These are all the findings from November. Enjoy! :)
Date: Tue, 30 Oct
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Following Instructions
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows
there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing
as a perfect man.
****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.****
.
.
.
.
.
.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either. You were told to stop scrolling.
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT:Top ten reasons why Trick or Treat is better than Sex....
Top ten reasons why Trick or Treat is better than Sex....
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you
2) Less guilt the morning after.
And the No. 1 reason why trick a treating is better than sex.........
YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Halloween!
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001
From: Jen Funk Segrest
Subject: Ok this sounds like the kind of thing for this place
I saw this on another list - thought of you sickos:
yeah it has a twist....
------------
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full
lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The
handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely
gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze
measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He
sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her
from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his
foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through
this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared
to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy
her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that
had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was
within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought,
"It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into
place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment
washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her
eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this
woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and
again............
Then she cried out "I JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES!!"
-----
Hahahahahah - jen
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001
From: "Sharon"
Subject: RE: Ok this sounds like the kind of thing for this place
Yes, you're right. Fits right in with this group. Do you think he has it
in another size? Maybe another color?
Sharon
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2001
From: Jen
Subject: Re: Ok this sounds like the kind of thing for this place
> Yes, you're right. Fits right in with this group. Do you think he has it > in another size? Maybe another color?
Does he have one that is rougher? Lol.
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2001
From: Jen
Subject: Re: Ok this sounds like the kind of thing for this place
> Yes, you're right. Fits right in with this group. Do you think he has it > in another size? Maybe another color?
Ohh! does he have one that I could wear with other shoes at the same time?
Date: Thu, 1 Nov 2001
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: FW: Some Halloween Humor: [Yahoo! Clubs: Bardic Circle]
Some Halloween Humor:
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no
family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making
several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in
sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in
place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
"Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2001 18:22:37 -0000
From: "Jim"
Subject: Re: Ok this sounds like the kind of thing for this place
Okay, here is somemore for the sickos .....
THE GEORGE BUSH Virus... (Causes your computer to think it won the election, even though the mother-board and father-board bought it.)
THE AL GORE Virus...(Causes your computer to just keep counting)
THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE JESSE JACKSON virus... (Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background)
THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
and last but not least...............
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
**** Note from Gok to all: If you hadn't guessed by the rest of my Nest, I and a choice few of my friends have a rather unique pastime. Meaning, we have no life so we make things up. Setting up the clubhouse and various nifty gadgets took weeks of non-stop laughing. Then we set to work. Here's a sample!
~~~~~
BEHOLD, the power of CHEESE!
- Amazing Gok! of the Three-Cheese Blend - Support the International Cheese Team for the Defense of Bad Puns Everywhere!
(AGotTCB-StICTftDoBPE) ****
See what happens when I can't get online for a week:
From : Nerf
To : Miga, Gok
Subject : Alert!! Alert!!!!!
Date : Thu, 15 Nov 2001
My fellow Cheesers, we have a situation on our hands!!
I intercepted this enemy transmission at 1013 November 15th:
(Begin Transmission from moxygecko@*******.***)
I'm gathering a "evil organization" to take down the 3 Cheese Blend, our numbers are growing - already I have a "Master of Smut" a "Pretty Guy who Does Nothing Except Stand Around and Look Good" a "Sexy Female Assasign" and a "Disgruntled Scientist", and I'm hoping to aquire a "Master of Hurting People" today! The 3 Cheese Blend will perish!
(End of transmission from moxygecko@*******.***) Clearly we're in danger! We must amass our strength and use whatever resources are available to defeat this threat to ourselves...
*********************************************
"Nefarious Nerf! High Commander of the Militant Branch of the Three-Cheese Blend!"
From : Jennifer
To : Miga, Gok
Subject : Further Alert!!
Date : Thu, 15 Nov 2001
I bring more transmissions from The Evil One, finally identified as Kira (for some strange reason our company e-mail refers to her as April)...
-----Original Message-----
From: T******, April
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 10:16 AM
To: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Subject: RE:
I'm gathering a "evil organization" to take down the 3 Cheese Blend, our numbers are growing - already I have a "Master of Smut" a "Pretty Guy who Does Nothing Except Stand Around and Look Good" a "Sexy Female Assasign" and a "Disgruntled Scientist", and I'm hoping to aquire a "Master of Hurting People" today! The 3 Cheese Blend will perish!
-----Original Message-----
From: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 10:21 AM
To: T******, April
Subject: RE:
And what is the name of this organization, o evil one?
Jennifer S******
C*********t C**********s
-----Original Message-----
From: T******, April
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 10:24 AM
To: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Subject: RE:
"THEM"
-----Original Message-----
From: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 10:24 AM
To: T******, April
Subject: RE:
Ahhh.... What does THEM stand for?
Jennifer S******
C*********t C*********s
-----Original Message-----
From: T******, April
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 10:27 AM
To: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Subject: RE:
The Highly Evil Members (of Kira's evil organization to take over the world and destroy the 3 Cheese Blend)
-----Original Message-----
From: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 10:28 AM
To: T*****, April
Subject: RE:
And THEY would be The Highly Evil ..Yuppies? Yokels?
Jennifer S******
C*********t C*********s
-----Original Message-----
From: T******, April
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 10:30 AM
To: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Subject: RE:
They is just proper grammer depending on the context, you just wouldn't say "You know what THEM are like!" We are evil, but we use proper grammer!
-----Original Message-----
From: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 10:31 AM
To: T******, April
Subject: RE:
*coughs* You use proper grammar? *grins*
Jennifer S******
C*********t C*********s
-----Original Message-----
From: T******, April
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 10:31 AM
To: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Subject: RE:
I didn't say we could SPELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(End transmission)
Clearly, we face an enemy of most hideous proportions. However, we may be able to use the spelling problem to our advantage. I don't know how much longer I can continue to bring you these transmissions without being captured. Rest assured, no amount of torture will ever compel me to rat out the Three Cheese Blend (unless clowns are involved somehow).
Jennifer
*********************************************
"Nefarious Nerf! High Commander of the Militant Branch of the Three-Cheese Blend!"
From : "Jennifer"
Date : Thu, 15 Nov 2001
I fear I will be captured soon, so I'm sending this off before they find me. Avenge me, my comrades!!!
-----Original Message-----
ATTENTION 3 CHEESE BLEND..............
THEM HAS CHOOSEN TO SHOW MERCY AND WE WILL ONLY RUFF YOU UP A BIT BEFORE WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD, YOU SHALLY NOT PERISH UNLESS WE CHANGE OUR MIND.
-----Original Message-----
You're gonna rough us up a bit? Promise???
Jennifer S******
-----Original Message-----
EVERYONE BUT YOU, WIERDO - YOU WE WILL TICKLE WITH A FEATHER DUSTER UNTIL YOU LAUGH YOURSELF INSIDEOUT!
-----Original Message-----
What the heck is shally?
Jennifer S******
-----Original Message-----
THATS FOR ME TO KNOW AND YOU TO FIND OUT!
(End transmission)
The shally must be their weapon of destruction... I only hope you two are able to cope without me.
Oh no... what's that... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! GIANT CLOWN!!!!! *garglegurgleurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg*
Jennifer
*********************************************
----Original Message Follows----
um, but you're in charge of the militant branch. what are we supposed
to do?
{Wonder Miga picks up the nearest cheese grater}
will this help?
--WMCTDBPE
"No matter where you go, there you are"
> ----Original Message Follows----
>
From : "Jennifer"
Yippeee!!!
You two distracted the enemy long enough for my escape!!! The evil mutant clown has an Achilles heel--- he's terrified of haggis (which I always keep in my bag o' stuff)
Now I have the plans for THEM's hideout. We can defeat this threat to the world's puns!!!!!
I suggest we kidnap the Pretty Guy Who Just Stands Around and Does Nothing. Amazing Gok! could most likely get any important information outta him. Wonder Miga could devise a new weapon, and I will.... go take a nap.
Jennifer
*********************************************
**** Notes: What happened afterwards . . . was lost to the great email vacuum. Suffice it to say it got guttery. Cousteau Society type of guttery. But I used the cheese grater (don't ask!) and lots of chocolate body paint - i mean - lots of interrogation sauce. And whipped cream, too since he looked a lot like Heath Ledger. ;) And the world was once again safe for bad puns to live and work in freedom . . . - Gok ****
Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001
Ok Diane that does it *eg*
Curiosity killed the blonde
Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001
Mating Bull
Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001
The question
Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001
"Depressed Button"
****(NOTE: It was about now that list members wanted to know where he was getting all the jokes from - Gok) ****
Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001
Here you go, but a warning some may find these jokes offensive.
http://www.jokeronline.com/bestof/jokeindex.htm
Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001
There are guys drinking in a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the guys, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts "I've screwed your mom!"
Date: Mon, 05 Nov 2001
If You Find White Powder ... You May Have Been Exposed To:
... in the train seat next to you ... Amtrax.
Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2001
I thought this was great:
**BEEP**
You have reached the Breast Cancer Self-Examination
Hotline.
Press one to continue.
(pause)
Now, press the other one.
**BEEP**
Date: Sat, 17 Nov 2001
(***** Gok is the same as Elmo! Gok is very happy, yes. :) *****)
Do not read the answers until you have taken the test!!!!
Ever wondered which Sesame Street character you are most like?
Well, a team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of Sesame Street characters, and put the information gathered into this quiz.
Keep track of the question number and your answer. You'll need both to unlock the secret code at the end.
1) What describes your perfect date?
Now total up your points and find your character below:
(10-17 points): You are OSCAR. You are wild and crazy and you know it. You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don't always see things your way, but that doesn't mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and others.
(18-26 points) You are ERNIE. You are fun, friendly, and popular. You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been out on the town your share of times, yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you. Marriage and children are important to you, but only after you have fun. Don't let the people you please influence you to stray.
(27-34 points) You are ELMO. You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are witty and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of backstabbers, and you are worry free.
(35-42 points) You are ZOE. You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself. You are serious about all commitments. A family person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing.
(43-50 points) You are BERT. You are smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it does happen.
Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2001
So here's what happened-
I went to the domestic terminal to meet my daughter who had an overnight
stopover. We were going to have dinner, and then I was going home.
We're having Christmas at her place in another state, so I brought along
some pressies in a plastic bag, for her to take home with her on the plane,
saving me postage or having to lug them up there myself. Some of them were
stocking stuffers.
I had to put my bags on the conveyor belt and walk thru the metal detector
thingie, which I did, and went over to collect the bags. there were three
security officers there looking grim and one said too the others, "She's got
guns"
Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2001
Okay, so this is the end to the previous one, which was supposed to sit in
the old outbox until I had finished it.
Anyway, after the guards discovered my 2 plastic $1.49 water pistols, they
told me they had to confiscate them. I said they were water pistols, they
said "They're guns to us, maam" (hate being called maam) I said they were
Christmas presents, had they noticed the Santa Clauses on the wrapping paper
they shredded while searching for the Uzi's?
Emily was with me, and having a fit because she had wrapped them. I asked
them if they would hold them for me, while I went to meet my daughter, whose
plane had landed by now. No they couldn't, the only guns they could hold
were their own. So I went back out the gate, and asked a check-in attendant
and he cared for them while I met up with Annie and suffered the suspicious
looks of the guards who kept strolling by.
Lucky they didn't find the bath bombs! :)
Date: Mon, 19 Nov 2001
Subject: FW: History in a Nutshell
A friend sent me this. I had to share it with you.
Sharon
THE SUNDAY FUNNIES COMPLETE GUIDE TO HISTORY (ABRIDGED)
circa 4,000BCE - History begins with the invention of writing.
To : miga@******.***, h_raelynn@*******.***
Subject : Final Transmission...
From: T******, April
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 11:13 AM
To: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Subject:
From: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 11:13 AM
To: T******, April
Subject: RE:
C*********t C*********s
From: T******, April
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 11:14 AM
To: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Subject: RE:
From: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 11:15 AM
To: T******, April
Subject: RE:
C*********t C*********s
From: T******, April
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2001 11:21 AM
To: S******, JENNIFER (SWBW)
Subject: RE:
"Nefarious Nerf! High Commander of the Militant Branch of the Three-Cheese Blend!"
To: "Jennifer"
CC: "heather"
Subject: Re: Final Transmission...
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 15:59:04 -0600
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> From: "Heather RaeLynn"
> Subject: Re: Final Transmission...
> Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 01:32:57
> *picks up a sword and runs in, screaming at the tops of her lungs*
>
> DEATH BEFORE DE-TOWELLING!!!!!
>
> oh, wait. wrong battle cry.
>
> Um.
>
> BEHOLD! THE POWER OF CHEESE!!! Come, my fellow defenders of the bad
> pun! We
> must avenge our fallen comrade!!!!
>
> - :)
>
> ~~~~~
> BEHOLD, the power of CHEESE!
>
> - Amazing Gok! And the Cheese Team for the Defense of Bad Puns Everywhere!
>
> (AGCTDBPE)
>
>
To : miga@******.***
CC : h_raelynn@*******.***
Subject : Re: Fwd: Re: Final Transmission...
Date : Sat, 17 Nov 2001 11:14:44 -0600
"Nefarious Nerf! High Commander of the Militant Branch of the Three-Cheese Blend!"
From: "Red Wulf wulf"
Subject: Re: OT:Positive Things About Men & Women
Once not so long ago a young woman received her degree to cut hair and she opened her own shop. One of her first customers was a blonde woman wearing a walkman. The blonde told the young woman how she wanted her hair cut, but told her not to touch her head phones, then promptly went to sleep. The young woman was curious about the headphones, but finished cutting the blondes hair then woke her. The blonde was ecstatic she loved her haircut and paid for it and left.
About two weeks later she returned again her hair was cut, but again with the strange warning, 'don't touch my headphones. Well this continued for a couple of years until finally the young hairdresser could take no more and she removed the blondes headphones on day and................the blonde fell dead.
The hairdresser leaned over to listen to the message on the tape "Breath in, Breath out, Breath in....Breath out.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Red Wulf wulf"
Subject: jokes
A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, "This Bull mated 50 times last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says,
"He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hits her husband and says,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife gets really excited and says,
"That's once a day" You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looks at her and says, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
From: "Red Wulf wulf"
Subject: joke 2
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: "What do women really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: The princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester....
In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted guarantee that she would marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...
He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch gave the answer: "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life." - Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom, and Gawain and the horrid ugly witch had quite a wedding!..
Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.
What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her, (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story? -- The moral of this story is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch.
From: "Red Wulf wulf"
Subject: more jokes
Jill, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button."
I foolishly asked what she was doing.
Jill pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said, "Depress button for ice."
From: "Red Wulf wulf"
Subject: Best of The Joker Index
Jesse
From: "K Bramley"
Subject:
The three guys look bewildered and the
man resumes drinking at the bar.
Ten minutes later he comes back.
"Your mom has sucked me off!"
The three guys shift uncomfortably in their chairs, but say nothing.
Ten minutes later he announces "I've had your mom up the ass!"
The young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, "Look, Dad, you're drunk, go home!"
From: "Sharon"
Subject: FW: white powder
... on your Mother's sister ... Aunthrax.
... in your armpit ... Banthrax.
... on your breakfast cereal ... Branthrax.
... on your breakfast toast ... Jamthrax.
... on a man of the cloth ... BillyGrahamthrax.
... in pictures you've seen on the net ... Scanthrax.
... in pictures you've taken ... Camthrax.
... on pictures you shouldnt have taken ... Webcamthrax.
... on number one son ... CharlieChanthrax.
... in Afganistan ... Talibanthrax.
... in hell ... Dammedthrax.
... in a CD case ... SteelyDanthrax.
... in a letter from your stalker ... Fanthrax.
... in a Doctor Suess book ... Greeneggsandhamthrax.
... in the same Doctor Suess book ... SamIamthrax.
... in a Steven King novel ... Standthrax.
... after a triathilon ... IronManthrax.
... on your white sheets ... Klanthrax.
... on your sheep (especially, if your name is Mary) ... Lambthrax.
... on the remote control or in the Lazy-Boy ... Manthrax.
... from make-money-fast ads ... Scamthrax.
... in Goober's garage ... Shazamthrax.
... after being insulted ... Slamthrax.
... in annoying junk mail ... Spamthrax.
... in your bikini ... Sandthrax.
... under your bikini ... Tanthrax.
... in Anna Kournikova's bikini ... HotDamnthrax.
... in Mel Gibson's bikini briefs ... HotDamnthrax.
... in your Aerostar ... Vanthrax.
... in the back of your pickup truck ... Ramthrax.
... on Captain Hook's hook ... PeterPanthranx.
... at the Moulin Rouge ... CanCanthrax.
... on your Thanksgiving plate ... Yamthrax.
... on a Top Ten List ... Lettermanthrax.
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: FW:
From: "Dianne"
Subject: Have a little fun......who are you?
Answer each question with the answer that most describes you, then add up the points that correspond with your answer. Then send this to all your friends, including the person who sent it to you with your cartoon character in the subject line.
a) Candlelight dinner for two
b) Amusement park
c) Rollerblading in the park
d) Rock concert
e) See a movie
2) What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll
b) Alternative
c) Soft Rock
d) Classical
e) Popular
3) What is your favorite type of movie?
a) Comedy
b) Horror
c) Musical
d) Romance
e) Documentary
4) Which of the following jobs would you chose if you were given only these choices?
a) Waiter/Waitress
b) Sports Player
c) Teacher
d) Policeman
e) Bartender
5) Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste?
a) Work out
b) Read
c) Watch TV
d) Listen to the radio
e) Sleep
6) Of the following colors, which do you like the best?
a) Yellow
b) White
c) sky blue
d) teal
e) red
7) Which one of the following would you like to eat right now?
a) ice cream
b) pizza
c) sushi
d) pasta
e) salad
8) What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween
b) Christmas
c) New Year's
d) Valentine's Day
e) Thanksgiving
9) If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be?
a) Paris
b) Spain
c) Las Vegas
d) Hawaii
e) Hollywood
10) Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?
a) Someone who is smart
b) Someone with good looks
c) Someone who is a party animal
d) Someone who has fun all the time
e) Someone who is very emotional
Q 1 a=4 pts b=2 pts c=5 pts d=1 pts e=3 pts
Q 2 a=2 pts b=1 pts c=4 pts d=5 pts e=3 pts
Q 3 a=2 pts b=1 pts c=3 pts d=4 pts e=5 pts
Q 4 a=4 pts b=5 pts c=3 pts d=2 pts e=1 pts
Q 5 a=5 pts b=4 pts c=2 pts d=1 pts e=3 pts
Q 6 a=1 pts b=5 pts c=3 pts d=2 pts e=4 pts
Q 7 a=3 pts b=2 pts c=1 pts d=4 pts e=5 pts
Q 8 a=1 pts b=3 pts c=2 pts d=4 pts e=5 pts
Q 9 a=4 pts b=5 pts c=1 pts d=2 pts e=3 pts
Q 10 a=5 pts b=2 pts c=1 pts d=3 pts e=4 pts
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: airport
From: "Dianne"
Subject: airport
From: "Sharon"
-------------------------------------------------------
Actually, lots of stuff happened before this, but everyone was too busy to
write it down. It would be nearly 6,000 years before that excuse came into
fashion again.
3050BCE - An unknown Sumerian invents the wheel. Within a week,
the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing
the business ethic for all time.
1850BCE - Ancient Britons finally get the rocks at Stonehenge
arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of
everyone for centuries.
1785BCE - The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days,
is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768BCE - Babylonians realize their calendar needs adjustment
when winter begins in June.
776BCE - The world's first known money appears in Persia,
followed shortly by the world's first known counterfeit money. Human nature
also hasn't changed much.
525BCE - The first Olympics are held, and prove remarkably
similar to the modern games; Spartan pro athletes compete as "amateurs," the
Egyptians try to enter a female shot-putter who is six feet tall and has a
mustache, the Sumerians claim that the Philistine judges are unfairly
against them and the games fail to make any money.
499BCE - Socrates condemned to death for "corrupting the youth
of Athens," marking the first time politicians use this excuse to get rid of
a popular philosopher.
410BCE - Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into
slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the
credit card.
214BCE - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to
build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. After all that, it still
doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
circa 35BCE - Jesus Christ is born a few years early, just to
confuse all future historians.
1BCE - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total
disagreement over what to call next year.
79AD - Buying real estate in Pompeii turns out to have been a
rotten investment.
410AD - End of the Roman Empire with the sacking of Rome.
Little remembered now is that the Visigoths were just celebrating their
victory in a soccer match in the traditional way when things got out of
hand.
413AD - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, giving
the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of recorded
history.
500AD - The increasingly incorrectly named Middle Ages begin.
800AD - Vikings conduct raids across Northern Europe. This is
the last winning team the Vikings will produce until they built a domed
stadium in Minneapolis in the 1980s.
955AD - King Eadwig of England fails to show up for his own
coronation. He was later found cavorting with a young lady and her mother,
setting the high moral standard observed by British royalty to this day.
962AD - Otto the Great, from modern Germany, becomes the first
Holy Roman Emperor, despite being neither Holy, Roman, nor having much of an
empire.
1000 - Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not
worth mentioning.
1004 - Lady Murasaki Shibuki invents the novel with "The Tale of
Genji." There being no Oprah Book Club at the time, sales of the romance
novel are poor.
1043 - Lady Godiva founds a tax protest movement. She also
finds a means of demonstrating that makes everyone forget what she is
protesting against.
1066 - William the Conqueror from Normandy invades England. It
will be another 900 years before England figures out how to invade them
back.
1095 - The First Crusade proves unsuccessful enough that it is
followed by nine more.
1233 - The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who
disagrees with Religious Law. The practice is so un-Christian that it is
stopped after only 600 years.
1297 - The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has
the foresight to buy Xerox at .000005.
1340 - The Hundred Years War breaks out in Europe. Politicians
being about as accurate then as now, it lasts for 123 years.
1400 - The Renaissance begins what is known as the age of reason
and enlightenment. Considering how stupid and unreasonable things have been
since then, the preceding time must have REALLY sucked.
1433 - Portugal launches the African slave trade, which proves
what a small, ambitious country can do with a little ingenuity and a lot of
evil.
1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels
her death sentence. A little late for Joanie though, as she was burned at
the stake in 1431.
1492 - Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the
Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, wearing a Chinese silk robe to greet
the natives and calling the people who live there Indians.
1497 - Amerigo Vespucci becomes about the eighth explorer to
come to the New World, but the first to think of naming it after himself.
Fortunately, the name Vespuccia never really catches on.
1508 - Michelangelo agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine
Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
1513 - Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth. He
dies of old age trying to remember where it was.
1568 - Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the
Terrible kills another 100,000 Russian peasants to make them stop calling
him "Ivan the Terrible."
1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European
tourist to visit Virginia tries to register under the name "John Smith".
1618 - Countless future generations are doomed as the English
execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but keep his tobacco plants alive.
1642 - Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees
conferred in America. They immediately fill all nine jobs open to liberal
arts graduates resulting in unemployment for all future BAs.
1748 - War of Jenkin's Ear begins, later merged with the War of
Austrian Succession. These are know collectively as the "Who Cares?" era.
1758 - New Jersey was chosen as the site of America's first
Indian reservation, giving Indians an idea of the kind of shabby conditions
they could expect from then on.
1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre
touches off the American Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in
Boston will be about average for a Saturday night.
> 1773 - Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British see the
act as "barbaric" since no one thought to add cream.
1776 - American colonists declare their independence from
England. Fortunately for the colonists, the Thirty Years War is going on in
Europe, so England doesn't pay much attention.
1793 - Marie Antoinette and her husband Louie lose their heads
and flee Paris in a panic just ahead of a mob at the start of the French
Revolution. Later, they lose their heads in a far more literal sense.
1802 - Hard up for cash, Napoleon sells his American real estate
holdings to the new United States for billions of dollars less than the
appraised value. French restaurant owners have been trying to extract the
lost money from American tourists ever since.
1815 - Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins
the Battle of New Orleans two weeks after he should have received the letter
saying the War of 1812 was over.
1828 - Construction of the first railroad begins in America.
Congress withdraws funding when it fails to make an immediate profit.
1840 - William Henry Harrison is elected president in a
landslide, his campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too" being so
meaningless that no one could figure out how to disagree with it.
1850 - Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than
president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who ran for
president five times and never won.
1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the Civil
War: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
1869 - Completion of the Transcontinental railway means that
travellers can journey by rail from New York to San Francisco in only eight
days - just about what it takes on AMTRAK now.
1871 - Charles Darwin writes "Descent of Man". It has the same
general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to make as much money.
1876 - Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone, and,
quite accidentally, telemarketing.
1882 - Edison invents the practical electric light. The first erroneous
billing by ConEd follows almost immediately.
1883 - Brooklyn Bridge opens in New York, allowing people to get from
Manhattan to Brooklyn faster than most people want to get there.
1887 - First electric streetcars operate in Richmond Virginia.
Critics immediately condemn the impracticality and expense of using city
streets for light rail.
1896 - Henry Ford builds his first automobile. After this, he
builds a few more. This marks the last time anyone can find a parking spot
in downtown Detroit. Or, wants to.
1902 - The Wright Brothers become the last air travellers to
suffer neither flight delays nor lost luggage.
1912 - People holding tickets from New York to England on the
Titanic get their money back.
1914-18 - Those fighting in the Great War call it the "War to
end all wars." This proves about as accurate as calling the first act of
Hamlet the play to end all plays.
1920 - The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking alcohol illegal
in the U.S., so everyone stops - except for the 40 million, or so, who drink
more.
1921 - Warren G. Harding becomes president, forever insuring that no future
president could ever be the stupidest man to hold the office.
1924 - Adolph Hitler is released from prison four years early,
after convincing the parole board that he was a changed man who wouldn't
cause any more trouble.
1929 - The stock market crashed, resulting in financial ruin,
massive unemployment and eventually, war. Who says things change?
1933 - Nazi rule begins as German homeowners begin to realize
why that crazy paper hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his
work.
1938 - Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby
averting all possibility of a second world war - for about a year.
1945 - Hitler's Nazi regime in Germany falls, thankfully ending
the Thousand Year Reich 988 years early.
1945 - Atomic bomb dropped on Japan, ending World War II. After
many millennia of unsuccessful attempts, human beings finally achieve the
ability to accidentally destroy themselves in a few milliseconds.
1945 - now - Pretty boring - US invades Korea, Cuba, Vietnam,
Grenada, Panama, Iraq, Kosovo, Afghanistan ... Microsoft, New Coke, Hula
Hoops, Kennedy, Data Processing, Supertankers, International House of
Pancakes, Moonies, Moon Landing, Moon Pies, War on Drugs, Nixon, Carter,
Johnson, Gerald Somebody, Bush, Clinton, another Bush, CNN, Disney World,
Y2K...
Someday, someone will figure out what this all meant.
Too late to be of any real use to us, of course.