Sent: November 22
Subject: cheese slogans
... For those who have followed the occasional posting of The Adventures of the Three-Cheese Blend ...
Happiness is Cheese-Shaped. Get The Cheese Out. Just Do Cheese. Do You Eat The Cheese Last? Probably The Best Cheese In The World. Welcome To Cheese Country. That'll be the Cheese. Run For The Cheese. Whenever There's a Snack Gap, Cheese Fits. Cheese Makes Everything Better. Little. Yellow. Different. Cheese. If You've Got the Time, We've Got the Cheese. Nobody Better Lay a Finger on my Cheese. Don't Leave Home Without Cheese. I Saw Cheese and I Thought of You. Kids Will Do Anything For Cheese. Make Someone Happy with Cheese. There's Always Room For Cheese. Cheese, Take Me Away. Cheese Really Satisfies. Have You Forgotten How Good Cheese Tastes? Choosy Mothers Choose Cheese. I Liked The Cheese So Much, I Bought The Company! Because I'm Worth Cheese. A Different Kind Of Company. A Different Kind Of Cheese. Why Have Cotton When You Can Have Cheese? Mild Green Cheese Liquid. Pure Cheese. Be Like Dad, Keep Cheese. Things Go Better with Cheese. With A Name Like Cheese, It Has To Be Good. Which Twin has the Cheese? Cheese - The Freshmaker! It's Good To Talk Cheese. Cheese Is Good For You. Thank Cheese It's Friday. What Can Cheese Do For You? Nothing Comes Between Me And My Cheese. Does You Does, or Does You Don't Take Cheese? Cheese Wanted. I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Cheese. Cheese Just Feels Right. The Cheese Of Paradise. I'd Walk a Mile for a Cheese. Fill It To The Rim With Cheese. Come See the Softer Side of Cheese. I Can't Believe It's Not Cheese. Recommended By Dr. Cheese. Smart. Beautiful. Cheese. The Cheese With The Hole. Every Cheese Helps. It's the Bright One, it's the Right One, that's Cheese. Where's The Cheese? Get the Cheese Habit. Cheese. It's What's For Dinner. When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Cheese Overnight. It's Just For Me And My Cheese. But I'd Rather Have a Bowl of Cheese. Say It With Cheese. I Want My Cheese. Ho Ho Ho, Green Cheese. Hungry? Why Wait? Grab a Cheese. Make Cheese Yours. Maybe She's Born With It, Maybe It's Cheese. Your Cheese, Right Away. Cheese Prevents That Sinking Feeling. The Sweet You Can't Eat Without Cheese. The Cheese of your Life. Super Cheese is Almost Here. The Cheese of Confidence. Just for the Taste of Cheese. The Loudest Noise Comes From The Electric Cheese. I'm not Just the Cheese, I'm a Member. Did Somebody Say Cheese? Because Cheese Can't Drive. Cheese Stays Sharp 'til The Bottom of the Glass. It's That Cheese Feeling. Poppin' Fresh Cheese. Out Of The Strong Came Forth Cheese. Drinka Pinta Cheese A Day. Cheese Born and Bred. It's A Bit Of A Cheese. The Cheese Of A New Generation. Don't You Just Love Being In Cheese? You'll Wonder Where the Yellow Went, When You Brush Your Teeth with Cheese. Daddy or Cheese? The Ultimate Cheese Machine. Cuts Cheese Time in Half. If Only Everything in Life was as Reliable as a Cheese. Just One Cheese - Give It To Me! Promise Her Anything, But Give Her Cheese. Because So Much Is Riding On Your Cheese. Tense, Nervous, Cheese? Happiness is a Cigar Called Cheese. Nothing Acts Faster Than Cheese. A Day Without Cheese is Like a Day Without Sunshine. When You've Got Cheese, Flaunt It.
From: Aubrey
Sent: November 17, 2003
Subject: FW: Senior Moments
----- > > > > > >For those who are old enough to understand > > > > > >THOSE FLORIDA DRIVERS! > > > > > >An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that > > >her car > > has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her > > situation to the > > dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the > > brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. > > > > > >The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few > > minutes > > later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. > > > > > >"She got in the back-seat by mistake." > > > > > > > > >FAMILY > > > > > >Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One > > >night the > > 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells > > to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 > > year old yells > > back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs > > and > > pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at > > the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head > > and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for > > good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as > > soon as I see who's at the door." > > > > > > > > >"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" > > > > > >Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one > > >fine March > > day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," > > > > > >the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed > > >in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." > > > > > > > > >A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing > > >home. As > > she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say > > "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. > > Flipping her gown at him, > > she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." > > > > > > > > >ROMANCE > > > > > >An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was > > >falling asleep > > but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: > > "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." > > > > > >Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to > > >get back > > to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. > > "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek > > and settled down > > to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said "Then you used to bite my > > neck." > > Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. > > > > > >"To get my teeth!" > > > > > > > > >DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER > > > > > >80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. > > > > > >She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who > > >can guess > > what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly > > gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" > > > > > >Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." > > > > > > > > >OLD FRIENDS > > > > > >Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the > > >years, they > > had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. > > > > > >Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a > > week to > > play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the > > other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been > > friends for a long > > time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. > > > > > >Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. > > > > > >For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. > > > > > >Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" > > > > > > > > >SENIOR DRIVING > > > > > >As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone > > > rang. > > Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, > > I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on > > Interstate 77. > > Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's > > hundreds of them!" > > > > > > > > >DRIVING > > > > > >Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could > > >barely see > > over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an > > intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. > > The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing > > it. I could > > have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they > > came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. > > > > > >The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had > > been red > > but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting > > nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the > > next intersection. > > At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on > > through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know > > that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have > > killed us both!" > > > > > >Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" > > > > > >
From: Eldeen
Sent: November 23, 2003
Subject : Fwd: Fw: why we love children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT ?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
6. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
7. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
8. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
9. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
10. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
From: Aubrey
Sent: December 1, 2003
Subject : Say What?
Quote of the Week:
"It is odd how all men develop the notion, as they grow older, that their mothers were wonderful cooks. I have yet to meet a man who will admit that his mother was a kitchen assassin and nearly poisoned him."- Robertson Davies, Canadian author (1913-1995)
From: Aubrey
Sent : December 1, 2003
Subject : I do this how?
FOOD FUNNIES: Questions the Butterball Hotline Just Hates to Get
===================================================
9. "Dude. I can't figure out how to smoke this turkey ...."
8. "What are the microwave instructions for a frozen 12-pound bird? And can you hurry? The guests arrive in an hour!"
7. "Can you explain the infield fly rule?"
6. "I tried this popcorn stuffing recipe I found on the Internet, and my oven blew up. Who should I sue?"
5. "So I stuffed the candy in there and glued the opening shut, and the kids have been whacking at it for like an hour now. When should it break open? The birthday guests have to go home now and they want their candy."
4. "Do you have a recipe for turkey sushi?"
3. "It says, 'Bake at 325 for 15 minutes a pound.' I weigh 143. How much time does that come to?"
2. "As I pulled the turkey out of the oven, my dog jumped me and ran off with it. My question is, what is the recommended cooking time for stuffed terrier?"
... and the #1 Question the Butterball Hotline Just Hates to Get ...
1. "Yes Mr. Perdue, our refrigerators *are* running, thank you."
From: Rosalie
Sent: December 1, 2003
Subject: Fw: This is so funny - Read to the bottom
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of .
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?
Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
From: Aubrey
Sent: December 10, 2003
Subject: FW: [Fwd: dddd]
Another math joke.
Aubrey
So Noah and the pairs of animals on the ark finally come to ground. As each pair of animals leaves, Noah blesses them and says, "Be fruitful and multiply".
This pair of snakes comes up and says, "We can't multiply: we're adders!"
So Noah gets off the ark, finds a log and cuts it up and builds a table out of it.
"There," he says, "I've built you a log table. Now you can multiply by adding."
From: Aubrey
Sent: December 12, 2003
Subject: Food for thought
If one deplanes when he gets off of an airplane then it naturally follows:
Decar - get out of a car
Devan - get out of a van
Debus - get out of a bus
Detruck - get out of a truck
Detrain - get out/off a train
Did I miss any?
Aubrey - who began a 23 day vacation today.
From: Aubrey
Sent: January 5, 2004
Subject : FW: Onestone
Subject: FW: The story of Onestone the Indian Brave.
This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away.
Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
(You'll love this!!!!)
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You can't kill two birds with one stone.
From: Aubrey
Sent: January 5, 2004
Subject: FW: Cop and Santa
A bit rough but FUNNY!
Subject: Fw: Howard the Cop and Santa
There was Howard a city Cop sitting on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his shiny, new bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy said. "He sure did!"
Howard the Cop looked the bike over, and handed the little boy a $20 ticket for
a safety violation.
Howard the Cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it."
The young boy looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled Howard the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
From: Aubrey
Sent: January 23, 2004
Subject : QUALITY ASSURANCE of pipe
Just something I found in a directory.
Aubrey
QUALITY ASSURANCE
SPECIFICATION WAP-007
PAGE 1 OF 1
REVISION 0
All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal centered around the hole.
All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.
All pipe is to be of the very best quality, preferably tubular or pipular.
All acid-proof pipe is to be made of acid proof metal.
Outer-diameter of all pipes must exceed the inner-diameter. Otherwise, the hole will be on the outside of the pipe.
All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily put on at the jobsites.
All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any form of manure before putting up, otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.
All pipe over 500 feet in length must have the words "Long Pipe" clearly painted on each end so that the fitter will know that it is a long pipe.
All pipe over two miles in length must also have these words painted on the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is long pipe or not.
All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words "Large Pipe" painted on it, so that the fitter will not use it for small pipe.
All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
All pipe closers are to be open on one end.
No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipes become crooked pipes.
From: Aubrey
Sent: January 30, 2004
Subject: Not food for thought
Yeas?
Aubrey
FOOD FUNNIES: The Top Uses for a Monkey in the Kitchen
==============================================
8. It keeps the giraffe from adding too much brandy and the penguin from getting underfoot.
7. It's surprisingly helpful as a sous chef. Until you decide to make Bananas Foster, that is.
6. For all those chores ferrets just won't do.
5. A monkey can handle the cooking tasks too complex for your spouse.
4. If the chef and sous-chef start flinging curses and accusations, the monkey can settle the issue through superior fire power.
3. Raises the average IQ of the prep crew.
2. Once rigor sets in, the fur is excellent for scrubbing away baked-on cat grease.
... and the #1 Use for a Monkey in the Kitchen ...
1. It's always handy to have a monkey around when a weasel needs popping.
=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=
From: Aubrey
Sent: February 4, 2004
Subject : FW: Dear Abby Ltrs
ACTUAL LETTERS THAT DEAR ABBY ADMITTED THAT SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor! Now what do I do?
Dear Abby,
Lee and I have been married a long time, why?
From: Aubrey
Sent: February 4, 2004
Subject : FW: Investment plan
YEAH!
Investment plan
''''''''''
If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000 worth of Coors (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 5 cent Deposit, you would have $107.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and Recycle.
This is my new retirement program; I call it my 401Keg
From: Aubrey
Sent: February 5, 2004
Subject : FW: Rambo Granny
We need more women like this one! - Gok
The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia
> >Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped >her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons >down - - and shot off their testicles. > >The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, >she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police >investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, >laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: > >'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted >rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles >when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he >and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. > >The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but >doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, >Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be >using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are >still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after >what they've been through. > >The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie >was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a >section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's >face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get >those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," >recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- >because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't >dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one." > >So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description >of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the >wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the >ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. > >I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway >and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the >oldster recalled. > >So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door >and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square >between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. >Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to >spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in. > >Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the >vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is >difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, >especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for >sainthood and a medal.
I vote for the medal! - Gok
From: Aubrey
Sent: February 6, 2004
Subject : FW: Happy Valentine's Day Poems
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: Friendship prayer
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the
crotch of the person who screws up your day
and may their arms be too short to scratch...
AMEN
