Jokes gathered in April and May of 2002
Date: Sun, 1 Jul 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: Commandments for felines
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that house plants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
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Date: Sun, 01 Jul 2001
From: "Sharon"
Subject: RE: Commandments for felines
That's true. A dog comes when you call him. A cat takes a message and gets back to you.
Sharon
-----Original Message-----
From: Garibaldi's Cat
Sent: Sunday, July 01, 2001
Subject: Re: [B5RS] Commandments for felines
Oh, but they can!!! They can and they understand... they just don't care!
LOL!
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: PMS in the Bible
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety
of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I
don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure
it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read, ". . .And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Bethlehem."
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002
From: "Cecilia Long"
Subject: FW: email
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased.
So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either.
[This message contained attachments]
Code 7R Joke :)
From: "neil"
Date: Sat Apr 13, 2002
Subject: Humour . . .
Those with former - or even current military associations might appreciate these - they could have come from the lips of Mr Garibaldi himself!!
Ranger Neil.
Murphy's Military Maxims
Aim towards Enemy - Instruction printed on Drazi Rocket Launcher.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid.
Cluster bombing from Thunderbolts is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with greenish, baggy skin.
Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
You, you, and you. . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire.
Tracers work both ways.
Five-second fuses only last three seconds.
Who cares if a laser-guided 500-pound bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?
The easy way is always mined.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
Push to test. . . Release to detonate.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Any ship can be a minesweeper. . . once.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them and when you're not ready for them.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
Friendly fire - isn't.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002
From: "Frieda"
Subject: Early Retirement
>Early Retirement > >As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for >department areas, we are forced to cut down on our >number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees >will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting >the retention of younger people who represent our >future. Therefore, a program to phase out older >personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via >retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. > >This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged >Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the >opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. >SLAPPED employees can request a review of their >employment records before actual retirement takes >place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW >(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All >employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an >appeal with upper management. > >This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority >Following Termination). Under the terms of the new >policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, >but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems >appropriate. If an employee follows the above >procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half >Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance) or CLAP >(Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she >already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or >Spouse). > >As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any >employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer >be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes >to assure the younger employees who remain on board that >the company will continue its policy of training >employees through our Special High Intensity Training >(SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our >employees receive. We have given our employees more >SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee >feels they do not reeive enough SHIT on the job, see >your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially >trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can >stand. > >And, once again, thanks for all your years of service >with us. > >The Management
Frieda
---------
"Metaphysician, heal thyself."
From Eldeen:
> > A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit > jump out across the > > middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting > it, but unfortunately > > the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. > > The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal > lover, pulls over and > > gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. > Much to his dismay, the > > rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he > begins to cry. > > A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway > sees a man crying on > > the side of the road and pulls over. She steps > out of the car and asks > > the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he > explains, "I accidentally > > hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, > "Don't worry." She runs > > to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks > over to the limp, dead > > rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto > the rabbit. The rabbit > > jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and > hops off down the road. > > Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and > waves again, he hops > > down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, > hops another ten feet, > > turns and waves and repeats this again and again > and again, until he > > hops off out of sight. The man is astonished. He > runs over to the > > woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did > you spray on that > > rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that > the man can read the > > label. It says..... > > > > Are you ready for this?) > > > > > > > > > > > > (Are you sure?) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > (This is bad! ) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > (You know you could just click off and not read > the punch line.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > (You know you're gonna be sorry.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > (OK, here it is!) > > > > > > > > > > > > It says; Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, > and adds a permanent > wave. > > > > > > >
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: FW: Should've been done with a lawyer.
Probably not true but funny nonetheless. Dont have time to hoax check it,
so I am assuming it is not true, but still funny! Wonder if you could
actually get away with this....!??
Cecilia
Text sent me/.
This letter is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The
Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NewYork
Times. Well worth the read!!
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has
only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing
that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me
on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be
blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in
2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very
bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited
and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following
changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, everchanging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must
nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by
a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing
field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you
will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank,
the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time
and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as
follows:
1.To make an appointment to see me.
2.To query a missing payment.
3.To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.
8.To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9.To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of
Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every
door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if everso-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2002
From: "Dianne"
Subject: mary poppins
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously. "Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied. "And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same gentleman was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs ....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!"
[This message contained attachments]
From: Eldeen
May 16
> > > > A blonde was driving home and got caught in a > really bad hail storm. > > > > > > > > Her car was covered with dents, so > > > > the next day she took it to a repair shop. > > > > > > > > The shop owner saw that she was a > > > > blonde, so he decided to have some fun. > > > > > > > > He told her just to go home and blow into the > tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. > > > > > > > > So, the blonde went home, got down on her > hands and knees and started > > > > blowing into her tailpipe. > > > > Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, > and still nothing happened. > > > > > > > > Her roommate, another blonde, came home and > said, "What are you doing?" > > > > > > > > The first blonde told her how the > > > > repairman had instructed her to blow into the > tailpipe in order to get > > > > all the dents to pop out. > > > > > > > > Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, > > > > ...."HELLLLLOOOOO ! > > > > You need to roll up the windows first!" > > > >
From Eldeen
May 23
Subject: Martha Stewart's Tips for RedNecks
IN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good
his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of
her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station
bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter
is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school
on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5
seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
From: Eldeen
May 30th
Fwd: Are you in heaven?
>An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the >world. > For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. >So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that >he would work his way across the country from South to North. > >On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he >noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read >"$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who >was strolling by what the telephone was used for. > > > > > > > >The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for >$10,000 you could talk to God. > > > > > > > >The American thanked the priest and went along his way. > > > > > > > >Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the >same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this >was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby >nun what its purpose was. > > > > > > > >She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 > >he could talk to God. > > > > > > > > "O.K., thank you," said the American. > > > > > > > > He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, >and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the > >same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. > > > > > > > > The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided > >to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Montreal, and >again, there > > > > > > > was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under >it read "10 cents per call." The >American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. > > > > > > > >"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden >telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to > >Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so >cheap here?" > > > > > > > >The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local >call".
Date: Fri, 31 May 2002
From: "shadowprobed"
Subject: Re: Blondes
Subject: Fwd: A Blonde Convention
> > 80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs' Arrowhead Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." > > > > The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" > > > > A blonde steps up. The leader asks her, > > > > "What is 15 plus 15?" > > > > After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen." > > > > Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 79,999 blondes start cheering, > > > > "Give her another chance, give her another chance." > > > > The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you and the worldwide press here, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" > > > > After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, > > > > "Ninety?" > > > > The leader is quite perplexed and sighs-everyone is disheartened, the > > blonde starts crying and the 79,999 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, > > > > "Give her another chance, give her another chance." > > > > The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "OK!, one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" > > > > The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four." > > > > Through out the stadium 79,999 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, > > > > "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" -------------------------------------- Did you hear about the blonde that changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said: >> "good for up to 20 pounds". --------------------- A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth". ---------------- A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found a blond secretary standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the blonde, "this is important, and my boss has left. Can you make this thing work? "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the blonde as her paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." --------------------