..
From: Netizen
Date: May 17th 2003
Re: Check these out once again...Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I'm not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!
Forgive your enemies but remember their names
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
- He said he wanted more proof.Some pain is physical and some is mental, but one that's both is dental.
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Have a nice weekend... :)
From: Aubrey
Date: May 20th
Subject: FW: The Little Boy And The PriestThe Little Boy And The Priest
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: Blonde Funnies...
Date: Tue, 20 May 2003HOW BLONDE WAS SHE??
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the Army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote Sagittarius."She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought she could only use her AM radio in the morning.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for:
"This Goes In Front!!" From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: Dumb?
Date: Wed, 21 May 2003????Aubrey
Funnies for those who CAN think outside the box...LOL...
1: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken Mc Nuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six Mc Nuggets.
2: The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
> THREE -----MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
3: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
4: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
5: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6: I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
> Seven ------IDIOTS & COMPUTERS...
7: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: Mental Health
Date: Thu, 22 May 2003W/O comment.
.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go Home?"
From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: What I Want in a Man
Date: Tue, 27 May 2003Yessss...
one for the ladies...+ What I Want in a Man
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic loverWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a weekWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekendsWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekendsWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekendWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
From: netizen
Subject: holy man
Date: Tue, 3 Jun 2003
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning,he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > But can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!Ha!Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Cheers !!!From: Aubrey
Subject: Don't get grabby.
Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2003Heh! Heh! Heh! Ya' just hav'ta' love this'un.
AubreyFrom the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: Bird Joke
Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2003Enjoy!
Punny......A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little wren she found out in the snow.
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!"
The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence. "Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled wren."
*
No groaning allowed.
From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: FW: FW: Three Bullets
Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2003
Subject: Three Bullets A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."From: Aubrey
Subject: Fw: Smart Student
Date: June 9th
Subject: Smart Student It was the first day of school and a new student named Atari, the son of a newly emigrated Japanese restaurateur, entered fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw sea of blank faces, except for Atari, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Atari: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Atari, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Atari put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Atari said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Atari jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Atari frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" And Atari said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: check this out
Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2003
A bit baudy but a good chuckle! Honesty is the best policy Jack and Bob Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good- looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!!From: Netizen
Subject: Texas Baby
Date: June 19 2003
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs: "That's about average down home, Folks. Like I said, 'My boy's a typical Texas baby boy'." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says: Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So, how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers: - Seventeen pounds. The bartender is puzzled, and concerned: What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born. The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says: "Had him circumcised." enjoy....From: Aubrey
Subject: Send one to someone you know.
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003Say What?
Hallmark Cards You'll (Probably) Never See
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me, like the need for therapy..."
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age--almost lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket--I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday- -so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (Available only in Alabama.)
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From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: Not your services, Father!
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2003Which Service?
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names...small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, ....what is this?" "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service". Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service? The 9:45 or the 11:15?"From: Aubrey
Date: June 23(Note from Gok: I picked one, and boy, did they peg me wrong. How about you?)
(2nd Note: Aubrey said he was strawberry shortcake.)If you were buying a cake and you had your choice of the following Which would you choose?
Angel food
Brownies
Lemon Meringue
Vanilla with Chocolate Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate on Chocolate
Ice Cream
Carrot CakeOK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says About you!
NO.... you can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think carefully, what your choice will be!!!
No peeking until you choose!!!
Scroll down V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V VAngel food ... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
Brownies.. You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of Underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
Lemon Meringue... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you Are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try To walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
Vanilla with Chocolate Icing ... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life, very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being round you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad, however, you are a friend for life.
Strawberry Short Cake... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about Other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and annoying at times.
Chocolate on Chocolate ... Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You have a cold Exterior but really warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not Settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
Ice Cream... You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
Carrot Cake... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warmhearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
******************DON'T FORGET ******************* PUT YOUR CHOICE OF CAKE IN SUBJECT BOX ABOVE BEFORE YOU FORWARD!!
(Comment from Gok, again: "Are any of those cakes Gluten-free?") ;)
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