From: Kaylee
Date: Jan 9th 2002
THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE
1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for your asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devoius, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman!Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.
16. Yell outloud, "Stop molesting me!"
Date: Sun, 13 Jan 2002
From: [Code 7R] "alex_cat_45"
Subject: You might be a Redneck Ranger if....
YOU might be a redneck ranger if:
You ever heard the phrase, "We live for the one, we die for the one,
y'all."
Your Ranger tunic is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your Minbari fighting pike to open a bottle of
Jack Daniels.
At least one wing of your Star Fury is primer colored.
You have a Pike rack in the back window of your shuttle.
You can easily describe the taste of Drazi and Narn.
You have ever had a Minbari Fighter up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a pike fight because you had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Za'ha'dum is those damn big
skeeters.
Zanthras are offended by your BO.
You have ever used your pike to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used your An'la'shok training with
fishing/bowling/duck hunting.
You have ever had B5 security come to your quarters because you
were playing Skynard too loud.
You have a confederate flag painted on the nose of your White
Star.
You think G'Kar would look better in a flannel.
You ever fantasized about Delenn wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your White Star welded shut and you have to
get in through the window.
You have ever accidentally referred to the Shadows as "them damn
Yankees."
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Zanthras.
You suggested that they outfit the Zen Garden with a tire swing.
You were the only person drinking Budweiser on Minbar.
Your mother could beat up Neroon.
In your opinion, that Draal fellow just "ain't right."
You live in "Red" sector.
You have a velvet painting of Sheriden in your quarters.
You refer to Comdr. Ivanova as a "chick".
Your relatives have come to visit, from New West Virginia, Mars
You use a Minbari fighting pike to prop up the porch roof.
You chew on the end of your denn'bok because it so reminds you of
your straw.
Your brooch is pinned to your straw hat.
You ever dropped your straw hat while unfolding a fighting pike.
Your friends back off a few feet when you unfold your fighting
pike.
You brag : "I was taught the pike by Dirtbag."
Your name is Zathras.
You say "Prepare to die, cousin."
You introduce yourself : "Yello, Dee-lenn. My name is Billy-Bob
"Bubba" Jack-Joe-Smith."
You taunt Marcus by saying : "Why you wearin' that dead racoon?"
Ya know, this feud here with the Yanks... er, Shadows started way
back since my nephew Jack-Joe Billy...
You have a gok skin tacked up to your wall.
You smoke your flarn and dip it in cajun red pepper sauce.
You can belch in ancient Minbari.
You blame the Shadows for losing the civil war.
You repaint your Whitestar to make it a John Deer Greenstar.
Your pin has a picture of a gunrack tapped over it.
You think that Ranger One is another name for the Anla'Shok
Horsetrack.
Even the Pak'Ma'Ra won't touch your cooking when it's your turn
in the mess hall.
You wear your Ranger pin on your bowling shirt.
You keep your pike in the same holster as your can 'o chewing
tobacco.
You wear a pair of Narn-skin boots with your tunic.
You tried to install naked lady mud flaps on the back of your
White Star.
You can shoot pool with your pike.
You think that "Down Below" refers to a place you wash on
Saturdays.
Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2002
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: FW: How to please your IT department
Get ready for sarcasm overload. You know what? It's all true, too.
Dedicated to anyone who's ever worked in system support or a help desk of any kind.
> > 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it > buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, > dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and > we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. > > 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages > from here. > > 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That > way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us > to remember 700 screen saver passwords. > > 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping > you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your > mail because your computer won't power on at all. > > 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete > it at once. We're just testing. > > 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and > spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. > > 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and > flags it as a rush delivery. > > 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's > electronics in it. > > 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer > support. We can fix your telephone line from here. > > 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call > computer support. We're collectors. > > 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. > person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the > problem. We love a puzzle. > > 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have > cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. > > 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in > a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by > shortly?" That motivates us. > > 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. > Print jobs frequently that get sucked into black holes. > > 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to > all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. > > 16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly > what you mean by "My thingy blew up". > > 17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. > > 18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your > dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were > designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them. > > 19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the > mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of > muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. > > 20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes > button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't > be doing it, would you? > > 21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit > uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. > We don't have any money to speak of anyway. > > 22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about > that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of > professional expertise referred to as crap. > > 23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. > support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and > Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional > engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics. > > 24. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary > to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a > third party who doesn't know anything about the problem. > > 25. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a > mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server. > > 26. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller > chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the > queue. > > 27. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. > People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on. > > 28. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a > Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends. > > 29. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. > Computer names are just a cosmetic feature. > > 30. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, > leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and > drivers somewhere. > > 31. Keep it crashing! >
From: Eldeen
Date: Jan 31 2001
Subject: FW: no strings attached > > > > > > > > > > A man has spent many days crossing the desert without > > > > > water. His camel > > > > > > > dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain > > > > > that he has > > > > > > > breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an > > > > > object sticking out of > > > > > > > the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the > > > > > object, pulls it > > > > > > > out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old > > > > > brief case. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no > > > > > ordinary genie. He > > > > > > > is wearing a Revenue Canada badge and dull grey suit. > > > > > There's a > > > > > > > calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind > > > > > one ear. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You > > > > > have three wishes." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going > > > > > to trust a Revenue > > > > > > > Canada employee. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, > > > > > > > and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that > > > > > the genie is > > > > > > > right. "OK, I wish I were in a > > > > > > > lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > **POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful > > > > > oasis he has ever > > > > > > > seen, surrounded with jugs of > > > > > > > wine and platters of delicacies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "OK, kid, what's your second wish." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest > > > > > dreams." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure > > > > > chests filled > > > > > > > with rare gold coins and precious gems. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a > > > > > good one!" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish > > > > > that no matter > > > > > > > what; wherever I go > > > > > > > beautiful women will want and need me." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The moral of the story? If Revenue Canada offers you > > > > > anything, there's > > > > > > > going to be a string attached! > >
Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2002
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: RULES of Life!
Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally ... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002
From: "James Green"
Subject: OT: NonSense?
Chris : "... It's been kind of quiet lately, so I thought I'd post some random musing type nonsense ...."
Nonsence is allowed? Cool !!
http://www.code7r.org/Bintoons/bt1.htm
Date: Thu, 31 Jan 2002
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: For all those wondering....Enron Explained
ENRON EXPLAINED:
In case you were wondering how Enron came into so much trouble, here is an explanation reputedly given by a Colorado Aggie professor to explain it in terms his students could understand.
Capitalism
You have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get
all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of
the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to
your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows,
with an option on six more.
Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Sat, 2 Feb 2002
From: "Cecilia Long"
Subject: FW: (fwd) Marketing Explaind - FINALLY!
>Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense.... > >You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in >bed." That's Direct Marketing. > >You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your >friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." >That's Advertising. > >You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone >number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's >Telemarketing. > >You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, >you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her >bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm >fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. > >You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear >you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. >
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Thu, 7 Feb 2002
From: "Cecilia Long"
Subject: FW: Valentines
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock. "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him." [This message contained attachments]
From: Eldeen
Date: Feb 14
Suject: FWD: The Rope
From: Bill Moran
There were 11 people dangling from a rope over a cliff. Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a real touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
Never underestimate the power of a woman.
Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2002
From: "Red Wulf" redwulf50@hotmail.com
Subject: OT; A Woman's Random Thoughts:
My sister sent me this, but I thought y'all might like it.
A Woman's Random Thoughts:
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. *************************************************************** Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. *************************************************************** A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit. *************************************************************** They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch...do it and you die." *************************************************************** The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. *************************************************************** I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. *************************************************************** "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing a necktie. How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
From: Eldeen
Date: Feb 19
Subject: Fwd: Resource Management at it's Best
> > > Subject: Resource Management at it's Best > > > > > A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. > The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" > The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" > The doctor was puzzled but agreed. > > When the couple finished,the doctor said: "There's nothing > wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged > them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row. > The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no > apparent problems, pay the doctor, then leave. > > Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying > to find out?" > > The man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. > She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we > can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90 and the Hilton > charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare." > > > >
Message: 13 Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 From: "James Green" Subject: An'La 'Shok Message To The Prime Minister To: Prime Minister, Tony Blair From: An'La'Shok Dear Prime Minister, We heard your army mistakenly invaded Spain recently and would like to offer our assistance. The An'La'Shok has many Rangers world wide capable of determining Gibraltar from Spain. We would like to suggest Rangers Dave and Neil and the Kevlar couch. Should your troops need a more intensive instruction, we could send other locals including Jayne, Wanderingscholar, Liz, ... etc. We are here to serve, The Rangers P.S. : For the trip home, tell the troops the UK is on that big island to the North West or if they wish to remain dry, just head Northeast to France and hang a left at the Chunnel. [This message contained attachments]
Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 From: "wanderingscholar" Subject: Re: An'La 'Shok Message To The Prime Minister To: Anla shok Jim From: Ranger Scouting Party Preliminary intelligence reports strange time fluxuations and an unexplained shifting of the established border between Spain and Gibraltar. Also the appearance among the troops of a ragged being calling himself Zathras and muttering "This is wrong map....." Anla 'Shok Lenelle (aka Wanderingscholar) --- In Code7R@y..., "James Green" wrote: > To: Prime Minister, Tony Blair > From: An'La'Shok > > Dear Prime Minister, >
Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2002 02:14:40 -0000 From: "David Maciver" Subject: Re: An'La 'Shok Message To The Prime Minister I should listen to the news right? I have no idea what this is about... Ranger Dave, and I would lead us to invade France by "mistake" anyway... ----- Original Message ----- From: James Green To: Code7R@yahoogroups.com Sent: Tuesday, February 19, 2002 7:01 PM Subject: [Code7R] An'La 'Shok Message To The Prime Minister To: Prime Minister, Tony Blair From: An'La'Shok Dear Prime Minister,
Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 15:08:00 +0200 From: "Argo H." Subject: OT Joke - 1 Two Drivers. A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God." The man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head wisely, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No thanks, I think I'll just wait for the police..." If you play a Microsoft disk backwards you hear Demonic music... If you play it forwards it installs Windows! _________________ Message: 2 Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 15:08:18 +0200 From: "Argo H." Subject: OT Joke - 3 All you ever need to know, learned from Noah. One - Don't miss the boat. Two - Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three - Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four - Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really big. Five - Don't listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six - Build your future on high ground. Seven - For safety's sake travel in pairs. Eight - Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine - When you're stressed, float awhile. Ten - Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals. Eleven - No matter the storm, when you are with God there's always a rainbow waiting. If you play a Microsoft disk backwards you hear Demonic music... If you play it forwards it installs Windows! _________________________________ Message: 3 Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 15:08:25 +0200 From: "Argo H." Subject: OT Joke - 4 Extract from a complaint letter: "I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo. Its eyes bulged out and turned red. If you tested your stuff on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn't happen." If you play a Microsoft disk backwards you hear Demonic music... If you play it forwards it installs Windows! _______________________ Message: 4 Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 15:08:10 +0200 From: "Argo H." Subject: OT Joke - 2 Craps... Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then, she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" Then, she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!" If you play a Microsoft disk backwards you hear Demonic music... If you play it forwards it installs Windows! Message: 5 Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 15:14:02 +0200 From: "Argo H." Subject: OT Joke - 5 Anti-Stress Exercise. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under water. There now...feeling better? If you play a Microsoft disk backwards you hear Demonic music... If you play it forwards it installs Windows! ______________________________ Message: 6 Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2002 From: "michel_r_huber" Subject: Re: OT Joke - 5 > Anti-Stress Exercise. > > Picture yourself near a stream. > Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. > Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. > You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing > sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. > The water is clear. > You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding > under water. > There now...feeling better? > No! Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold twenty people underwater?! ;-} 'Chel
Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2002
From: "kris ..."
Subject: Fwd: B5 nugget
I got this from a friend of mine - apologies if it's already been posted
here (ie: if it's old news), but I thought it was worth passing along to the
list :)
-kris
>Subject: B5 nugget
>Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2002 02:54:40 -0800
>
>
>While browsing the Babylon 5 newsgroup, I came across this nugget:
>
>>Dunno if anyone's been paying attention to this or not, but recently
>Samuel L. Jackson was discussing how he begged Lucas to let him have a
>purple lightsaber in AOTC. Lucas said something along the lines of
>"no, the good guys have blue or green ones, and the bad guys have
>red".
>
>So, you can imagine the argument:
>Lucas: Green!
>Jackson: Purple!
>Lucas: Green!
>Jackson: Purple!
>
From: Purple
Date: Feb 26
Subect: Fwd: Fractured 6th-Grade Interpretations
---------------------------------------------------
The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test.
Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.
1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2) Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3) Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9) Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Ra ligh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11) The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13) Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided ag ainst itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14) Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15) Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
16) Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17) The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
18) Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers
From: Red Wulf
Date: Feb 27
Subject: Fwd: FW: Inner Peace
I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.