Posted from December, 2002
... this might be the last big collection, I no longer have the time to belong to the mailings lists where I used to get most of my jokes. Call this the probable last stand, but if someone still sends me jokes, I will still post them.
~~~~
(Not all of these are from December, but now is when I searched them out.)
From: Dylan_Roberts
Sent: 14/10/2002
OIL SHORTAGEThere are a lot of folks who can't understand how they came to have an oil shortage in the USA.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. They just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical.
All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C
~~~~
From: MyAngelBebe
Sent: 26/05/2002
CHILI COOK-OFFSNOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Frank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
~~~~
From: MyAngelBebe
Sent: 25/05/2002
Religions of the world
No offense to any one of any of these religions. It was copied from a T-Shirt.
Taoism: Shit happens. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens." Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Jehovah's Witness: Knock. Knock. "Shit happens." Atheism: There is no shit. Agnosticism: I don't know whether shit happens. Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder. Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserved it. Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?~~~~
From: ca_Havok
Sent: 23/05/2002
i copied this from jokes.comSatanic Starbucks
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
~~~~
From: Waarl
Cow World - version
Sent: 04/04/2002Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.Enviromentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.~~~~
From: MyAngelBebe
Falling Down Drunk
Sent: 07/03/2002An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Angel
~~~~
From: MyAngelBebe
Cowboys
Sent: 07/03/2002Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
~~~~
From: Eldeen Barrett
Subject: Fwd: Fw: 'Letters to God from Dogs' & 'Ukrainian Sausage'
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 2002
> > > >LETTERS TO GOD FROM THE DOG > > > > > > > >Dear God, How come people love to smell > flowers, but seldom, if ever, > > > >smell one another? Where are their priorities? > > > > > > > >Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on > your couch? Or is it the same old story? > > > > > > > >Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars > named after the jaguar, > > > >the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the > stingray, and the rabbit, but not > > > >one named for a dog? How often do you see a > cougar riding around? We dogs > > > >love a nice ride! I know every breed can't > have its own model, but it would > > > >be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the > Chrysler Beagle! > > > > > > > >Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the > forest and no human > > > >hears him, does he still get his butt whacked > with a newspaper? > > > > > > > >Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining > room tables have on-ramps? > > > > > > > >Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that > good, or bad? > > > > > > > >Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti. > > > > > > > >Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do > we have to do that > > > >stupid shake hands trick to get in? > > > > > > > >Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal > instructions, hand > > > >signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, > scent IDs, electromagnetic energy > > > >fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do > humans understand? > > > > > > > >Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or > are we alone? I have been > > > >howling at the moon and stars for a long time, > but all I ever hear back is > > > >the aroused beagle across the street. > > > > > > > >Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there > are, will I have to apologize to them? > > > > > > > >Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed > in restaurants because we can't make > > > >up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the > accident on the carpet thing, again? > > > > > > > >Dear God, May I have my testicles back? > > > > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > >Ukrainian Sausage > > > A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, > "I'd like some Ukrainian sausage." > > > > > > The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you > Ukrainian?" > > > > > > The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I > am. But let me ask you > > > something. If I had asked for Italian sausage > would you ask me if I was Italian? > > > > > > Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would > you ask me if I was German? > > > Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you > ask me if I was Jewish? > > > Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if > I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" > > > > > > The clerk says, "Well, no." > > > > > > With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy > says, "Well, all right then, > > > why did you ask me if I'm Ukrainian just > because I ask for Ukrainian sausage?" > > > > > > The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot." > > > > > >From: MyAngelBebe
Sent: 07/03/2002
The Perfect HusbandThere are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:(H = Husband, W = Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes"
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property?"
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Angel
Back to Jokes page
Back to My Nest