> > > should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
> > > 1. No one but their creator understands their internal
> > > logic.
> > > 2. The native language they use to communicate with
> > > other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
> > > 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
> > > memory for later retrireview.
> > > 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
> > > yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories
> > > for it.
> > >
> > >
From: Cecilia
Subject: FW: A married man (very good!!)
>> >A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day.
>> their
>> >passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
>> made
>> >passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they
>> fell
>> asleep,
>> >awaking around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the
>> woman to
>> >take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
>> Mystified,
>> >she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
>>
>> >
>> >"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
>>
>> >
>> >"Darling", replied the man, "I can't tell a lie to you. I've been
>> having an
>> >affair with my secretary and we've having sex all afternoon. I fell
>> asleep
>> >and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
>> >
>> >The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
>> You've
>> been playing golf!
>> >
>>
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: POSSIBLY THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER
> >
> >
> > > A Chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
> > > leaning against theheadboard smoking a cigarette, with
> > > a satisfied smile on it's face.The egg, looking a bit
> > > pissed off, grabs the sheet , rolls over, and
> > > says"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
> > >
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT:Joke: Blonde Ice Fishing
> A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
> subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together,
she
> made for the nearest frozen lake.
>
> After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut
> in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE
> NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
>
> Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of
> cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the
> heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
> ICE!"
>
> The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite
> end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The
> voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
>
> She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
>
> The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY
> RINK."
>
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: God and Adam
"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."
--David Bissonette
>
> > >>> God and Adam...
>
> > >>> In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created
> man:
>
> > >>> God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
> > >>> Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?"
> > >>> God said, "Go down into that valley."
> > >>> And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
> > >>> And God explained it to him.
> > >>> Then God said, "Cross the river."
> > >>> And Adam said, "What's a river?"
> > >>> And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
> > >>> And Adam said, "What is a hill?"
> > >>> And God explained that to him.
> > >>> Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a
> cave."
>
> > >>> And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
> > >>> And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a
> > >>> Woman."
> > >>> And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
> > >>> So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
> > >>> And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
> > >>> So God explained to him.
> > >>> So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the
> > >>> hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen
> > minutes, Adam was back.
> > >>> God patiently replied, as He always does, "Yes... how can I help you?"
> > >>> And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
>
> --
>
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: I Q
>
> Subject: I Q
>
>
> >
> >Scoring guide:
> > 21 Correct - Genius
> > 17 Correct - Above Normal
> > 15 Correct - Normal
> > 8 Correct - Nincompoop
> > 6 Correct - Moron
> > 3 Correct - Idiot
> >
> > Questions
> > 1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
> >
> > 2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
> >
> > 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
> >
> >4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the
> > beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother.
> > How come?
> >
> >5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
> >
> > 6. How many outs are there in an inning?
> >
> > 7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's
> > sister? Why?
> >
> >8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins
> > the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain
> > this.
> >
> >9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
> >
> >10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides
> > have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is
> > the bear? Why?
> >
> > 11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do
> > you have?
> >
> >12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a
> > nickel. What are the coins?
> >
> >13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room
> > where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a
> > wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
> >
> > 14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
> >
> >15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one
> > every half hour. How long would the pills last?
> >
> >16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many
> > are left?
> >
> >17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the
> > ark?
> >
> >18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does
> he weigh?
> >
> > 19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
> >
> > 20. What was the President's name in 1950?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >****** Answers ****************
> >1. Yes
> >2. One
> >3. All of them (12)
> >4. The beggar is her sister.
> >5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
> >6. 6
> >7. No - because he is dead.
> >8. They aren't playing each other.
> >9. 70
> >10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
> >11. 2
> >12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
> >13. The match.
> >14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
> >15. 1 Hour
> >16. 9
> >17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
> >18. Meat
> >19. 12
> >20. Same as it is now.
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: The Bronze Rat
> A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he
> notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price
> tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
> He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
> "Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the
> owner. The man gave the man twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can
> keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he
> noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and
> began following him down the street.
> This was disconcerting, he began walking faster.
> But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to
> hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking
> around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing
> and coming toward him faster and faster.
> Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze
> rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all
> jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
> The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have
> come back for the story?"
> "No," said the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Arab".
>
From: Cecilia
Subject: My friend...hehehe
>
>This is so true...
>
>For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of reality.
>>
>>When you are sad.......... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
>>against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
>>
>>When you are blue.......... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
>>
>>When you smile......... I'll know you finally got some.
>>
>>When you are scared.......... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
>>
>>When you are worried.......... I will tell you horrible stories about how
>>much worse it could be and to quit whining.
>>
>>When you are confused.......... I will use little words to explain it to
>>your dumb ass.
>>
>>When you are sick.......... Stay away from me until you are well again,I
>>don't want whatever you have.
>>
>>When you fall.......... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
>>
>>This is my oath.......... I pledge till the end. Why you may
>>ask?.......... Because you're my friend.
>>
>>Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you
>only
>>have 2 friends, and one's not speaking to you right now anyway
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Joke: Pet Monkey
> > > A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
> > > and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the
> > > place.
> > >
> > > The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
> > > some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table,
> > > grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
> > >
> > > The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
> did?"
> > > The guy says, "No, what?"
> > >
> > > "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" says the
> > > bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He
> eats
> > > everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball
> > > and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
> > >
> > > Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
> > > him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
> > again.
> > >
> > > While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the
> > > bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
> > > The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
> > > now?"
> > >
> > > "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry
> > > up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
> > > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats
> > > everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
> > > measures everything first."
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: OT: Blackmail
> Little Leroy
> ------------
> Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
> His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
> his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
> Little Leroy was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble
> at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he
> deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course,
> thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy
> to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
> "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year.
> Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
> birthday." Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
> write God a letter.
>
> Letter 1
> Dear God,
> I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
> birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy
>
> Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy
> this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
>
> Letter 2
> Dear God,
> This is your friend Leroy. I have been a good boy this year and I would
> like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
> Your friend, Leroy.
>
> Leroy knew that this wasn't true either. So he tore up the letter and
> started again.
>
> Letter 3
> Dear God,
> I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for
> my birthday. Leroy.
>
> Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote a
> fourth letter.
>
> Letter 4
> God,
> I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be
> a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. PLEASE!!! Thank
> you, Leroy.
>
> Leroy knew, even if it were true, this letter was not going to get him a
> bike. Now, Leroy was very upset.
>
> He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
> Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.
> "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him. Leroy
> walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went
> into the church and up to the alter. He looked around to see if anyone
> was there.
> Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it
> under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the
> house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down
> with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to
> God.
>
> Letter 5
> God,
> I'VE GOT YOUR MA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!
> Signed, YOU KNOW WHO!!!!
From: Red Wulf
Subject: Fw: EMAZING Joke of the Day - Speeder
> Speeder
>
> Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed
> limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car
> was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so
> I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas
> pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the
> speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I
> decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got
> out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he
> said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I
> just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and
> I'll let you go."
>
> Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife
> ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser
> following me, I thought you were that cop and that you were
> trying to catch up with me to give her back!"
> Quote of the Day
>
> People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought
which they avoid.
> - Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
From: Brooke
Subject: Re: empty and BIG mail
-Brooke
From: Dianne
Subject: OT: Joke: Frank the Hunter
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his
shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear. The black bear said
"You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex."
Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and
shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood
right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've
got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally
recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and
shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there
From: Sharon
Subject: OT-Writing 'winners'
9. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.
8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue
eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for
competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied
description.
7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along
the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.
6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become
the woman he loved.
5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eking out a living at a local pet store.
4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often
do.
3. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
(BWAAHAAHAAHAA!) - Gok
2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of
the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the
eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS..
1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You
lied!"
From: Brooke (and a few other nutters . . .) :)
-Brooke
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: a joke
So this Arse (Israeli Guido) is out picking up chicks in Tel Aviv.
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather Nordic
looking blonde woman.
So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud
of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to
last as long as possible. He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over,
lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So .... you finish?"
After a slight pause she replies, "No."
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on
top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even
longer than the last... and this time completing the deed with even
louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So .... you
finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No."
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once
again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages
to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is
spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it
again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?"
To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."
From: Cecilia
Subject: FW: To my club-frequenting friends
Cecilia
Lady Ariadne--webmistress
http://www.wildbadgers.net
--
Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends.
And girlfriends, take heed. There is a new drug that is in liquid form.
The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce
their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It
goes by the street name "Beer." All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or
two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for
no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such
tactics.
Please! Forward this to everyone you know!
From: Sharon
Subject: RE: FW: To my club-frequenting friends
Oh Jesse! I'm sure it would take more than a beer or two. Now maybe a
couple of gin & tonics....
From: Cecilia
Subject: FW: Last days
Subject: Fw: Have You Grown Up?
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2001
> >26 signs that you've grown up:
> >________________________________
> >
> >a. Your potted plants stay alive.
> >b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
> >c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
> >d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
> >e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
> >f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
> >g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
> >h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
> >i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
> >j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door
> >don't know how to turn down the stereo.
> >k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
> >l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
> >m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
> >n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
> >o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
> >p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
> >q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of
> >one.
> >r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
> >s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and
> >pregnancy test kits.
> >t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
> >u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
> >v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, and
> >Ding Dongs.
> >w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
> >drink that much again."
> >x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
> >work.
> >y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
> >z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply
> >to you.
> >
> >