Two Thousand and One: A Laugh Odyssey part 2
Date: Wed, Feb 7 2001
We have been losing posts like nothin' since egroups was eaten by yahoo. Mine have totally vanished off the face of the planet, for starters. Anyways, that's the background you need to know (you could probably guess it on your own, though, right?) for this next one.
- Gok
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001
Subject: Re: empty and BIG mail
I'm getting empty emails and great big long huge ones, any ideas?
(Pinky voice, from Pinky and the Brain) Yes, Brain, but where are we going
to find a catapult big enough to sling Pak'Ma'Ra at the Yahoo headquarters?
-Brooke
From: Lara
Subject: Fwd: How do you decide who to marry
Date: Sat, 17 Feb 2001
Hehehe This made me laugh
> > > > > >HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? > > > You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10 > > > No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10 > > > > >WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? > > > Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10 > > > No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. > > > Freddie, age 6 > > > > >HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? > > > You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8 > > > > >WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? > > > Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8 > > > > >WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? > > > Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. > > > Lynnette, age 8 > > > On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 > > > > >WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? > > > I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. > > > Craig, age 9 > > > > >WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. Pam, age 7 > > > The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. > > > Curt, age 7 > > > The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8 > > > > >IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. > > > Theodore, age 8 > > > It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 > > > > >HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? > > > There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8 > > > > > >"And my #1 Favorite is........" > > > HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? > > > Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. > > > Ricky, age 10 > > > >
Date: Sat, 17 Feb 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: Fw:OT:Decline In Morals
> Decline In Morals > > Two ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern > world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said > one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" > > "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?" >Date: Sun, 18 Feb 2001
> > > GOOD: > > A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for > > speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he > > discovered the problem-a 10 year old boy was > > standing up the road with a hand painted sign > > which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer > > then found a young accomplice down the road with > > a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. > > (And we used to just sell lemonade.) > > > > BETTER: > > A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding > > through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket > > was included. Being cute, he sent the police > > department a picture of $40. The police responded > > with another mailed photo of Handcuffs. > > > > BEST: > > A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the > > motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping > > open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to > > sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball," > > He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." > > There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and > > he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his > > book, got back on his motorcycle and left. > > She was laughing too hard to start her car for several > > minutes.
Date: Sun, 18 Feb 2001
From: "Dianne"
> Subject: Fw: KICKING > > > > A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live > > > on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. > > > > > > "Not yet," said the little boy. > > > > > > His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until > > > he does his chores. > > > > > > Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the > > > chickens, and he kicks a chicken. > > > He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. > > > He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. > > > He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him > > > a bowl of dry cereal. > > > > > > "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I > > > have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. > > > > > > "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so > > > you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a > > > pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I > > > also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't > > > getting any milk." > > > > > > Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and > > > kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. > > > > > > The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and > > > says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" > > >
From: Miga
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: quickie]
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2001
Hehehe!
Subject: quickie
Bush wins the election. He and Dick Cheney are having lunch near the White
House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the
waitress and says, "Honey, could I have a quickie?" She's absolutely
horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would
bring a new era of "moral rectitude" to the White House. Now I see I was
wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off. Vice President
Cheney, leans over and sheepishly says, "George, I think it's
pronounced...QUICHE."
Lisa Marie
From: Miga
Subject: [Fwd: Philosophical, not religious]
Date: Wed, 21 Feb 2001
>> > Subject: This rocks >> > >> > >> > All the rocks in your life... >> > >> > >> > A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front >> > of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise >> > jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in >> > diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that >> > it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them >> > into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into >> > the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar >> > was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. >> > The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of >> > course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I >> > want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important >> > things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything >> > that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly >> > destroyed. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your >> > house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." >> > >> > "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the >> > pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your >> > energy and time on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things >> > that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to >> > your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. >> > Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean >> > the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks >> > first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." >> > >> >
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2001
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: (no subject)
> Subject: Fw: (no subject) > > Revenge with numbers... > > A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so > proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in > spite of her objections. > > One night they go to a party. The man decides that it`s time to go > home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He > shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?" > > His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back... > "Anytime you`re ready, Father of Four!" > > > ******************* > > Second opinion... > > One doctor husband and his wife are having a fight at breakfast table. > Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are not good in bed > either" and storms out of the house. > > After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and > rings her up. She comes to phone after many rings and irritated > husband says "What kept you so long to answer the phone"? > She says, "I was in bed." > He says, "In bed this late, doing what?" > "Getting a second opinion" she says. > -- >
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2001
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: jokes
> Two blondes are sitting in a bar and yelling out "158 days, 158 days!" > Then jug down their drinks. A man walks in and hears what their > saying, He asks them what's up with 158 days? The first blonde answers > "it took us 158 days to do a puzzle!". The second blonde adds" And on > the box it said 3-5 years!" > =================================================== > Safe Sex > ======== > A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to > walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To > which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, > son....Men use them to have safe sex." > "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in > health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a > package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." > The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one > for Saturday, and one for Sunday." > "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are > these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for > Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." > "WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE ?" he asks, picking up > a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. > One for January, one for February, one for March........" > =================================================== > A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the > dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he > examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he > made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever > seen! > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you > off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has > to be saved for posterity." And the coroner used his tools to remove > the dead man's schlong. > The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The > first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you > that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase. > "Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" > =================================================== > The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding > her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A > gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend > to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this > high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold > onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are > exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then > back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is > 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!" > ===================================================== > > Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90s > ---------------------------------------- > > * You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. > * You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. > * You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. > * You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He > e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" > * Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website. > * You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but > you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year. > * You didn't give your Valentine a card this year, but you posted one > for your e- mail buddies via a web page. > * You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if > it contains Echinacea. > * Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox, asking you to send her > a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. > * You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if > anyone is home. > * Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom > of the screen and you already have it book-marked. > * You buy a computer and a week later it is outdated, and now sells > for half price you paid. > * Using real cash, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is > foreign to you. > * Cleaning the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the > back seat of your car. > * Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not > have e-mail addresses. > * You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. > * Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. > * Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post-it notes. > *** You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. > > =================================================== > Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered > over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up > to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish > died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just > buried him." The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a > goldfish, isn't it Tim?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and > then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat." > ====================================== > > Convention > ---------- > > A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he > glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon > realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, > she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a > conversation, he blurted out, > "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. > I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago" He > swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen > sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! > Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your > business role at this convention?" > "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the > popular myths about sexuality." "Really, " he said, "what myths are > those?" > "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men > are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American > Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth > is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of > Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover > in all categories is the Southern redneck." > Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm > sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I > don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. > But my friends call me Bubba." > --
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: FW: Blonde joke
> > >>A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a > > >>flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying > > >>flowers. > > >> > > >>She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers > > >>again for no reason." > > >> > > >>The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you > > >>like getting flowers?" > > >> > > >>The brunette says, "Oh sure... but I just don't feel like spending > > >>the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air." > > >> > > >>The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: FW: He said, she said
He said... Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: Mens Rules Women Dont know
MEN'S RULES WOMEN DON'T KNOW: BUT NEED TO!
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine's Day are not quests to see if we find you the perfect gift. Accept a card.
5. If you ask a question you don't want to hear an honest answer to, don't ask in the first place.
6. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about and don't push it if you and he answers "nothing." That may be the correct answer. (See #5.)
8. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. [and don't talk during the game]
9. No, shopping is not a sport.
10. Anything you wear is fine as long as it doesn't make you look like a hooker, at least in public.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to buy it.
14. Your brother is an idiot, your ex is an idiot, and your dad is way past idiot.
15. Subtle hints are wasted. Ask for what you want.
16. No, he doesn't know know what 'special' day it is: mark the calendar.
17. Pissing standing up is more difficult than doing the same from point-blank range.
18. A headache every night is a medical problem. Consult your doctor.
19. Your Mom doesn't have to be OUR best friend.
20. Check the oil.
21. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. At least we'll know.
22. Anything we said 6 to 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All statements are null and void after 7 days tops!
23. Let us look at other women. If we don't how can we know how pretty you are?
24. Women wearing Wonderbras and low cut blouses automatically lose their right to complain about men staring at their tits.
25. The relationship is never going to be like was the first two months we dated.
26. Lastly, don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: Fw: OT: Foot In Mouth Disease
Here are Sport Commentators at their best:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball " (John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)
"and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..." (Sue Barker)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them........... Oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV commentator)
Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2001
From: Sharon
Subject: FW: Great lines from great women
Anyway these were too good to not share with you! Thanks so much for your support guys! You really *are* all incredibly neat!
Sharon
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. Janette Barber
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. -Jan King
A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling, "Hey, come back here with my breast!" -Linda Ellerbee
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first is hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley
Behind every successful woman ... is a substantial amount of coffee. -Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman ... is a basket of dirty laundry. -Sally
Forth
Date: Wed, 7 Mar 2001
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: Embarrassing Moments
> Subject: Fwd: Embarrassing Moments > > > > << The following are the top winners of a Most > > Embarrassing Moments > > Contest in the "New Woman Magazine": Lady Golfer > > > > >I was at the golf store comparing different kinds > > of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. > > After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the > > good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could > help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing > > with men's balls." > > > > > > > >Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI > > > >Nuts about You > > > > >My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a > > > >variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy > > > >behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, > > "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh > > hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked > away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. > > > > >Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD > > > > > > > >Curl Up and Die I walked into a hair salon with my husband and > > three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a > shampoo and a b**w job?" > > > > >Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX > > > > >Pad, please! > > > > >An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage > > > >insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I > > > >wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old > > son to run and get me a pad. > > > >He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front > > of our guest. > > > > > >Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC > > > > >Ho, Ho, Ho > > > > >I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came > > into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he > > made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few > > shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one > > with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called > > about the picture, laughing > > > >hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared > > > >at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my > > son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing > > nothing but a camera! > > > > > > > >Name Withheld > > > >Priceless > > > >One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" > > stories I've come > > > >upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up > > several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the > checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her > embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for > all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." > That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently > misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." a businesslike tone, a > voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN > WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" >
Date: Wed, 7 Mar 2001
From: Ilana
> > > New Drugs for Men > > > >> With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a > > > whole line of drugs > >> oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. > > > > > >> DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car > trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they > got lost compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions. > > > > > >> PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug > > > were far more likely to > >> actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. > > > > > >> CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, > > > overwhelming urge to > >> perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little accidents. > > > > > >> COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men > > administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. > > Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. > > > > > > BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men > > > reported a sudden urge to > > buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts > > > after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the > > > drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's > > > return limit. > > > > > > NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect > > > of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse > > > with other family members. > > > > > > CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious > >> about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. > Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture. > > > > > > > PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the > > > test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of > > > other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects > into special prosecutors. > > > > > > > LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than > > > truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be > > > available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. >
Date: Fri, 9 Mar 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: Feline Pearls of Wisdom?
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CAT IS OVERWEIGHT
* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
* Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
* Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken
branches.
* Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
* No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
* Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
* It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
* "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
* He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
* Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
* Has more chins than lives.
Cat language translation
Miaow - Feed me.
Meeow - Pet me.
Mrooww - I love you.
Miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the
hedge. Don't wait up.
Mrow - I feel like making noise.
Rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
Rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the
contents as far out of the box as was practical.
Miaowmiaow - Play with me.
Miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this
room?
Mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what
happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
Raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of
my anatomy.
Mrowwwww - (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some
of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both
arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt
to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
Mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat
him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.
Gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever
could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
Mow - Snuggling is a good idea.
Moww - Shedding is pretty good, too.
Mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry
until you removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! miaow! - I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge
his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled
with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
Mraakk! - Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
Ssssroww! - I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act
terribly brave.
Mmmmmmm - If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall
be satisfied.
How to give cat a pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just
visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water
to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's
mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece
of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour half-liter of water down
throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop
by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
What to do if you accidently kill your neighbors cat....
* Wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did it.
* Paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the middle so they
think that crazy Satanist did it.
* Throw the cat into your other neighbor's yard.
* Put the cat in a tree. Call the fire department and let them try to
explain it.
* Drive over the rest of the cats in the neighborhood and claim that you're
on a "Mission From God."
Bathing your cat for best results
1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.
4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of
sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.
5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.
6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because
kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up their ass.
7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.
* This is fiction - You couldn't get a man to scrub a toilet.
Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: jokes 4 the weekend
> sorry about the delay, but you're getting a load this time... > -------------------------------- > A well known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a stately > country home. When he was asked by a friend whether or not he'd had a > good time, he said, "If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the > wine as old as the chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs > maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have > been perfect." > -------------------------------- > On a vacation to Australia, a Texas farmer meets an Aussie farmer and > starts talking to him about his farm. The Aussie takes him to see his > big wheat field, but the Texan wasn't impressed. "We have wheat > fields that are twice as large as this one," he told the Aussie. > The Aussie farmer drives him around the ranch and shows off his big > herd of cattle. > "Oh, our longhorns are at least twice as big as these," the Texan > bragged. > The Aussie farmer is getting frustrated when the Texan notices a herd > of kangaroos hopping across a field. "What the heck are those?" he > asks. > The Aussie turns to him with an astonished look. "Don't you have any > grasshoppers in Texas?" > -------------------------------- > A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man > opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another > seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. > The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out > laughing, She > complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. > The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say > for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. > When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her > condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are > coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, > "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then > she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did > the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when > she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear > Rubber could have prevented this accident ... I just lost it." > -------------------------------- > A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and > listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, > God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." > > The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" > The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the > thing to do." > The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange > coincidence. > > A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her > prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and > good-bye grandma". > Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid > is in contact with the other side. > Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard he > say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into > shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go > to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and > watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he > would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at > the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at > his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he > breathed a sigh of relief and went home. > When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, > what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just > spent the worst day of my life." > She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what > happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!" > > -------------------------------- > > There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde > jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and > memorized all the state capitals. > > Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb > Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've > had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that > this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of > you could do...I memorized > all the state capitals." > > One of the guys said "I don't believe you." > > She said, "It's true. Just test me!" > > "Okay. What is the capital of Nevada," he asked? > > "N," she answered. > -------------------------------- > Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. > Suddenly, Steve falls off, and he is killed instantly. After the > ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have > to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive > stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. > After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you > tell her?" asks Jeff. > "Yep", replies Bob. > "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" > Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." > "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she > gave you a six-pack??" > "Sure," Bob says. > "WHY?" asks Jeff. > "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are > you Steve's widow?' > "Widow?", she said, "No, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!" > So I said, "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'" > -------------------------------- > > New Survivor Show > ================= > Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? > > * 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 > weeks > * Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes > * There is no access to fast food > * Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house > clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do > laundry, etc. > * The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and > all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is > no remote. > * The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must > apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. > * They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick > children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a > tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of > peas. > > * The kids vote them off based on performance > * The winner gets to go back to his job >
From: Lara
Subject: Pass this joke on to whomever you think'd get a laugh
Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001
I saw this joke on one of the games I get on.
A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question.
"What do two plus two equal?"
The statistician says "On average, four - give or take 10 percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question.
"What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to
the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
From: Miga
Subject: from joke-of-the-day
Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001
if you're subscribed to joke-of-the-day, then you've read this, but for anyone who's not subscribed... this is really funny...
HOW TO IRRITATE PEOPLE IN 16 EASY STEPS
1.During the lunchbreak, sit in a parked car and aim a hair-dryer at passing cars, just to see
them slow down.
2.Use the intercom to call yourself (do not change your voice)
3. Every time someone askes you something, you ask: "Do you want ketchup with it?"
4.Encourage your collegues to do the raindance with you every Wednesday
5. Take a wastebin, put it on our desk and write "Incoming mail" on it.
6. Develop a unnatural fear for staplers.
7. Use decaf in the coffeemachine for about three weeks. And when everyone has kicked off
caffeine, swith to espresso.
8. Answer everything anyone says with: "That's what you think."
9. Skip instead of walk
10. Ask people what gender they are.
11. Sing with the opera
12. Visit the poetry club and ask them why the don't rhyme.
13. Find out where your boss buys his outfits and buy the same. Wear it the day after your boss
did. This is extremely effective when your boss is not the same sex as you are
14. Hang a curtain around your desk
15. Tell your friend five days ahead that you won't come to their party because you're not in
the mood.
16. Ask people if they are pregnant.
Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: perpetual motion cat
SPEW warning. Please do not be comsuming edible or drinkable products while
reading this email!
--
An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner: (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system. ........and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients: I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p = s * t(t)/tc where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet. [This message contained attachments]
Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001
From: "Red Wulf wulf"
Subject: Soooooo Blonde
> > She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ...she took a ruler to bed to see > how > > >long she slept. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she thought > a > > >quarterback was a refund. ...she thought Boyz > > >II Men was a day care center. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ...she > > >thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ...she thought General > > >Motors was in the army. ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. > ...she > > >thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...under "education" on her > job > > >application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." She Was Soooooooooooooo > Blonde: > > > ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she spent 20 minutes looking > at > > >the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ...she told me to > > >meet her at the corner of "WALK"and "ONE WAY." ...at the bottom of the > > >application where it says "sign here,"she put "Sagittarius." ...she > asked > > >for a price check at the Dollar Store. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: > > >...she studied for a blood test. ...she thought she needed a token to > get > > >on "Soul Train." ...she sold the car for gas money! ...when she missed > > >the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she went to the > > >airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and > > >went home. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ...when she heard that 90% of > > >all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ...she thinks Taco Bell is > > >the Mexican phone company. ...if she spoke her mind, she'd be > speechless. > > >...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. > ...she > > >had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In > > >Front." [I thought the old gag was: she had tgif put on the inner soles > of > > >her shoes to remind her that Toes Go In First.]
Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2001
From: "Red Wulf wulf"
Subject: Re: [Tuzenor] Fw: Funny, not sappy
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and
fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"
****
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we
give him the money now, will he let us go?"
****
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
****
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to
collect all the money."
****
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all
the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way
his mother cooked.
****
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want
them to take me out when I'm dead.
****
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
****
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them
to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie
replied, "Because people are sleep."
****
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
baby-sitter."
****
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
****
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his
mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what was the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2001
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: - Psychiatric Hotline
> Psychiatric Hotline > > Submitted By: > Parkay4436 > > Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. > > If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. > > If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. > > If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. > > If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. > Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. > > If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will > tell you which number to press. > > If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. > No one will answer. > > If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. > > If you are phobic, don't press anything. > > If you are anal-retentive, please hold. >
Date: Sun, 1 Apr 2001
From: "M.L."
Subject: Re: Fw: - Psychiatric Hotline
If you are are on a perma-LSD trip,
press a fish