Jokes from August and September ’02
From: Eldeen
Date: Aug 22, 2002
Subject: Fwd: Not my Son
> > > > > > > > > Subject: Not my son....... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >This is hilarious for those with or without kids! > > > > > > > > > >This is a riot! > > > > > > > > > > For all of us who have or have had small > > > > > > > > > children... > > > > > > > > > > we can relate! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My three year old son had a lot of problems with > > > > > > > > > potty training; > > > > > > > > > > and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at > > > > > > > > > Taco Bell for > > > > > > > > > > a quick lunch in between errands. It was very > > > > > > > > > busy, with a full dining > > > > > > > > > > room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something > > > > > > > > > funny, so of > > > > > > > > > > course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and > > > > > > > > > she was clean. > > > > > > > > > > Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go > > > > > > > > > potty in a while, so I > > > > > > > > > > asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh > > > > > > > > > Lord, that child has > > > > > > > > > > had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with > > > > > > > > > me." > > > > > > > > > > Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have > > > > > > > > > an accident?" > > > > > > > > > > "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, > > > > > > > > > because the > > > > > > > > > > smell was getting worse. Sooooo.... I asked one > > > > > > > > > more time, > > > > > > > > > > "Matt, did you have an accident?" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over > > > > > > > > > and spread his cheeks and > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > yelled.... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" > > > > > > > > > > While 100 people nearly choked to death on their > > > > > > > > > tacos, he calmly pulled > > > > > > > > > > up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if > > > > > > > > > nothing happened. > > > > > > > > > > I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me > > > > > > > > > feel a lot better when > > > > > > > > > > they came over and thanked me for the best laugh > > > > > > > > > they had ever had!!! > > > > > > > > > > Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking > > > > > > > > > lot as we were leaving > > > > > > > > > > and said "son, my wife accuses me of the same > > > > > > > > > thing all the time...I just > > > > > > > > > > never had the nerve to make the point like you > > > > > > > > > did." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
From: "Fan" (pbfhfan@c...)
Date: Mon Aug 19, 2002 11:34 pm
Subject: OT kinda... but pretty fun
It's got sci-fi elements in it....
THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?~~~~~
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University."Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.
---------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.-----------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Jim) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.--------------------------------------------------------
(Jim) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.---------------------------------------------------------
(jim) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) Ass hole.---------------------------------------------------------
(jim) Bitch.---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) Wanker.---------------------------------------------------------
(jim) slut.--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) Get f*cked.---------------------------------------------------------
(jim) Eat shit.-------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca) F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!---------------------------------------------------------
(jim) Go drink some tea - whore.*********************************************
(teacher) A+ - I really liked this one.
From: Redwulf (a.k.a. ‘He whom you should never get into a character fight with’)
Date: Sept 9th, 2002
Subject: New HeroIt was daybreak, the day he showed up the first time dressed in jeans a tee shirt black work boots, an Atlanta Braves hat and Dark shades. He would have been preetuy common place in the smalltown in Central Georgia except that he was flying, yep he flew into Old Marie's Dairy that morning to help defend it from a band of Animal rights terrorists that were trying to free the cows.
I know, I know not too bright, not with the dairy being right next to the interstate, but you know how those types are, all passion and no brains. The other Strange thing, not as strange as a flying redneck, but pretty close, was the fact that these terrorists were against milking cows, but they all carried old hoglegs. I mean kill a human but don't milk the cows. Hehehe, yeah I know plum stupid. You know they started shooting and the bullets didn't even break his shades. He gatheredum up so quick that they barely had time to argue.
Me and Ma thought that them TV reporters from up Macon way might come down and interveiw us, but naw, they went straight to that Trailerpark, off Old Henry road, You know the one, the one with all the dope heads. Yep they like interveiwing white trash, hell what would White Trash know about a redneck, Especially about the world's First Redneck superhero.
Captain Amazing
From: Eldeen
Date: Sept 11, 2002
Subject : Fwd: Fw: e-mail error (humour)
> > THE IMPORTANCE OF USING THE CORRECT E-MAIL ADDRESS > > It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, > Minnesota, who decided to go to Florida for a few > days to thaw out during one particularly cold > winter. Because both of them worked, they had some > difficulty coordinating > travel schedules. They finally decided that the > husband would leave for Florida on a certain day and > the wife would follow him the day after. > > The man made it down to Florida as planned and went > directly to his hotel. Once in his room, he decided > to open his laptop and send his > wife, who was still back in Minnesota, an e-mail. > However, he accidentally left off one > letter in typing his wife's e-mail address and sent > the e-mail off without realizing his error. > > In another part of the country, a widow had just > returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran > pastor of many years, who had been > "called home to glory" just a few days earlier. > > She decided to check her e-mail because she was > expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and > friends. Upon reading the first message she let out > a loud scream, fainted, and fell to the floor. > > The woman's son rushed into the room and found his > mother lying on the floor. He glanced up at the > computer screen and saw the following: > > To: My Loving Wife > > Subject: I've arrived! > > I've just checked in. Everything has been prepared > for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to > seeing you then! > > Your Devoted Husband > > P.S. Sure is hot down here! > >
From : "Jaxa"
Subject : *g*
Date : Sun, 15 Sep 2002
Just in case you don't know it already:
http://www.oocities.org/Area51/Rampart/9418/dieb.html
Fight the bad mood! ;)
Jaxa
From: Eldeen
Date: Sept 16, 2002
Subject: Fwd: OK Girls...
>Subject: OK Girls...
>
>A nice little chuckle and a reminder about breast cancer.
>
>There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way to it.
>
>Finally, here's something other than smiley faces....
>
>
>
>Perfect breasts
>
>(o)(o)
>
>
>Fake silicone breasts
>
>( + )( + )
>
>
>Perky breasts
>
> (*)(*)
>
>
>Big nipple breasts
>
>(@)(@)
>
>
>A cups
>
>o o
>
>
>D cups
>
>{ O }{ O }
>
>
>Wonder bra breasts
>
>(oYo)
>
>
>Cold breasts
>
> ( ^ )( ^ )
>
>
>Lopsided breasts
>
>(o)(O)
>
>
>Pierced Nipple Breasts
>
>(Q)(O)
>
>
>Hanging Tassels Breasts
>
>(p)(p)
>
>
>Grandma's Breasts
>
>\ o /\ o /
>
>
>Against The Shower Door Breasts
>
>( )( )
>
>
>Android Breasts
>
>| o | | o |
>
>
>Martha Stewart's Breasts
>
>($)($)
>
>
>Mamogrammed Breasts
>
> ___ ___
>
>
>And God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is
>there anything you'd like to have changed?"
>
>She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was
>done, and
>it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast
>in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
>
>
>
>And God created man.
>
>
>OK Girls -- now that you have had your laugh, remember... Breast Cancer
>Awareness...go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy!
~~~~
From: "Frieda"
Subject: [Code7R] Very Short Books
Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002
This is from another list I'm on...I thought you guys might enjoy it too. :-)
> > Marcus Cole's Guide to Good Sex > > > > Anger Mangement for Dummies by Susan Ivanova > > > > Narns I Have Loved by Londo Mollari > > > > Centauri I Have Loved by G'Kar > > How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Alfred Bester > > How to Make Your Marriage Work, by Elizabeth Lochley and John Sheridan > > How to Get a Tan Without Burning Up, by Neroon (Okay, so I'm sick...[g]) > > The Brakiri Handbook of Surgery > > Cooking in Tight Quarters, by John Sheridan >
From: Eldeen
Date: Sept 25
> > > > >EVER WONDER ~~~~ > > > > > > > > > >a.. Why the sun lightens our hair, but > darkens our skin? > > > > >b.. Why women can't put on mascara with their > mouth closed? > > > > >c.. Why don't you ever see the headline > "Psychic Wins Lottery"? > > > > >d.. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? > > > > >e.. Why is it that doctors call what they do > "practice"? > > > > >f.. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you > have to click on "Start"? > > > > >g.. Why is lemon juice made with artificial > flavor, and dishwashing > > > > >liquid is made with real lemons? > > > > >h.. Why is the man who invests all your money > called a broker? > > > > >i.. Why is the time of day with the slowest > traffic called rush hour? > > > > >j.. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? > > > > >k.. When dog food is new and improved > tasting, who tests it? > > > > >l.. Why didn't Noah swat those two > mosquitoes? > > > > >m.. Why do they sterilize the needle for > lethal injections? > > > > >n.. You know that indestructible black box > that is used on airplanes? > > > > >Why don't they make the whole plane out of > that stuff? > > > > >o.. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? > > > > >p.. Why are they called apartments when they > are all stuck together? > > > > >q.. If con is the opposite of pro, is > Congress the opposite of > > > > progress? > > > > >r.. If flying is so safe, why do they call > the airport the terminal? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >In case you needed further proof that the > human race is doomed > > > > >through stupidity, here are some actual label > instructions on > > > > consumer > > > > >goods. > > > > > > > > > >1.. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while > sleeping. ( and > > > > >that's the only time I have to work on my > hair.) > > > > >2.. On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a > winner! No purchase > > > > >necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter > special?) > > > > >3.. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use > like regular soap." > > > > >(and that would be how??...) > > > > >4.. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving > suggestion: > > > > >Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.) > > > > >5.. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on > bottom): "Do not > > > > >turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, > huh!) > > > > >6.. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: > "Product will be hot > > > > >after heating." (...and you thought????...) > > > > >7.. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not > iron clothes on > > > > >body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) > > > > >8.. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do > not drive a car or > > > > >operate machinery after taking this > medication." (We could do a lot > > > > to > > > > >reduce the rate of construction accidents if > we could just get those > > > > >5-year- > > > > > > > > > >olds with head colds off those forklifts.) > > > > >9.. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause > drowsiness." (And... > > > > >I'm taking this because???....) > > > > >10.. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For > indoor or outdoor > > > > >use only." (As opposed to...what?) > > > > >11.. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be > used for the > > > > >other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me > on this. I'm a bit > > > > curious.) > > > > >12.. On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: > contains nuts." (Talk > > > > >about a news flash) > > > > >13.. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: > "Instructions: > > > > >Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, > uh...fly Delta?) > > > > >14.. On a child's superman costume: "Wearing > of this garment > > > > >does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame > the company. I blame the > > > > >parents > > > > > > > > > >for this one.) > > > > >15.. On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt > to stop chain with > > > > >your hands or genitals." (..Was there a lot > of this happening > > > > >somewhere?) > > > > > > > > > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's > your turn to spread the > > > > >stupidity and send this to someone you want > to bring a smile to > > > > >(maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send > it to everyone. We all > > > > need > > > > >to smile every once in a while. > > > > > > > > >
From: Eldeen
Date: Sept 25
> > Subject: FW: Sisterhood - for the women in our > lives... > > We are all great ladies!!! > > Make sure you read this-- the lines at the bottom > are hysterical!!! > > > > WOMEN > > They smile when they want to scream. > > They sing when they want to cry. > > They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are > nervous. > > They fight for what they believe in. > > They stand up for injustice. > > They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe > there is a better > solution. > > They go without new shoes so their children can have > them. > > They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. > > They love unconditionally. > > They cry when their children excel and cheer when > their friends get awards. > > They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new > marriage. > > Their hearts break when a friend dies. > > They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet > they are strong when > they think there is no strength left. > > They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken > heart. > > Women come in all SIZES, in all colors > > They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show > how much they care about > you. > > The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! > > Women do more than just give birth. > > They bring joy and hope. > > They give compassion and ideals. > > They give moral support to their family and friends. > > Women have a lot to say and a lot to give. > > > > This has been sent to you from someone who respects > you as a woman. Pass it > along to your woman friends to remind them how > amazing they > are............Keep scrolling, there's more!!!! > > > > IT'S BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MONTH > > IT'S GOOD TO BE THE WOMAN > > > > We got off the Titanic first. > > We can scare male bosses with mysterious > gynecological disorder excuses. > > Taxis stop for us. > > We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. > > No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The > Speedo. > > We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. > > If we forget to shave, no one has to know. > > We can congratulate our teammate without ever > touching her rear. > > We never have to reach down every so often to make > sure our privates are > still there. > > We have the ability to dress ourselves. > > We can talk to people of the opposite sex without > having to picture them > naked. > > If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware > that we look like an > idiot. > > There are times when chocolate really can solve all > your problems. > > We'll never regret piercing our ears. > > We can fully assess a person just by looking at > their shoes. > > We can make comments about how silly men are in > their presence, because they > aren't listening anyway. > > > SEND THIS TO FIVE BRIGHT WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKE > THEIR DAY!!! >
From: Eldeen
Date: Oct 1 (ya get a bonus joke!)
> > ----- Original Message ----- ----- > Sent: Saturday, September 28, 2002 6:04 PM > Subject: Denver Airport > > > True Story at Denver Airport > This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of > this girl. For all of you out there who've had to > deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. > It's a classic! An award should go to the > United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart > and funny, while making her point, when confronted > with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as > cargo. > > > A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. > A single agent was rebooking a long line of > inconvenienced travelers. > Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to > the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and > said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be > FIRST CLASS." > The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be > happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these > folks first, and I'm > sure we'll be able to work something out." > The passenger was unimpressed. He asked > loudly, so > that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO > YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM! ?" > Without hesitating, the agent smiled and > grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have > your attention please," she began, her voice heard > clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a > passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE > IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please > come to Gate 14." > With the folks behind him in line laughing > hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, > gritted his teeth and > swore "F*** You!" > > > Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm > sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that > too." > > . > >
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