Date: Thu, 5 Apr 2001 From: "Garibaldi's Cat" Subject: OT:Very Silly Sales Pitch...might be offensive to some stiffs This is an answer to all those "penis enlarger" ads that have been flooding the Web lately. Not by me, a friend gave me permission to post this. -H- BEST RESULTS ALL NATURAL BUY NOW. MEN did you know that the penis can be used for peeing? MEN did you know that many men have a penis? MEN did you know that 99.9% of the male population has a penis under 3 feet in length. MEN did you know that I'm having treatment? [Wait, can we strike that part?] NOW YOU TO CAN SPEND MONEY ON AN ALL NATURAL DIETARY SUPPLEMENT THAT EMPTIES YOUR WALLET!!! 100% O' Naturale Skunk Juice has been used for centuries*. Now this time proven method can be yours for the introductory price which we'll discuss later*1. NO LONGER will you go unnoticed (and brother do we mean it!) LOOK AT WHAT YOU GET!! A 78rpm record of HARVEY KITEL singing love songs about William Shatner. 2 cassette tapes of PATRICK STEWART humming "My Bonnie lies 'o' the Ocean". 16 Stolen HOCKEY trophies. Dinner for 2 at ROGER EBERT'S house. (Bring your own food, don't stay long). A 8 x 10 Glossy of HARRISON FORD's 73' Chevy Vega. Friends NO LONGER will people look at your pants and snicker Friends NO LONGER will women gack at the thought of making bouncy bouncy with you. NOW With Skunk JUICE 2001 You WILL get noticed. [Trust us on that part] SEND ALL YOUR CASH TODAY! Write: Pointless Promotions LTd. The Point Vista Panther Club 666 Markothebeast Ln. C/O the Institute of going a bit red in Helsinki Wilson West SW1-445 * by skunks *1 All prices subject to change till the FBI finds us.
Date: Thu, 5 Apr 2001 From: "Garibaldi's Cat" Subject: OT: Bare Essentials... Don't read any further if you can't tell a joke from an attack on a people! Posted with kind permission by the author, Steel. -H- WILDLIFE WARNING !!!!!!! Tourists to Canada are being advised that after a long winter Canadians are once again emerging from their hibernation. During the winter months they will have lost up to half of their body weight and will be extremely hungry when they emerge in the Spring. Canadians can be very cunning in their attempts to get food, so please do not leave food scaps, unattended picnic baskets, or unwanted children within their reach. PLEASE do not feed the Canadians !!!!! The average Canadian is mild and good natured until he gets the taste of food, and then he will eat anything in sight. They are particularly fond of flapjacks and maple syrup, and can eat HUGE quantities of those items simply for breakfast. Canadians are not normally dangerous, but there are various Canadian repellents on the market, the most popular of which is an effigy of the Canadian Prime Minister. Many Canadians will run in sheer terror at the mere sight of such an image. Enjoy your stay in Canada, and remember, that althgough they might look cute and cuddly, Canadians are indeed wild creatures. The Minister for Canadian Tourism [This message contained attachments]
LOL!
Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 From: Cecilia Subject: FW: Yugo Q & A -----Original Message----- Q. How do you make a Yugo go faster? A. With a towtruck. Q. What do you call the shock absorbers inside a Yugo? A. Passengers. Q. How can you get a Yugo to do 60 miles an hour? A. Push it over a cliff. Q. Why were sidewalks invented? A. So Yugo owners would have a safe place to walk home Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo? A. Fill the gas tank. Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill? A. A Miracle! Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill? A: A mirage. Q. Why do Yugos have heated rear windows? A. To keep your hands warm when pushing in winter. Q. Why are all Yugo owners going to heaven? A. Because they've already been through hell. Q. What do you call a Yugo with dual exhaust? A. A wheelbarrow. Q. What's the difference between a Yugo and a golf ball? A. You can drive a golf ball 200 yards. Q. What's the difference between a Yugo and a shopping cart? A. A shopping cart is much easier to push. Q: What goes on pages 4 and 5 of the Yugo user's manual? A: The train & bus schedule. Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo? A: The driver wears Nike sneakers. Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster uphill? A: Throw out all the passengers. [This message contained attachments]
Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 Subject: something to think about Something to Think About ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is...having friends. At age 16, success is...having a driver's license. At age 20, success is...having sex. At age 35, success is...having money. At age 50, success is...having money. At age 60, success is...having sex. At age 70, success is...having a driver's license. At age 75, success is...having friends. At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants. [This message contained attachments] Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 Subject: the funeral The Funeral ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the f*cking wall!'' [This message contained attachments] Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 Subject: think about it Think About It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 01. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 02. I found the best way to get rid of a telemarketer. Ask them what they are wearing. 03. Why is it when snooty department stores put their Christmas decorations out just after the 4th of July, it's "elegant foresight", but when I leave my Christmas lights up until April, my neighbors just think I'm tacky? 04. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", does that make the Tennessee Titans "The Tits" ? 05. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards 06. A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally, they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way." 07. And then there's this dyslexic guy who walks into a bra... 08. THINK ABOUT IT: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it? Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 Subject: lost Lost ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Driving to a new restaurant, Jill took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" "I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving." Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 Subject: Dr. Suess on the golden years Dr. Seuss On The Golden Years ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I cannot see I cannot pee I cannot chew I cannot screw Oh My God What can I do? My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell My mood is bad--can you tell? My body's drooping Have trouble pooping The Golden Years have come at last The Golden Years can kiss my ass. [This message contained attachments] Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 Subject: Fw: New Japanese proverb: Subject: New Japanese proverb: Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he gets hit by a nuclear submarine [This message contained attachments]
- all above sent to B5RS by K. Bramley. Thank you! :)
Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 Subject: Re: Fw: New Japanese proverb: My grandads Proverb What doesn't kill you Can really piss you off. Jesse _________________
Date: Mon, 16 Apr 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: I found a Top-10 list for Junkyard Wars!
Being a die hard Junkyard Wars fan (for those in the UK Scrapheap wars) and one who detests Survivor!...
Ten reasons why being on "Junkyard Wars" is better than being on "Survivor":
10 - You don't have to eat rats. You don't even have to catch rats. Rats fear you. So does everyone and everything else.
9 - Your torch isn't from Pier 1 Imports. It's made by Airco and it can slice a railroad rail in half quicker than you can say "Mind The Gap."
8 - You drive cool 4-wheel ATVs as fast as you dare.
7 - Forget the bathing suit. You get issued flame-resistant flight suits, two-way radios, safety goggles, and a Leatherman.
6 - After 10 hours of unbelievably intense physical and mental effort, you get cold beer, hot showers, and rooms with real beds.
5 - Which would _you_ rather play with: a fish-hook made from a rusty paper clip, or a 50-ton Caterpillar excavator/dredge?
4 - A camera worthy incident isn't your decision to share the fish you caught. A camera worthy incident is cutting a Land Rover in half.
3 - Somebody else cleans up whatever mess you make. Even the holes in the steel floor.
2 - The only sunblock you need is a flip-up welding helmet.
1 - You don't get voted out by failing to backstab the right person. You get voted out by having your creation explode on-camera in a hail of flesh-rending shrapnel and fireballs of burning gasoline.
:) :) :) :) :)
From: Kate (miga)
Subject: [Fwd: Golden Books]
Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2001
"Little Golden Books" that never made it:
You are Different and That's Bad The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables Dad's New Wife Robert Fun 4-letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence All Cats Go to Hell The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption Grandpa Gets a Casket The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy Strangers Have the Best Candy Whining, Crying, and Kicking to Get Your Way You Were an Accident Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Pop! Goes the Hamster ... And Other Great Microwave Games The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan Your Nightmares Are Real Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 From: Cecilia Subject: FW: another blonde joke A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler." "Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." ____________________________
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 From: Cecilia Subject: FW: [Fwd: New house next door] > A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant > lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on > the empty lot. > > The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an > interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with > the workers. > > She hung around and eventually the construction crew - > gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of > project mascot. > > They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they > had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and > there to make her feel important. > > At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope > containing a dollar which the little girl took this home to her mother, > who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they > take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a > savings account. > > When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the > story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check > at such a young age. > > The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building > a house all week". > > "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the > house again this week too"? > > The little working girl replied, "I will if those useless cocksuckers at > the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks". > > > >
Date: Sat, 28 Apr 2001 From: Cecilia Subject: Non allowable deductions! It's that time of year everybody dreads. No, not your anni- versary, it's tax time. And millions of Americans are stretching the limits of credibility with their deductions in an effort to get a few extra dollars back from Uncle Sam. But the Internal Revenue Service doesn't believe in being charitable. So following are the Top Ten deductions rejected by the IRS... 10. Loss of wages due to bizarre masturbation accident. 9. 0.5 kilos of China white for business entertainment expenses. 8. 200 rounds of 9mm hollow point ammunition for business entertainment expenses. 7. Michael Jackson's attempt to claim depreciation on his plastic surgery. He's going for "face value." 6. 200 donations to the sperm bank as charitable contributions. 5. Rubber-soled shoes for Timothy McVeigh. 4. Tarot card readings as "Professional Consultation." 3. Subscription to the Playboy Channel as a medical expense for impotence. 2. Cost of removing tattoo of ex-girlfriend's name. And the number 1 rejected tax deduction for 2000: 1. Underwear for Jennifer Lopez.
Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 From: Dianne Subject: OT: kinda "corny"........but ----- > Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which > produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, > which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad > breath. > > > This made him...what? > > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > * > A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
BWAAHAAHAAHAA!!!! :) That's great! - Gok
Date: Tue, 1 May 2001 From: Dianne Subject: OT: Ducks > > > Subject: Ducks > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Three guys die together and go to Heaven. St. Peter > > > >says, "We have only one rule here . . . . Don't Step on the Ducks." > > > > > > > > > > They enter Heaven and see ducks all over, almost > > > >impossible not to step > > > > > on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, > > > >and soon here comes > > > > > St. Peter with the ugliest woman he had ever seen. > > > >St. Peter chains them together. > > > > > > > > > > The next day, the second guy steps on a duck. Sure > > > >enough, here comes > > > > > St. Peter with an ugly woman and chains them > > > >together. > > > > > > > > > > The third guy is VERY careful. He goes for months > > > >and doesn't step on > > > > > any ducks. One day St. Peter comes with this > > > >gorgeous woman.....blonde, > > > > > blue-eyed, very sexy. He chains them together and > > > >leaves without a word. > > > > > > > > > > The guy remarks to the woman, "I wonder what I did > > > >to deserve this?" > > > > > She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on > > > >a duck."
Date: Tue, 1 May 2001 From: Cecilia Subject: FW: Health advice > Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? > A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything > wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live > longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving > it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. > > Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? > A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and > corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an > efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? > Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy > vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily > allowance of vegetable slop. > > Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? > A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we > all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: > animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not > animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only > leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy > your liquid vegetables. > > Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? > A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to > one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. > > Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench > press. What did he mean? > A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up > your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find > that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to > reevaluate your exercise program. > > Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise > program? > A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good. > > Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? > A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If > you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time. > > Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? > A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In > fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad > for you? > > Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? > A: Thicker gravy. > > Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the > middle? > A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should > only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. > > I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had. >
Is there more coming? There is if I get more. :) - Gok
And here it is!!!! The May update. And it's big! :)
From: miga
Subject: personality test... *snicker*
Date: Fri, 4 May 2001
here's a really good personality test. amazingly accurate! *giggle*
[the following is rated (E), suitable for (E)veryone in my address book.]
----------------------------------
Oreo Personality Test
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim.
-----------------------------------
(from joke-of-the-day.com)
From: Lara (who gots it from Sakai, who sends her (and therefore ME) lots of funnies. Thank you! :)
Date: Monday, May 7th.
Fwd: A fairy Tale
Once upon a time There lived a king. The King had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But the kingdom was a sad place. There was no laughter, and no joy. The problem was, that everything the Princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic...anthing she touched would melt!! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his beautiful daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The King was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her touch, would marry her and inherit the King's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first Prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. When the Princess touched it, it melted. The Prince went away sadly. The second Prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But, alas, once the Princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third Prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand...and it did not melt!! The King was overjoyed! Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! And the third Prince married the Princess and the both lived happily ever after. The question is?!?!?!? What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket??? v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v They were M&M's, of course. THEY melt in your MOUTH, NOT in your HAND!!
(What were YOU thinking?)
Fwd: A Wonderful Story From: Lara (from Sakai) Date: Mon, 7 May 2001 A WONDERFUL STORY
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat." "Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No", she replied. "He's out." "Then we cannot come in", they replied. In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!" The woman went out and invited the men in. "We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?" she asked. One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home." The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!" His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?" Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!" "Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife. "Go out and invite Love to be our guest." The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest." Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?" The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!" MY WISH FOR YOU... -Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy. -Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it. -Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength. -Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage. Peace to you my friend,
Date: Wed, 2 May 2001
From: Sharon
Subject: OT-A little beta reading never hurts...
For anyone that ever wondered what a beta reader does...*G*
Sharon
These are purported to be actual clippings from church newspapers. It's
amazing what a little proofreading would prevent. As we all know some times
the proofreading need to be done by someone other than the writer:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight
at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget
your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'.
Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone
come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy
sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a
nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to
follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This
evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the
back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Date: Thu, 3 May 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: OT: Redneck quiz
The Redneck 25-Question Sex Quiz
1.) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
[ True ] or [ False ]
2.) Asphalt describes rectal problems.
[ True ] or [ False ]
3.) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
[ True ] or [ False ]
4.) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
[ True ] or [ False ]
5.) The clitoris is a type of flower.
[ True ] or [ False ]
6.) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
7.) Semen is a term for sailors.
[ True ] or [ False ]
8.) Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
[ True ] or [ False ]
9.) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
[ True ] or [ False ]
10.) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
[ True ] or [ False ]
11.) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
[ True ] or [ False ]
12.) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
[ True ] or [ False ]
13.) Coitus is a musical instrument.
[ True ] or [ False ]
14.) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
[ True ] or [ False ]
15.) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
[ True ] or [ False ]
16.) A condom is a large apartment complex.
[ True ] or [ False ]
17.) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
[ True ] or [ False ]
18.) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
[ True ] or [ False ]
19.) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
20.) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
[ True ] or [ False ]
21.) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
[ True ] or [ False ]
22.) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
[ True ] or [ False ]
23.) Pornography is the business of making records.
[ True ] or [ False ]
24.) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
[ True ] or [ False ]
25.) Douche is the French word for "twelve."
[ True ] or [ False ]
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Sat, 5 May 2001 From: K. Bramley Subject: joke Children ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the new baby. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. Date: Sat, 5 May 2001 From: K. Bramley Subject: Re: Good news Breast Exam ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied.
Date: Tue, 8 May 2001 From: OldHistory Subject: OT: Fwd: Marriage In a message dated 5/7/2001 6:51:08 PM Central Daylight Time, Susie4JC writes: << Birth Control A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night." "How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know." "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it." >> [This message contained attachments] Date: Wed, 9 May 2001 From: Garibaldi's Cat Subject: Amish Virus You have just received the Amish Virus. As we don't have any electricity, computers or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all of the files from your hard drive and then forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank thee, The Amish Conspiracy
From: miga
Subject: [Fwd: George Carlinisms]
Date: Thu, 17 May 2001
one-liners from rufus... highly amusing *G*
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Isn't it just stale bread to begin with?
9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
11. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
12. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
13. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
14. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
15. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
16. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
17. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
18. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
19. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
20. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
21. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
:)
Date: Sat, 12 May 2001 Subject: Re: Re: A Mother's Day Dittty... OOps sorry, didn't do it right. Hold on and I will send it properly. Jo-Ann BIG Job - Position Description POSITION: Mom JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often-chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: "This is for the rest of your life." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. Forward this on to all the MOM's you know and let them know they are appreciated. ________________________________________________________________________
Date: Sun, 13 May 2001 From: James Green Subject: Re: By Any Means Necessary - Part One Cris: "Anything connected to THHGTTG belongs to DNA and anything else belongs to me." Anything connected to UHHGUUG belongs to RNA Anything connected to NASA should be checked for foot to meter conversions Anything connected to UN should have a blue helmet Anything connected to PETA is not an answer to "Where's the beef?" Anything connected to NOW is likely not found at Hooters Anything connected to EPA needs gloves Anything connected to DOJ will be appealed Anything connected to GOP is alien to FOB Anything connected to CNN will mind the JAGNYPDBLUETEEP and anything else is gibberish brought to you by AOL, YAHOO, and or your ISP. BTW, have a nice Mother's Day, jim
Date: Fri, 18 May 2001 18:37:19 -0700 From: "Sharon S. Graves" Subject: FW: OT Could happen? A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" [This message contained attachments]
Date: Mon, 21 May 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: FW: THINGS TO DO AT A WalMart
THINGS TO DO AT A SUPERMARKET WHILE YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."
8. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
9. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
14. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
Date: Mon, 21 May 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: Uh oh
My friends, I am afraid I have a problem...
SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS
How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to
cheer myself up.
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or
more in a day.
3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or
before work.
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a
chapter without being seen.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in
order to read novels.
7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as
the characters speak.
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless
there is a book nearby.
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to
read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions
which I would otherwise avoid.
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household
chores until I have finished a novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books
instead.
13. I have attempted to check out more library books
than permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy
reading.
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a
bout of reading.
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of
something I read.
18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these questions,
you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to
seven or more indicates a serious problem.
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.
SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or
normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative
worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family.
In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in
awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst
instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns.
Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause
of moral deformity among the children of English professors,
teachers of English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction
Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime
of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.
HEREDITY
Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a
considerable role in determining whether a person will become an
abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who
abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing
into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.
OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy
fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play
games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the
evening.
PREVENTION
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies
in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular
should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be
encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and
morbid introspection.
DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle
belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away
to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs
that their children are taking the wrong path--don't expect your
teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser."
By the time you visit her dorm room and find the secet stash of
the Paris Review, it may already be too late.
What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her
know you won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred
grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks,
either. But remember that she may not be able to make a decision
without help; perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is
dying of arsenic poisoning.
2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found
this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the
hard question--Who is this Count Vronsky?
3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room.
Introduce her to frat boys.
4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her
stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math
class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.
You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more
of the following applies:
* She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
* She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
* Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf,
Faulkner or any scene from the Lake District.
Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: A Good Hand
> Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, > Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder > his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, > wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, > several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, > Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of > all? > > She asks, "What?" > > "SEX!!!" > > Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a > gun to your head!" > > "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for > a while." > > "Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, > removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to > meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk > and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard > didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided > to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the > senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with > another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood! > > Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have > that I don't have?!" > > Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's." >
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: FW: Mr. and Mrs. Potato
> > I must warn you people, this is a groaner !!!!! > > > > Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other. When they finally got > > married, they had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.' Of > > course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her > > > about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting > > > half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name > > > for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. > > > > > > Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a > > > rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and > > > become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not > > > to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. > > > > > > When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out > > > for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from > > > France called the French Fries. When she went out west, to watch out for > > > the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on > > > the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high > > > class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who > > > advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay'. Mr. and > > > Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (that's Potato University) so that > > > when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. > > > > > > But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and > > announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. > > > Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam > > > she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just > > > a. . . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Are you ready for this? > > > > > > Are you sure? > > > . > > > . > > > ... > > > . > > > . > > > > > . > > > common tater !
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: Mechanics Orders?
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the > mechanic, "It died." > > After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. > > She says, "What's the story?" > > He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." > > She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
Date: Sun, 27 May 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: OT: Joke
A Woman's Work.....
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
"Well" she answered, "today I didn't do it."
Date: Sun, 27 May 2001
From: K. Bramley
Subject: joke
In the Restaurant ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants." The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have a Rolls, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick!...Just send the bottle back!"
Cally
Thought For The Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women are not supposed to snore, burp, sweat or pass gas.
Therefore, we must bitch or we will blow up.
Cally
In the Garden and a Blonde Goodie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."
Cally
And my favorite
Lifesavers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the
children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked
them to identify them by color and flavor. The children
began to say:
"Red...................cherry,"
"Yellow............... lemon"
"Green.................lime"
"Orange...............orange"
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!
Cally
At the Drugstore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much
of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer
wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned
John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning, John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." "Ex- Lax won't cure a cough!" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Cally
IRS Auditors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided
to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He
proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the
Synagogue did with the wax drippings left over from the
temple candles.
The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected, and sent to the local candle factory, and they send the Temple new candles.
What about the crumbs from the matzo you eat at Passover? Asked the IRS auditor. Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzo bakery, and they send us matzo meal.
All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions you perform? "Well," the Rabbi said, "We send them to Washington, DC, and they send us little pricks like you !
Date: Mon, 28 May 2001
From: Garibaldi's Cat
Subject: Speaking of Nuns
> Vows of Silence > > Sister Karen Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest > said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as > long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.." > > Sister Karen Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the > Priest said to her, "Sister Karen Katherine, you have been here for 5 > years. You can speak two words." > > Sister Karen Katherine said, "Hard bed." > > "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better > bed......." > > After another 5 years, Sister Karen Katherine was called by the > Priest..."You may say another two words, Sister Karen Katherine." > > "Cold food," said Sister Karen Katherine, and the Priest assured her > that the food would be better in the future... > > On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called > Sister > Karen Katherine into his office. "Two words you may say today." > > "I quit," said Sister Karen Katherine. > > "It is probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch > since you got here."
Date: Tue, 29 May 2001
From: Dianne
Subject: OT: Joke
A man met a beautiful woman and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
"But we don't know anything about each other," she said.
"That's all right. We'll learn about each other as we go along."
So, the woman consented, and they got married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
They were lying by the resort's pool one morning, when he suddenly got up off his towel, and climbed up the 10 meter diving board. He then proceeded to do a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jack-knife position. He then straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he got out of the pool and returned to his new bride.
"That was incredible!" she remarked.
"I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
A few minutes later, she got up off her towel, and jumped in the pool. After some thirty laps of the pool, she got out of the pool and returned to her new husband.
"That was incredible! Were you an Olympic swimmer?" he asked.
"No," she replied, "I was a hooker in Venice, and I worked both sides of the canal."
Date: Tue, 29 May 2001
From: Adi
Subject: OT: Jobs
> > My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got > > > canned ... couldn't concentrate. > > > > Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just > > > couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. > > > > After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited > > > for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. > > > > Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was > > > exhausting. > > > > I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. > > > > Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little > > > spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. > > > > Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced > > > it, I couldn't cut the mustard. > > > > My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I > > > wasn't noteworthy. > > > > I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have > > > any patients. > > > > Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. > > > > I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I > > > couldn't live on my net income. > > > > Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. > > > > I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance > > > company, but the work was just too draining. > > > > I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because > > > I wasn't up to it. > > > > So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they > > > said I wasn't fit for the job. > > > > Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work > > > was shocking. > > > > After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a > > > job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. > > > > My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit > > > because it was always the same old grind. > >----------------------------------------------- > > > While working for an organization that delivers lunches to > elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on > my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the > various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers > and wheelchairs. > > One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking > in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of > questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy > will never believe this!" >