.

.

March 6th:
"Damn, but they grow some **BIG** rats in NY!"

... This is a real, unedited picture of a 10 ft high rat. It's used almost daily in various protests in New York City. Go figure... Taken by Photographer Dan Patanella, d-patanella @ yahoo.com - say thank you to him!

[... squeaking sounds, then: "Aaaaugh, help! Giant cat! Giant Cat!!"]

---

Wolf Fodder:
Date: March 7th

Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.

What do you get with nun & a blender?
a Twisted Sister

What's a Jewish wife's idea of a perfect house?
6,000 sq. ft., no kitchen, no bedroom.

Enjoy life! Theres plenty of time to be dead!!

---

If God Were A WOMAN..........

Sex would smell like chocolate.

Farts would smell like roses.

Dogs would smell spring fresh.

Babies would come from vending machines.

Men would be born with a permanent erection.

All women would have the same size breasts.

There would be no cellulite.

Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.

Men would be born with an "OFF" switch.

There would be no "Tittie Bars"....Male Revue would continue.

Every man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife.

All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii.

Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.

Men would come with software to be custom designed.

Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife.

Men would have built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth.

Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches.

Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.

Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.

Viagra would become an over-the-counter drug.

---

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.

So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while... He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So.... you finish?"

After a slight pause she replies, "No."

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first... and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So.... you finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No."

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.

This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks tiredly, "So... you finish?"

"No. I'm Swedish."

---

A blonde goes to the gym and asks the instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
The instructor looked at her and asked "how flexible are you?"
"Well" said the blonde, "I can't make Tuesdays".

---

Date: March 12th:

What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great Lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law and a great lawyer knows the judge.

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".

---

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy.

Unlike the usual patients,he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?"

To which the fellow responds "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"

---

Hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying.
"Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked.
Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog."
Hank said, "OH My! Was he mad?"
Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed."

A couple were driving through the countryside in an old, beat-up Volkswagen. The fertile quiet of the scenery began to inspire some lascivious thoughts, so they decided to pull over to the side of the road and engage in a little love making.

The girl quickly jumped out of the cramped car, stripped, lay spread-eagle on the lush, green grass, and waited. And waited. And waited...

"Honey," she yelled, "if you dont get out of dat Volkswagen, I's won't be in the mood much longer!"

"Baby," he lamented, "if I don't get out of the mood, I won't get out of this here Volkswagen!"

---

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story."

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside."

"I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up."

"I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . . . "

"and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!!

From: Eldeen
Date: April 4th

> Subject: Fw: FW: Fwd: Fw: happy little fly.
> To: 
> 

> > > >
> > >
> > > >Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly
> buzzing around a barn when
> > >
> > > > > >she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow
> manure. Since it had been
> > >
> > > > > >hours since her last meal and she was
> feeling hunger pangs, she flew down
> > >
> > > > >to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out.
> > >
> > > > > >
> > >
> > > > > >She ate and ate...and then...she ate some
> more!!! Finally, she decided
> > >
> > > > > >she'd had plenty. She washed her face with
> her tiny front legs, belched a
> > >
> > > > > >few times, then attempted to fly away. But
> alas...she had eaten far too
> > >
> > > > > >much and could not get off the ground.
> Wondering what to do about this
> > >
> > > > > >unpleasant situation, she looked around and
> spotted a pitchfork leaning
> > >
> > > > > >upright against the barn wall. She'd found
> a solution!! She realized if she
> > >
> > > > > >could just climb up that handle and jump
> off to become airborne she'd be
> > >
> > > > > >able to fly again. So, she painstakingly
> climbed to the top of the handle.
> > >
> > > > > >Once there, she took a deep breath, spread
> her tiny wings, and leaped
> > >
> > > > > >confidently into the air. She dropped like
> a rock and splattered all over the floor.
> > >
> > > > > >
> > >
> > > > > >Dead Fly.
> > >
> > > > > >
> > >
> > > > > >What is the moral of this sad story?
> > >
> > > > > >
> > >
> > > > > >"Never fly off the handle when you know
> you're full of shit."
> > >
> > > > >
> > >

---

From: Red Wulf
Date: April 22nd
Re: Fwd: [STUPIDJOKE] CHINESE PROVERBS

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

I've been in love with the same woman for many years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

"I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"

CHINESE PROVERBS 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who run in front of car get tired. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who run behind car get exhausted. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man with one chopstick go hungry. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who fart in church sit in own pew. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
>Crowded elevator smell different to midget. 
> > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


Fifteen Things to do at Walmart while your spouse is taking his or her 
sweet time: 

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they 
aren't looking. 

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms. 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in 
housewares," and see what happens. 

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll 
invite them in only if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't 
you people just leave me alone?" 

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows 
where the antidepressants are. 

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 
"Mission Impossible." 

12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different 
funnels. 

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! 
PICK ME!" 

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal 
position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again." 

and last but not least, 

15. Go into a fitting room and yell loudly, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper 
in here!"