<< This is ME!
From: Eldeen
Date: Feb 8th
Re: Fwd: Why men shouldn't babysit ...
From: Eldeen
Date: Dec 30th (yeah, so I forgot it in my inbox ... :p )
Subject: Fwd: Girls School
> > Subject: Girls School > > > > > According to a news report, a certain private > school in Victoria, BC recently was faced > with a unique problem. > > > A number of 12 years old girls > were beginning to use lipstick > and would put it on in the > bathroom. That was fine, but after > they put on their lipstick they > would press their lips to the > mirror leaving dozens of little lip > prints. > Every night, the maintenance man > would remove them > and the next day the girls would > put them back. Finally the principal decided that > something had to be done. > She called all the girls to the > bathroom and met them there > with the maintenance man. She > explained that all these lip > prints were causing a major problem > for the custodian who > had to clean the mirrors every night. > To demonstrate how difficult it > had been to clean the mirrors, > she asked the maintenance man to > show the girls how much > effort was required. He took out a > long handled squeegee, > dipped it in the toilet, and > cleaned the mirror with it. > Since then, there have been no lip > prints on the mirror. > There are teachers, and then there > are educators. > > > > >
From: Eldeen
Date: Feb 8th
Subject: Dr.
> > >> > >>A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, > "Doctor I have this problem > >>with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too > much. They never smell > >>and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've > farted at least 20 times > >>since I've been here in your office. You didn't > know I was farting because > >>they didn't smell and are silent". > >> > >>The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come > back to see me next week." > >> > >>The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she > says, "I don't know > >>what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, > although still silent, stink terribly." > >> > >>"Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared > up your sinuses, > >>let's work on your hearing." > >> >
From: Gok
Date: Feb 15th
Thoughts for the day
1. Don`t sweat the petty things and Don`t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
4. Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
6. If a deaf kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. And whose cruel idea was it to put an `S` in the word `Lisp`?
9. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn`t it scary that doctors call what they do 'practice`?
13. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
14. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
16. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
18. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
22. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
23. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
24. Is it true that cannibals won`t eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
- Heather (who stole this off an internet site) :)
~~~~~
BEHOLD, the power of CHEESE!
- Amazing Gok! of the Three-Cheese Blend (AGotTCB)
Support the International Cheese Team for the Defense of Bad Puns Everywhere!
From: Redwulf
Fwd: French warfare history lesson
Date: Feb 23
Thought y'all might like this.
Sent to me by a friend of mine:
Subject: French warfare history lesson
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots a chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. It was here that the French decided that the best way to run a country was by killing everyone with an education and largely what has turned them into the “world power” that they are today.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to sleep with a winner who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. Fortunately for thousands of France's best looking women, they become their country's only highly valued exports.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "To whom will France surrender first?"
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. [the webmistress apologises to Quebec now ... ]